I am at my most content and peaceful as M's sub, slave, pet. I breathe there as I never have. I feel cushioned, cherished, protected, nurtured, loved. With Him the dominant Warrior inside me, who takes charge when I walk out the door and who has long held guard at my internal gate, lays down her weapons and sheds her armor to finally rest her weary soul. The softer sides of me emerge for M. They play and whimper and bask in His light and darkness.
Yet I disappointed and frustrated M today. He made a simple request. My emotional response to carrying that out was violent and sheer hostility. No, not at all toward him. There wasn't even really a target for my aggression. It was toward the act. It was what the act FELT like in MY head. It FELT like I was submitting, however mildly, to another woman. The sleepy Warrior inside me had instinctively grabbed a knife and wanted to spill pools of blood in warning, defense, agression. Every PART of me screamed HELL FUCK NO.
I am an alpha sub. Outside of M's arms, I am strong and fearless and even a bitch when necessary. I am a lioness. Not a simpering, trusting lil lamb who lays in wait to be slaughtered by any fool who happens to walk by me, I bow to VERY few people in this world, and when I do, it is out of love and respect and trust. Anyone else can kick fucking rocks.
I'm heteroflexible, but one of my hard limits is submission to another woman. It is not in my make up to submit to another woman nor allow her to top me. I can play with other women neutrally or her as my sub, but bowing to another female is not something I am capable of giving. To me it as offensive as asking a Dom to submit to another Dom. Just not happening, and most Doms would look at you as if you've lost your mind.
However, in a personal setting (iow...not sexual or professional) if I even internally feel (it may not quite be reality) as if my interaction with another woman is in any way is being pushed to toward submissive or that she is trying to top me, my internal Alpha Bitch/Warrior jerks awake and goes instantly into red alert mode and gets agressive. This rarely happens as I'm very easy going, but when it does it is vicious.
Don't get me wrong. I can respect other women, learn from other women, and be friends with other alpha females. However I will not lick a bitch's shoes nor play silly games. If I even feel like I am following in another woman's footsteps, my internal response screams "GO THE OTHER WAY!!!" The ONLY exceptions to this natural order for me are cherished mothers.
Have I swallowed my pride before? Yes, I have. Even recently. But it was CRITICAL that I kept myself docile in order to achieve long term gains. Not for myself, but for a friend I loved. At the time in my head my submission - dropping my weapons - was to honor my friend, not her. Mission accomplished.
However, last year I pushed my instincts away to my extreme detriment. For an asshole I was involved with at the time, I tried to walk a path I suspected I shared with another woman . I ignored my gut. I sacrificed my pride. What resulted was ugly and costly. When I expressed my concerns and feelings, I was told repetitively I was essentially crazy. I was told I was imagining things. For months and months this went on. I had no clear proof. Simply an unrelenting feeling of being pushed to submit to another woman's wants and needs. His denials in the face of my logic tore at me and shredded my sanity. When finally she was blatant in her silly effort to top me and in her disrespect of my place and my relationship, I let go of the reins on my Warrior and initiated a tempered (somehow I restrained myself) retaliatory strike that left little question as to who I would NOT be submitting to. No one.
I know that my past and old demons contributed heavily today in turning my genetic resistance into near violent agression. I've rarely come first in a man's life. Why? I never understood, except that I was stronger and could handle it. I've rarely met a man that didn't WANT and SEEK another woman. I've rarely met a woman that didn't want who I was involved with. I've lost friendships because they were oh-so-willing and eager in their quest to spread their thighs with him behind my back. ~sigh~ And looking like a fucking fool is NEVER something I tolerate. The fool from last year can attest to the wounds I inflict when that game is played.
But...what does all THAT hot mess have to do with today's small request really?
Intellectually, I could see how M viewed the requested act. He wanted me to be a part of a little something he inspired. From afar I could both appreciate and respect it, but when he asked me to join...the closer I got the more tension and sheer agression that coiled inside me ready to hiss and bite. Needless to say, He wasn't at all pleased with my failure to embrace His request. We'd brushed up against this issue once before, and it wasn't pretty then either. However, I don't think I've ever completely NOT met His expectations. Today I did.
I'm not proud. But I was honest. I was straightforward. I didn't transfer any of my internal hostility to the one I love. I simply tried to communicate. In return I accepted M's disappointment, frustration, and annoyance. There was no justification for my actions, and He had every right to feel the way He did/does. There's nothing He can do here to temper my aggressive reactions. These are my issues. "You've never said something made you violent before. What the fuck?" He was right. He's never seen my Warrior really.
I do my absolute best to avoid ANY potential for drama. My initial response is to keep my distance from anything I think could spark a serious negative reaction in me. Today, I think what I felt was a preemptive response to the concept of bowing to another woman or even her possible indirectly topping M's sub. It's not personal. It may not even necessarily be logical. ~sigh~ But with everything I am, I do not want to go back to that cold place that exists in me when I find myself under attack and that preemptive agression I think is meant to keep me off roads that have the potential to lead there.
~sigh~ Usually when I write I can find answers. Not tonight. I haven't at all found any solution in resolving my reflexes as they relate to my submission to M when another woman is somehow involved. But at least I put a few pieces together and I understand what and why it's happening. Maybe with that knowledge I can fix it or at the very least begin to tone it down. I don't know. The one thing I keep asking myself is...do you learn lessons only to have to unlearn them? ~sigh~ And doesn't that simply leave me defenseless and naive? Again...I just don't know. :-(