Evolution

Sleep is still far away.  Evolution after all can be a bit rough.

Six and a half months ago, I was a blank canvas.  I'd never had a D/s relationship.  While I'd had brief moments where I'd let a guy be the physical aggressor and dominate sexual play, I'd never had a Dom.  I'd never been a submissive.

I've come a long way in my journey with M.  It's been an incredibly beautiful journey filled with awe and peace and some minor stumbles.  I've learned more than I imagined about submission and myself.  I thought I was doing well.  I know I was trying.  But tonight I faced a choice that I had avoided addressing for a while.

It's NOT that I thought I couldn't be better at my submission to M.  No...I know and accept that I still have a long way to go in that realm.  I've made up a lot of ground the last few months given the complete blank canvas that I was.  I knew going in that I would never be the same, but I didn't understand my transformation would be so dramatic.  M knew though.  He always knows.  lol

Throughout my evolution, I've felt different pieces of me rise to the front and fall to the back as my submission has grown, as my love for M has grown.  My Warrior has laid down her sword and shed her armor having finally found peace and a quiet spot to rest.  The soft woman and the little girl have found a safe, beautiful place to exist.  Those changes have all spilled into the rest of my life.  I'm calmer, more at peace and at ease.  Even Maximus has commented about how much better I am.  lol  M steadies me, centers me.  I no longer feel adrift.  Together, M and I have found joy and passion and hope.

Rearranging my pieces is sometimes painful though.  Tonight, I was hurt that a part of me I took pride in and felt was valuable held little appeal to M.  He told me  in no uncertain terms to leash that side of me when it came to us.  It wasn't a request.  It was a decision he wanted me to accept, so I could better follow his lead.  It stung deeply.

While we both briefly went to our separate corners, so to speak, I tried to find words that would changes his mind.  I wanted him to SEE.  I wanted him to KNOW.  I was so frustrated.  I can't say that there wasn't any other way, but I quickly realized taking a different way in handling this issue would be painful and costly.  As I fought my internal need to push back, I turned to my voice of reason, my best friend.  I was honest.  I gave both my good realizations and my messy emotions.  He calmly listened and broke it down in the most basic way possible.  "He's a good man,"  With that and a deep breath, I let go of all my tension and frustration.  I can't even remember the rest of what he said, with those four words I knew what I had to do.

With the haze of my emotions and initial rebellion cleared away.  My most basic truth blazed bright and hot in front of me.  My love and submission is about putting M first, giving him what he wants and needs.  It's not about forcing what I believe he needs down his throat.  (Even if I do think he needs more fruits and vegetables.)

I can't make him see the value others have always seen in me.  Just as I can't force others to see the value and beauty in the pieces they always ignored but that M holds so dear.  Within my commitment to M, I have lowered my guard, so he could nurture forgotten and buried pieces of my soul.  They've flourish under his watchful eye, deliberate touch, and fierce protection.  In turn, I also have to also trust him and myself to let some parts of me rest quietly in the background.

And the fact is...he's right.  This piece holds me back from my submission and at times undermines the dynamic of our relationship.  I wasn't intentionally trying to do either.  It was simply the results of my wasted efforts.

Submission isn't about my pride.  It's in my willingness to give to M and do everything I can to support our dynamic.  So for him...because I love him...I will do everything I can to leash that side of me between us.  Because that's what he wants.  Because he doesn't feel it has a place.  Because other pieces of me are more important in my submission.  Because He is absolutely worth the discomfort of rearranging the pieces of me.

I have evolved over the last six months.  Tonight, I am evolving more, painfully growing and learning even as my vision sharpens.  I will continue to evolve with every step in this journey and follow M's lead.

My hand is in His.
~DominaKat