2014, M, Dreams & NYC

2014 has taken off with such clear focus and immense momentum that at times I'm left dizzy.  M and I have our direction and are working extremely hard to accomplish our goals: to see him published and for me to relocate to NYC.  We have found an amazing and powerful team in each other, and together we have more momentum and reach then we do individually or even dreamed possible.

Today is an anniversary of sorts. January 30, 2012, two years ago, I reached out to the Man behind a short paragraph of insightful warm words.  Instantly, I was drawn to Him, but never expected all that has come from that moment.  So many of the pieces of us lined up perfectly. Within a handful of months and countless hours of shared words, laughter, tears, dreams, debates, and memories, we were in love and involved in a deep, stunning, beautiful D/s relationship.  Both that love and our dynamic have continued to evolve, grow, and deepen with every passing day.

I often marvel (lol) at the shift my life has taken in the last two years.  I've never been happier or more at peace.  Through the best of times and the worst, we have leaned on each other and grown more and more as a couple.  We've brought out the very best in each other in so many ways and tempered the worst as well learning to work through our struggles.  Our lives have entwined tightly in ways neither of us two years ago would have imagined as we've found in each other what we had always been searching for in a partner and love.

As my Owner's pet at His feet, I have found where I belong.

As my Daddy's babygirl in His arms, I have found were I belong

As my Man's woman by His side, I have found where I belong.

In every way imaginable I am His.

I love and am in love with that Man more than I can ever possibly explain.  I can no longer imagine my life without Him.  He told me it would happen, but I didn't understand at the time.  I have transformed.  He's claimed and leashed this lioness as His own, and I have worked hard to evolve into a better me for us.  I've stepped outside of every one of my comfort zones.  I've shed or am shredding all the defenses I've ever held up to the world and let Him in where no one has ever been allowed so see or touch, let alone take up residence.  I no longer have shoeboxes.  The last of them fell away with the New Year, and now I've held Him up to every man, woman, and child in my life as my priority and my heart.  I have given Him everything I have, and yet each day I wake up to begin again with M as my Alpha and Omega and pour myself into our today and our tomorrow. I'm still learning.  I'm still growing.  Under His guidance and nurturing, I'm still transforming.

But the best part is is that I am not alone in my efforts.  Time and time again M has given me incredible gifts of Himself to His pet.  I've never been so well respected or cherished or nurtured or protected.  Just as I have, He's given me pieces no one else has access to or ever earned the privilege to see.

Even after two years, He still renders me speechless.  "I am never letting you go." "There is nothing else more important than what we are doing together right here and now." "You've won it all. Nothing and no one holds a candle to you." "No...I very much have a plan when it comes to you." ~whimper~ He is my everything.

This year will change our lives and bring us even closer together.  I've never held this kind of hope and enthusiasm for tomorrow, but as His I've learned that the wonder and magic of life is very possible.

Since M has entered my life, I look forward to every day and our future together, but in 2014 I look forward so much more - to making our dreams a reality and creating a home in NYC where we can thrive. :-)

Happy Anniversary, Daddy. I love you, M. My heart is yours. My leash is forever in your hand. I am simply Yours.
~DominaKat

The Importance of Our Interracial Love

I am in love with a Black Man.

At restaurants, there is no doubt we are a couple.  In the homes of our families and friends we are respected and embraced partners.  We hold hands.  We touch.  Our love is apparent.  Arm and arm we walk blatantly down the broad streets of NYC and the tiny streets that criss-cross Ohio, kissing, laughing, smiling.

I am not naive.  There are some that do not approve of our choice in each other, but we do not hide our relationship or temper our affection to make others more comfortable.  Nor do we have anything to prove.

He is not a trendy fad for me.  He is not a rebellion.  He is not a conquest.  He is my choice.  He is my Man.

I am not a trophy.  I am not a step up.  I am not a denial of His heritage.  I am simply His choice. His soft spot.  His woman.

Are there looks from strangers as we openly demonstrate our love?  Sometimes.  Sure.  Of course.  From white men, white women, black men and black women, old crusty jewish women, and young matching silent couples that don't touch or smile.  However, no stereotypical haters have ever made an issue of us.  No bitter Black Woman has accosted us to rant.  No hostile white man has ever condemned us.  No offended Black Man has railed our choice in each other.  No snotty white woman has spit out vitriol.  No one has ever said a damn thing.  Except once...

Last summer on a very crowded train, humming through the underground tunnels of busy Manhattan, M and I sat side by side.  No one speaks on the subway.  Every New Yorker's eyes automatically glaze over once they find their spot, conserving strength for the next part of their day's journey and simply falling into a dull lull.  That is except for me.  When I'm alone I people watch.  When I'm with M I am focused on Him.  That ride, He was in pain, and my hands were slowly working the knots in His shoulder, bicep, neck, and back.  I soothed.  I rubbed.  I loved on my Man in patient silence, determine to ease Him in any way I could.

After a number of stops the crowd finally shifted, and a good portion of of the riders readied themselves to exit.  The train slowed, and the middle aged white woman standing above me, whose hip would have been directly in my line of sight had I been facing forward, spoke to us.  "Thank you.  That was beautiful.  To watch you love on him this whole time...it made my day."  And with swish of the doors, she was gone.  Her words almost surreal amid the hustle, bustle, and typical remote detachment of NYC's masses.

Maybe I should have been embarrassed, but I wasn't.  I love my Man well, always doing what I can.  M was a bit surprised as nothing like that had ever happened to him before.  But looking back, I'm beginning to understand the importance of that moment and of what we do for each other and the world when M and I hold hands or kiss or laugh a quiet laugh between lovers.

There is no shame in love.  No matter who you love.  Claim your love with pride and respect and all the honor it deserves.  Love is a beacon of light that most wish they could find and hold on to.  Love is a strong, fragile, flame you should nurture and hold high to the world, so that you warm the hearts, minds, and souls of others as well.

Anyone that finds fault with love is a fool.  And I pity them.

I am a white woman, and I proudly love a strong, intelligent, beautiful Black Man.
~DominaKat

To Hold Sacred

I've always been passionate and held some deep convictions.  However, I've never held much, if anything, sacred.  I'm too practical, too realistic, and well...a bit cynical.  I never felt connected enough to anyone or anything to inspire that kind of devotion, belief, and faith.  That emotional and mental concept was simply lost on me.

But in February 2012, I met M.  Two months and hours of texts, emails, and conversations later, I was in His arms and His.  What followed has been the most enlightening, heart-stopping, and challenging relationship of my life.  He has truly transformed me so fundamentally that anyone who sees or speaks to me can instantly sense the change.  From the beginning, I knew He and our relationship would transform me.  What I didn't understand was that my transformation would ever be ongoing.

I'm no saint. In fact, I fuck up often.  I have had challenges and struggles and doubts and fears and hard difficult lessons to learn through trial and error just like every other sub, woman, or human being on this planet.  My intelligence and drive to understand at times makes me a challenge most can not even dare to attempt.  I've made my mistakes.  I've hurt myself.  I've even to my greatest sadness hurt M.  I've had moments of brattiness, topping from below, and complete ignorance.  However my two sole focuses - to give/please/serve Him and to build us - have never wavered nor has my intention.  Those have always been and will be pure.  I love that Man.

I've had to face some tough reality the last month and make choices that I never expected to make less than two years ago.  But when I looked closely at my options, I found that without question, my relationship with M was sacred.  I would do whatever it took to protect and nurture what we share.  I would find the strength and courage to be the best me I could be for Him.

I saw truths I didn't want to see and have begun to make my way beyond their crippling traps.

I bravely faced a past that haunted me deeply and the fears associated with those events head on.  I found the courage to seek understanding.  I found the strength to forgive and let go.

I accepted that life's journey is not easy or fair or mapped out clearly but what will lead me to the greatest rewards is what I hold sacred. If I embrace my love, devotion, and faith in M, in His love for me, and in our belief in us, then I will find my way.  If we both embrace those rare  treasures between us, WE will find our way.  I never want to look back again and say if only I had....  I don't want someday to face my mortality and realize all I ever did was play it safe and gained nothing.

I wish it was fucking easy every minute of the day.  But it's not.  Life, relationships, growth...they are at times the most difficult, demanding, and earth-shatteringly rewarding things we can aspire to undertake.  For M, I will fight any battle life throws at us, I will get up off the mat again and again and again for us, and I will swallow every bit of pride necessary to grow.  Because in the end, Him and what we could be is what I - Ms. Ever-Practical-Cynical-Realist - hold truly, deeply, purely sacred.
~DominaKat

Slutty Symptoms

Do the rest of you sluts ever have moments where you realize, "Wow...I really just can't help it.  I am naturally just a slut." even in the most subtle ways?  Yes, yes..we all love to choke on our Men's beautiful dicks.  Yes, yes...we'll pull up our skirts where ever and when ever He desires.  Nope...we never get enough of Him.  Nope...panties are not required.  lol  Those hallmarks of our sluttiness  - while they are some of the pride and joy we take in our endeavors - are not what I'm referring to in in this post.  I'm talking about things you may not realize you do but are truly tied to that slut always seeking satisfaction.  For example...

I realized yesterday that I can't keep my legs closed without serious conscious thought and effort.  I had no flippin' idea it was that hard!!!  While at work, I went through my standard protocol for permission from M.  He told me "No" this time and that I had to "wait" which of course being a little tug on my leash rendered me a a bit needy (AKA damp) as usual, so I asked permission to spread my legs wide and push my aching cunt onto my office chair.  Again, he told me no and then proceeded to order me to keep them tightly closed. 

Holy crap that was difficult if not damn near impossible!  The weird feeling I had when I did it initially didn't quite register.  I simply obeyed.  Then I proceeded to get back to work, but every time I would relax, my legs would naturally spread.  I'd close and tighten up again.  Over and over and over this happened.  The outside of my thighs literally began to ache from the position!  

Now I could excuse this phenomena by saying that my long ass legs don't fit well under most desks and tables.  I could blame that I'm lucky enough to be able to wear jeans at work.  I could point out that I have a private office which allows me a bit more latitude.  However none of those reasons would explain away that as I would relax I would also arch my back and shift my posture so that my pussy would be in direct contact with the friction of the chair.  The same damn thing happened today even without any M-related encouragement/mindfuck.  Even unexcited with my mind focused on the daily grind of work, I would naturally always shift into a position of direct cunt contact.  It seems those fat lips and tight little clit are always looking for pleasure...oh I meant...pressure!  Ummm...yeah....so...

My slutty symptoms would definitely fail me in a Ms. Proper Manners class.  Emily Post would likely take a ruler to me!  And not the good kind.  Hehehe

Now let me at least say that I can keep my legs close if I can cross my legs.  But again, with my long limbs that's nearly impossible under a desk or chair.  ~sigh~  What's a slut to do?

So I'm going to try to pay attention to any other slutty symptoms I may unconsciously do.  

My slutty friends, anything I should watch out for?  

Dom/Master/Owners, any other behaviors you pick up on that may indicate a natural slut?

M's Slut,

~DominaKat

My Celebration of My Curves

Ya know what...I am o-fuckin'-k with my woman-ness.  When I have the opportunity...

Yes, I accentuate my assets.

My heavy DD tits. 

My curved waist. 

My fat plump ass.

My long thick legs.

Mine. Mine. Mine.
My pieces and parts.
That allow me to mark.
That F box.

I am a woman.

I am the shape, size, texture that I am.
Lush, sensual, sexual.
A ripe juicy peach to devour.
My nectar quenches His thirst.

I am a woman a Man can feast from.

I celebrate my curves.
Without fucking shame.
With no embarrassment.
I am proud of my dips and hills.

A v-neck.
Those tight hugging jeans.
A top that clings.
That dress that teases.

I am a woman.
His woman.

A mother.
An insatiable sexual vixen.
Her daughter.
His soft spot to land.

I am a goddess who serves her Man.

I will not hide my tits, my ass or my fullness.
To make anyone comfortable.
I will not conceal my PG exhibitionism.
And make myself less so others can swallow.

Fuck that.

My bursting breasts.
The shake of my ass.
A curve that begs to be gripped.
Flesh and bone feminity.

I am a WOMAN.

Others may catch a glimpse of my soul.
I don't fucking care.
My shape hints at truths untold.

That they will never experience.

I do woman things.
Suck and swallow His hard cock.
Spread my thick thighs for His sadistic entertainment.
Get on all fours to offer Him my holes.

I drool and pant and squirt.
Submit and surrender.
Cry out in passion and pain.
I want Him to ravish my quivering body.

Yes!
I am THAT woman.

And I fucking love her.
~DominaKat

Clean Up

Cleaning up my friends list on fet over the next few days.  My feed has become irrelevant and uninspiring.  In fact, a lot more than that has become irrelevant and uninspiring.  It's time I get back to the basics before I walk away completely.  But as I go through this...cleansing, a few thoughts.

I'm not impressed with...

• Dick pics.  ~yawn~  So fucking what.  I can find something bigger to try to shove up in me if size was the key.  What can you do with my mind?  Do you have an imagination?  Do you even have a clue that this is about more than sex?  
• 300+ friends.  Really?  Is that all you do is friend everyone?  So quantity is more important than quality.  Hmmmm...I'm pretty much a substance kinda girl.  Looking for it in anyone who I include in my circle.
• Porn-addicts.  Dude...if the only thing you do is search for more pictures of tits and ass to love and beat off to every night, you really need a life and a swift kick in the ass.  Good god, you must be a total bore to converse with.  No one ever been my friend let alone allowed to touch me without having something to talk about.
• Manwhores.  Yeah...A.D.D. when it comes to relationships is a waste of time.  I'm not into being on any one's long list of friends, text buddies, IM buddies, or lovers.  I'm worth way more than that time of carelessness.
• Domwannabes.  Rough sex does not make you a dom nor does it really even make you kinky.  It puts you on the extreme side of vanilla.  Don't pretend and try to convince us your anything more than what you are.  If you want to be respected as a Dom/Master...learn, grow, evolve.  Sitting there doing nothing while pounding on your chest saying you're to be respected?  lol  Very uninspiring.
• Liars & Cheaters.  Seriously...if you can't be honest, there's no point.  I have zero tolerance for games, drama, lies, and bullshit.
• Dramawhores.  Ummmm...you create your own energy.  Go watch a soap opera and stay as far away from me as possible.  I tend to get vicious and violent when drama gets blown my way.
• Capt. Save-A-Hoe Types.  I'm not a ho' that needs saving.  I"m a woman that wants a partner in life.  I've had my fill of men whining about how woman treat them when half the problem is they either stay or keep picking the same type.  If history keeps repeating itself, maybe you should try something different.
• Silent Lurkers.  Nothing to say?  Nothing to contribute?  No questions?  Comments?  Curiosities?  You want to be a Dom/Master/Owner but you can't even speak on the lifestyle, the concepts, the framework?  Huh...I suppose a sub is just suppose to immediately respond to your self appointed title?  lol  A little advice...respect is earned.
• Stalkers.  Ummmm...so is it jealousy?  Is it a game?  Or are you just so easily entertained?  Does your stomach ever heave when you pry and snoop?  Do you enjoy your anonymity and being lost in the shadows?  Come on...stop playing hide and seek.  Either run along or stand up and be about something.
• I Want What's Yours.  ~sigh~  Really?  So being respectful is essentially a lost art these days.  Yes, I know you're there.  lol  I'm not a fool.  I understand you can't find your own.  Try to take the shortcut.  Such a messy, ugly place to begin, but hey that says what about you?  And if I lose... well, honestly it's best if we all find that out now, don't ya think? 
• Fuck & Pass.  Hmmmmm...So tell me.  Does that make you feel better about yourself?  Huh.  Interesting.  And not the good kind of interesting either.  Maybe you should talk to someone.  The professional kind.
• Smoke & Mirrors.  Multiple profiles.  Multiple sites.  Multiple personalities, games, and bullshit.  Wtf?!?  Are you still 12 and hiding from your mom?  Really?  If you can't man up and be you, then why would you deserve even a minute of my time?  Grow up.  Man up.  Own it.  Or embrace forever being a little coward sneaking off from one place to another for attention.  Trust me...you'll never find you self worth with the smoke and mirrors strategy.  

Yes...His soft, sweet lil pet has her claws out tonight.  Oh look...they are still as sharp as they've always been.  ;-P  My kindness, patience, and tolerance only go so far.

~DominaKat

Undomesticated

In a conversation recently with a friend, I was reminded of my undomesticated tendencies.  A lover once described me as this...

"You're not domesticated.  If I opened the door, let you out, and drove away, you wouldn't be there waiting on the steps when I got back."

My response..."Nope.  I wouldn't."  That fool learned just how right he was.  lol

I am not a silly domestic house cat.  I don't need pampered.  I'm not helpless to the world and desperate for someone to take care of me.  I won't die on my own.  And I damn sure will not hang around and pine away endlessly when I'm no longer sheltered in safety or when I'm ignored or abandoned.  Fuck that.

I'm a lioness.

I am strong.  I am intelligent.  I am fierce.  I have a will to fight and survive through whatever life tosses at me.  My untamed soul has never and will never give up and die on some fool's porch as he carelessly leaves me to starve and brave the elements.  Some women will wait for scraps.  I've never been one of them.

I am not leashed easily.  In fact only one Man has ever dared claim me as His pet and trained me to His hand.  No one else ever had the strength, patience, or wisdom to ease my instinct to fight and to nurture my trust so deeply that I willingly stretch out in bliss and show Him my vulnerable belly.  I will purr at His touch.  I will submit to His desires.  However He never forgets that it is a lioness at the end of His leash.  His respect and honor for my strength, loyalty, and submission is what keeps our D/s dynamic in balance.

In turn...I sheath my claws and curl contently at His feet.
~DominaKat

Kat 201

I'm His insatiable Lover in His bed.
Because He piques my interests and challenges me.
I'm His Woman by His side.
Because my Man is patient and makes the effort to see who I really am.

I'm His dirty Slut in His arms.
Because He stokes my hedonistic twisted desires.
I'm His selfless Submissive on her knees.
Because my Dom freed me, tamed me and inspired that gift.

I'm His greedy Fucktoy bound and helpless on the floor.
Because He cherishes my heart and mind.
I'm His sweet, wicked Domina on His arm.
Because my Sir deserves and expects a classy lady.

I'm His vicious Warrior ever at His back.
Because He is worthy of my sincerest respect and fierce loyalty.
I'm His ever-hungry Masochist crumpled at His feet.
Because my Dark Beast deliciously plays with my pain and fucks my mind.

I'm His committed, monogamous Partner in life.
Because He is honest, careful, considerate, and loves true.
I'm His willing, devoted Slave humbly beneath Him.
Because my M is responsible and possesses the strength of character to claim me.

I'm His nasty, fucking Whore under Him.
Because He is a strong, beautiful Man.
I'm His soft, sweet Little Girl snuggled on his lap.
Because my Daddy built the wealth of trust I needed to be that vulnerable.

I'm His obedient Pet content at the end of His leash.
Because He had everything it took to own and nurture me.
I'm simply His always.
Because my Owner won my heart.
~DominaKat

Final Goodbye

Nope...this post isn't kinky or perverted or even really much fun actually.  In fact maybe it's downright morose I suppose.  And while it is a complete deviation from the narrow, nasty delicious focus this blog of mine has, it still feels right for me to nudge a place for these thoughts here.  The subject lives in the space between the dark side of my soul and the light, and this is my journey through the dark.  Contemplating the end of that journey seems fitting.

What would it be like?  That final goodbye.  When my soul no longer fills this body and moves on to the unescapable next phase.  When my unendingly curious mind finally asks no more questions and instead rests in absolute silence.  When the emotions that fill me to bursting breathe one last breath to the ones I love beyond measure.  What would I want it to be like?

It all started with a vanilla-esque Fet thread in the Music group.  "Ever thought about your own funeral and what it would be like? I did and immediately prepared a tape with three songs, which should be played..."  The OP went on to list their songs and asked what others would choose.  I answered, but the thought persisted.  This post is me unable to resist tugging on the threads that began to unravel once my mind got to going...

The funeral is not meant for me but for those left behind, so I'd want that last bit of form to honor them and what they have meant to me.  Just as in real life, I have no desire for a fan club or hangers on.  I'd want it to be an extremely intimate affair with only those closest to me.  Private and a tad selfish to the last, really.  In truth, if I were to die tomorrow there are only a very special few who I would want invited.  The last Man I gave my heart, M, who taught me how to love again and let me give everyone closest to me more than I had before.  My very, very Best Friend who has been my Hero since the day we met and whose faith and belief in me has never failed.  My absolutely amazing mother and the Man who has loved Her so very well.  My beautiful children who my heart has filled and broken for again and again over the course of their lives.  Chica, whose friendship has given me so much.  My sister (leave your husband and kids at home lol No really...leave them there.) who can't make sense of my life or choices.  My cousin who is like a sister to me.

Yes, I know there are others who would mourn my passing.  For the distant family and friendly acquaintances that care but don't really know me...stay home and take an extra moment to be with those that mean the most to you now because time is fucking precious.  For the many, many others who are no longer in my life for a reason but would want to pay their final respects and honor the memories they once shared with me...honestly, a final "fuck you" to you and hat tip.  lol  You presence isn't necessary at all.  My final goodbye will not be for you.  Our goodbyes are what they were since you had nothing else to say.  How things were left are how they were left.  Live with it.  I did.  Neither I nor those who truly loved me need your careless sorrow or fake condolences.

You see...I live my life every day being honest and straight forward with those around me.  I give my all in those moments.  I give my heart.  I give my soul.  I give everything I had to give.  If that isn't/wasn't enough - if you couldn't appreciate it in the moment - so be it.  You don't deserve a last chance to make things right for your own conscious, especially not in front of those who did love and cherish me without regret.

I'd want a short ceremony.  In the woods on a beautiful sunny day with the hawks flying above.  I'd want a hot, big fire in my honor.  Play Sting's Little Wing as everyone helps to light it like they did my life.  Feed it.  Keep it bright, not to be banked until dawn, so my spirit could dance and laugh one last time with the flames in abandon under the stars and between the trees.  I'd want the words spoken by whoever seems appropriate to be comforting to those I love so much with less emphasis on religion and more on the beauty and energy of life.  Let go of the tears as Brian Culbertson's "Our Love" weaves it's way through air and towards the end when the music really picks up and the string come in...hear my laughter and joy at every wonderful thing we've ever shared.

Unless someone felt they wanted some of my ashes...pour a lil bit in a locket or something...Plant one of those gorgeous shady trees in the woods that bloom a vibrant vivid purple every spring and bury part of my ashes with the roots.  Listen to Phil Collins' "Find a Way to My Heart" and know I truly gave you the best and a part of me has and always will be with you.

Tells stories about me...the good ones please.  :-)  Remember my strengths and my weakness.  Don't forget the little things I may have taught you.  And know without any doubt that I loved all of you hard and well as best I could and that I'll be at your shoulder and probably asking more questions.  lol

The rest of my ashes?  They go to Batman.  He's got to take me on one last ride.  He'll know where and he'll know what to play.  However, ya have to play Macy Gray's Beauty in the World and hear my laugh and giddy thrill as you send me into the wind baby. ~kiss~
~DominaKat

My Relationship with The Fet Community

Since I jumped into the lifestyle a few years ago, I've engaged with the Fet community at various levels from the passive observer to an active voice.  While I have (of course) learned the most about myself from my D/s journey with M and the few misadventures prior to M, I've learned many things about myself as well as the community in the course of all things Fet.

Fet has a variety of subsets just like the vanilla world,  and just like in the vanilla world, I am very much more in tune with Black Doms and the white women that prefer them.  I don't connect well with the medieval or goth white guys and their female counter parts.  ~shrug~  I can only relate to what I identify with.  Unfortunately, my preferred subset seems more virtual-based rather than real time event-oriented, and as a whole the members are significantly less experienced and less interested in BDSM than other groups.  These limitations are definitely a disappointment and at times a frustration from a social standpoint.

The drama factor has also impacted my Fet involvement.  I've struggled to stay engaged or invest myself wholeheartedly because just as I am in real life...cliques, teams, and popularity contests hold no appeal for me whatsoever.  Augh.  In fact all are a HUGE turn off, but I've sadly found the online groups to be rife with those silly politics.  I left high school twenty-some years ago, thank you very much.  Yet, people have proven over and over to me how prevalent this mentality runs through the community, especially among the female members.  In fact, I've even seen female teams turn essentially into virtual gangs that will as one shun or attack others not in line with their group M.O. or dutifully paying homage to the queens that rule the roost.  Whatthefuckever.  That's not how I roll as a strong woman or an intelligent confident adult.  I can stand very firmly and easily on my own two feet without the need to surround myself with bullies or wannabes.

Luckily there are a few - and of course M lol - who are also interested in serious BDSM dynamics rather than high school political games, surface play, massive quantities of the rougher vanilla sex or limited fetish play like the whole strange foot-fetish thing.  I gravitate toward those folks and discussions focused on serious BDSM or general intelligent discussion.  It's not that I can't have fun.  My version of fun just tends to involve my mind and emotions instead of inane chatter.  I also have little interest in soliciting gratuitous attention by shouting out in every comment, thread, and pic my whorish techniques or abilities.  I may vaguely reference my tactics, but the experience of me is reserved solely for M.  Yes...I know.  I write erotica, but those personal writings have nothing to do with attention and everything to do with self-expression.  After all...how many people actually take the time to read?  Few.  The overwhelming majority are looking for the easy little thrills - pussy and tit pics or visuals of sex acts to jerk off to.  ~yawn~  In contrast, I yearn for a positive environment of education and learning.  I don't mind healthy debate on any subject, but I am sick of dumbing down for the masses and tired of witnessing the stark useless apathy that prevails throughout the stagnant and unmotivated majority.  I want to grow myself not shrink.

So for those reasons as well as a couple other drama factors, I've pulled back and focused inward to determine how my next phase of Fet engagement should be.  I'm still stewing... lol

However a funny thing has happened over the last month.  A number of unsolicited comments and conversations have shown me that both M and I very much have without any intention established our voices within the groups we participate in.  I was surprised at the support and the respect others have offered me as well as the admiration they have of our relationship.  I'm not at all surprised at the support and respect others have shown M.  lol  After all, it's very obvious to me that He is a Dom and Man of intelligence, passion, and character.  I'm so very proud of Him and honored to be His.  I've know for a long time now that His voice could easily be a leader and advocate of Black Men in the world of BDSM if He chose.

But their feedback gave me a new perspective.  What I never even considered was how I would be seen or want to be seen by the community.  Just as M has been himself.  I was just me.  I participated in the conversations that intrigued me.  I was honest, straightforward, and respectful unless given reason to be agressive.  I was an advocate for M and sought a higher/deeper level of conversation related to the two subjects most meaningful to me: BDSM and a supportive interracial relationship with a strong Black Man.  I didn't cater to the masses or seek key relationships to further myself or my image.  I simply asked questions that came to mind.  I can't act differently because at my core this is who I am without apology or regret.  So in essence I can't change a damn thing for the sake of my image to the community.  The result of my actions is simply unexpected.

As I have turned this new concept over in my head, I couldn't help but recognize another extremely vital truth within me.  As far as my involvement in the community, I do not see myself as an individual entity.  I am M's.  His pet.  His sub.  His whore.  I can not separate mentally, emotionally, or physically my engagement in BDSM - my beautiful sweet dark journey - from Him because the path I am on is nothing without Him.  He leads me.  My role, my service, my pleasure, and my pain are His.  Yes...M very much allows me to be me, to spread my wings and use my voice as I am inspired.  Yet as His sub, my reference point is always Him.  He is my beginning and my end.  My Alpha and Omega.  How others in the community see or interpret me while greatly appreciated is completely irrelevant in my eyes.  As long as M is pleased and proud of me and how represent Him, I am very, very content.  His view of me is truly the only one that matters.  ~blissful sigh~  :-)

~DominaKat

Undone

I am undone.
For Him.

He has irrevocably...
Shredded.
Torn.
Destroyed.

Every layer.
Every stich.
Every seam.
That held me so neatly together.

For Him my love tumbles deeper and deeper.
With Him my passion is uninhibited.
In His arms my tears find a never ending sanctuary.
Below Him my peace is infinite.

He has shattered the emotional chains that bound me.
And crumpled the box where I'd hidden.

He cut through the pain that blinded me.
And nurtured me to fly unhindered once more.

At His command my wits scatter.
Through His words my strength is endless.
By His acceptance I know no fear.
Amid His praise my inspiration soars.

I am politely contained no more.
Unrestrained.
Fearless.
Free.

What I used to be.
All I could be.
Everything I am.
Spills helplessly at His feet.

For Him
I am simply undone.
~DominaKat

The Promises of My Submission

My submission is not given lightly.  It is hard won with strength of character, intelligence, patience, and focus.  Only one Man has ever held my leash and claimed me as His own.  While I may not be the most experienced sub/pet in the broad landscape of BDSM, I am always on a quest to better understand me and build a clearer vision of my submission.  These are my promises...

I promise loyalty.
I promise straightforward honesty.

I promise to be as courageous and strong as I can be.
I promise to be as helpless and as vulnerable as I am able.

I promise to be the best I have in me.

I promise to take care of myself so that I may serve.
I promise to take care of You so that I may please.

I promise to use my mind and heart for our benefit.
I promise you access to my body in any way You desire.

I promise to open myself mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I promise to give all that I can.
I promise to take all that is offered and demanded.

I promise not to run when I hurt or am afraid.
I promise to fight for You in all things.

I promise to obey.

I promise to learn from my mistakes.
I promise to forgive Yours.

I promise to help build our potential.
I promise to contribute to our dreams.

I promise to believe in You, myself, and in us.
I promise to follow Your lead.

I promise my love.
~DominaKat

Reality vs. Make Believe

It's been a very rough week.  Rough to where I couldn't even write.  I could barely sort through all of the emotions and thoughts flooding through me.  And I can't at all claim that I handled the mess that was put in front of me to the best of my ability.  No, I didn't set fire to everything while I stood in the middle of the chaos, which last time around I began to use as my MO, but I did contribute to the difficulties that followed.

Today, after slipping in the mess once again, I said fuck this and quit hoping for any answers that would completely wash away what happened.  The strong warrior in me has lost patience and had enough of babygirl's pain and confusion.  She ordered the hurt child to take her ass to bed for a while.  The answers I was given by the only ones offering their input would have to do.  I know what I know, and that's that.  For better or worse, my warrior (who has kept to the shadows for quite a while now) is in charge and telling the rest of me to,,,shut the fuck and get it the fuck together.  (lol Two Steps from Hell playing here...)

It's time to seriously regroup myself as well as look harshly at the multiple truths that should be guiding my way.  Because of multiple factors and influences, the line between what is real and what is make believe bullshit has gotten murky the last month, and I HAVE to clear the haze clouding my path.  Outlining my Truths is the first firm step in that direction.

Truth #1:  M is my Owner/Dom as well as my Man.

Until He walks the fuck away and lets me go, I am in a D/s relationship with M.  I am His pet.  His submissive.  He is my Owner and Dom.  No...He is not my mirage in the Dom desert.  He isn't an online fantasy to me contained in email threads and comments to my photos.  I've held His hand, kissed His lips, and held His dick firmly in my body for both of our pleasure.  In His arms, I've been His victim, His whore, and His babygirl.  I've curled at His feet.  I've knelt in front of Him as He's stained me in ways no Man has ever dared.  He's growled in my ear as He plunged relentlessly into my willing body.  He's held me - His pet - fiercely through the night.  I've taken His pain and flown as He whipped me, beat me, and punished me.  He's isn't just some guy filling my head with dreams from behind His computer screen or getting me off with His words and calls.  He is REAL.  He is tangible. 

Over the course of the last year and numerous visits, we have invested in each other mentally, emotionally, physically, and even practically.  We've debated politics until we were both heated and frustrated.  I've watched His face light up like a 12 year old boy and sing His ass off in public to one of His favorite songs without shame.  He's watched as I laughed and smiled while playing in the fountain in the middle of NYC like a child.  I've taken care of Him when He's sick.  He's scolded me for decisions He didn't like.  We've laughed together, plotted, brainstormed, argued, cried, told secrets, confessed sins...  Our lives have intertwined in more than just hot, sweaty bodies and wicked memories. I know Him.  He knows me. Both of us are deep down, past surface bullshit and pretend.  With every mask we've shed for one another, we've held on to us.  Reality - in all its unpretty, unflattering light - has not chased either of us away - though shallow cowards would and have cut bait and run when faced with the challenges we both bring to the mix.  No one in my life has ever said, "I'm not going anywhere." more times than Him.  In real time He's been my strong loving Daddy wiping away my tears, and I've been His soft spot - the one He turned to when He needed a safe place to land.  I've felt His pain.  And I made it my own.  Because I love Him.  Because I'm immeasurably strong.  Because I'm fiercely loyal.  Because I am fucking His.

I may not know every small bit of His life, but I know who He is and who He isn't.  I know His strengths and His weaknesses, and through it ALL I still very much love Him.  Not just a piece.  All of Him.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  That's how a Woman is with Her Man.  

Truth #2:  I Can ONLY Control Me

That's it.  Just me.  I can't control M.  I can't control His choices, His words, His actions, His intentions.  While He values my opinion and has allowed me in close enough to influence at times, when it comes down to it He owns every bit of Him.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

I also can't control the chaotic idiots on Fet.  I can't control trifflin' women hoping to steal their own slice of M.  I can't control foolish guys who contact me hoping I'm a lying, cheating whore interested in any piece of dick thrown my way.  I can't control the people around me or M in day to day life.  All I can control is me - my choices, my actions, my reactions, my efforts, my words, my intentions.

The way I carry myself and the decisions I make are a mirror who I am at my core - how I am.  I own how I engage in any activity around me be it intellectual conversation, frank talk of kink and sex, relationship issues, life's challenges, other's drama, stupid lies, blatant disrespect, whatever...  My most basic convictions are honesty and loyalty.  While those are mine, I can't make anyone else follow those same guidelines.  I wish it were otherwise, but it's just not fucking possible.  I don't lie, act disrespectfully, or cheat emotionally, mentally, or physically.  While other's may chose to be a hot mess, I don't.  I'm not an attention whore or a drama queen.  I'm not a stupid, worthless piece of meat eager for any fool's touch.  I'm not a frantic sub tossing myself at any Dom's feet hoping for validation.  I'm not a careless bitch or a silly child prone to tantrums.  

Yes, M and I have a D/s and specifically an O/p relationship.  I can't lie.  Our dynamic absolutely does influence me significantly.  We consensually and willingly agreed long ago to a power exchange that allows Him control over my behavior and actions, which has grown deeper with time and trust.  Because of that, I am a reflection of Him.  If He is frayed around the edges, very likely I will be a bit as well.  That's how these things work.  However, there is a limit to His control.  ~gasp~  Yes, I said it... limit.  Feel free to call the D/s cops.  Maybe some subs blame the D-types around them for their chaos, but I'm not one of them.  His ownership does not give me permission to act recklessly or in detriment to myself or Him.  

Just because I am His property, does NOT forgo my responsibility to behave as a strong, intelligent, rational, self-respecting grown-ass woman.  I haven't had a tight grip on this one recently.  No, I didn't make a public ass of myself, but I did struggle to find my strength.  While I am much better beginning this afternoon, there is progress left to be made.   I'm still relatively new at the lifestyle, and today I faced the truth that I've gotten too unsteady in my submission.  Part of that is due to circumstances that I have no control over.  But again, I can only control me.  With M's help and guidance, we need to fine tune my submission, so that I am the best I can be for Him and myself.  Until then, my more dominant/warrior side is front and center taking an assessment of everything in and around me.  And no...that doesn't in anyway mean I am not His sub/pet.  It means He has a lioness on His leash, not a worthless house cat.

Truth #3:  Fet is Not REAL

First I want to preface this with there is a handful of Fet friends I TRULY enjoy and value.  Their comments, emails, thoughts, and insights have made me laugh, think, and even grow a little.  And yes...there is somewhat of an entertainment value at times.  Once in a great while, I even learn something significant.  However too damn often, Fet is nothing but a HOT FUCKING MESS of lies, deceit, games, and drama played out by selfish, spineless children and wannabes.  At times being a part of Fet has become toxic both emotionally and mentally.  The bullshit that goes on in the background especially.  REALLY PEOPLE?!?  Fuck...do you have any sense of maturity or basic decency?  Augh...  Whatever...all I can say is karma is a bitch.  You'll reap what you sow.

But Fet isn't fucking REAL.  Only a handful of people know me as more than my handle, have my number, or met me.  99.9% of the profiles and portrayals are make believe crap.  Most never meet a single person in real life, instead cowardly choosing to engage in emotional and mental cheating on their significant real life other.  Their real lives are in shambles and chaos because they are cheaters, users, and crisis junkies all seeking attention to validate their miserable existence.  Only a fraction of the members have a clue as to what BDSM is, and most have no experience in anything but vanilla sex, simply hoping to engage in  the ultimate fuck fest.  ~eye roll~  On top of that the ones that do engage in the lifestyle tend to have so many hidden issues they are essentially broken and need to either grab their nuts or seek true mental health guidance.  Blah...

I'm pretty much disgusted and tired of hopefully stopping by to engage in fun or meaningful banter only to see the sea of lies, misery, and stark desperation flooding my feed.  I'm stepping back.  WAY back.  While I will engage with those I value, I am distancing myself from the ugly make believe nonsense to focus on me and what will take me further not only in kink and my submission but also my life.  

Truth #4:  Paranoia Will Only Make Me Crazy

I've experienced my share of relationship bullshit.  I've seen the insane and crazy shit some people intentionally choose to do to one another.  But I can NOT live in paranoia-ville.  I won't.  The last man that I was involved with played games and lied to the point of twisting me up in knots and pushing me to be a cold bitch.  I left that mess behind and will NEVER fucking return to that kind of existence.  I'd rather be a nun.  Yep...given that we live 400 miles away, M could very well be fucking every sub in NYC, and I wouldn't have a damn clue.  He could have online and real time relationship with dozens of women.  I can NOT focus on what could be's and maybe's.  All that does is eat a person alive from the inside out.  And the sad fact is, plenty of men and women engage in multiple relationships while living with their significant other.

If M, for whatever reason, got His dick wet, then together we'd deal with it.  I've dealt with cheating and gotten through it.  I've been in open relationships.  I've been in poly situations.  That's not to say there aren't consequences tied to each of these situations.  We're human.  There is cause and effect.  You can't get away from that.  But since I was 19, I treated sex differently than others and not viewed sex as criminal.  Lies and games...that's a different story.  But again...I can't live constantly afraid of what I may not know.  The one thing I've learned in life is that at some point if there's shit in the background, I eventually know.  I'll handle it then leaning heavily on Truth #2.  I can ONLY control me.  

Truth #5:  Balance - I Need It

I need to be balanced physically, emotionally, and mentally.  When any of these are off kilter, the others also follow.  Another one I need to work on.  I'm off balance and not at my best.  It's time I changed that.

Just getting through all those first handful of truths...I'm better than I have been.  There's others I need to remind myself of, but for now it's a start.  I'm getting it together.  For me.  For M.  Where I have been is not where I want to stay, so I've cleaning the muck off and moving on.  Where this path leads I'll find out soon enough.

~DominaKat

He Opened My Eyes to Me

At 40 you would think I'd know myself pretty well, but being M's through almost all of last year has taken me down roads I never expected and not just the kinkalicious kind.  (Though those have been absolutely fucking amazing!!!!  But I don't want to get sidetracked...)  I remember early on in our conversations he said I would be transformed.

You could say I didn't necessarily respond with zeal.  Transform?!?  I mean I know I'm not perfect, but I thought I was a pretty decent catch as is.  I'd done a lot of soul searching over the last ten years to find me.  I was pretty confident of who I was.  What more could there be?  Well...it turns out that M was right.  (Yeah...yeah...He usually is.)  Looking back now,  I realize just how much he showed me there was left in me to discover.

From the first moment we met...touched...kissed, M's affection stood out like a shining beacon on a cold empty night.  He held my hand every moment he could.  For miles as we wandered NYC and shared pieces of ourselves, his long fingers were entwined securely with mine.  At the movies, at dinner, wandering a store, riding the subway...He would reach for me.  A simple touch, a caress, a hand on my thigh, I experienced affection like I never had.  When we were tucked away, he'd wrap me up in His embrace so tight, so warm, so strong.  He melted the last of my walls not by force but through His consistent, warm touch.  I felt openly wanted and cherished.  I felt truly claimed for the first time as a woman.  I'd grown use to keeping my distance.  I either didn't feel any need to connect like that with a guy or it was an intentional effort to protect myself - to steel myself from being lulled into false security.  With His persistence M showed me my long abandoned affectionate side and how very much I needed to give and receive that precious and meaningful intimacy.  With every moment we've shared, affection has been center stage.  It's a natural extension of our emotional tie.  It's a demonstration to each other whether in private or in public that we are proud of each other and that we care deeply for one another.

After spending my 20's in a train wreck of a marriage, I essentially wrote off that I could ever take care of a man in any traditional way.  I'm not Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart.  ~shrug~  Given the emotional abuse by my ex, I had convinced myself that traditional female roles just weren't in any way my forte.  Until M, the very thought of a man wanting me to cook for him filled me with dread and anxiety.  Yet, somewhere along my journey with M I found myself wanting to open my life to Him in a practical way.  I've mentioned before that He was the first guy in about six years that I let into my home.  But it wasn't just His presence that was a huge step for me.  From the moment he stepped in my door, I let myself try again to be a woman to a man.  So vanilla, but it was scarier than anything He could have expected of me kink-wise.  He didn't have to demand.  He didn't have to instruct me.  The desire to take care of Him in little practical ways came naturally.  He inspired me, and I trusted that He would accept my efforts with love.  No...I haven't become Betty or Martha.  That isn't me.  But I love to cook for Him, feed Him, stock my home and fridge with the things that make Him comfortable.  I smile and melt a little when I come across bits of Him in my home.  I smile to myself at the memories of us making breakfast or dinner, of me bringing Him a drink as we we curled up on the couch to watch a movie, of me undressing Him after a night out so that we can crawl in the nest.  Are all of those little things?  Not for me.  Those are some of the biggest things of all.  They say more than anything that we are more than fun, laughs, and thrills in a hotel room...we're real. 

There are so many other transformations I've gone through.  He showed me how to love again.  He helped me find the sweetness and purity of tears.  He let out the playful little girl that smiles and laughs and teases without hesitation.  He...  ~sigh~  I could go on and on.  The simple fact is...He has irreparably changed me.  When I put my hand in His, I really had no idea how many different ways he would open my eyes to me.  It makes me wonder...what else is there in me left to find as we continue on our journey together?  Hmmmmm...
~DominaKat

Nope.  This post wasn't kinky or sinful or decadent, but my submission to M was never just been "in the bedroom."  I put my hand in His to lead me and us. I knelt at His feet in complete surrender.  Those acts weren't about sex.  In my submission to M,  I dropped every one of my guards - emotional, mental and physical - to give Him all of me.  He wanted ALL of me.  Not just the whore and slut who would give Him pleasure, but also the woman who could be a partner and mate.  I haven't regretted a moment of my journey with M or the growth that has come with each of our steps.

Quotes to Start the Year

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
E. M. Forster

How do you drive 3,000 miles to Graceland and never see Elvis.  ~Maximus

2013 already has many possibilities, which ones will come to fruition remains to be seen.  I will approach the year as I do everything else - with honor, integrity, honesty, and loyalty - and hope that I have the courage to embrace what is waiting for me and the strength to follow through on what I attempt.
~DominaKat

Lessons of Being A Great Fuck

Octobers are usually a bit insane for me.  The number of life changing moments attributed to this month is beyond coincidence.  February is the other one.  ~sigh~  Yes...I am nervous, but there really isn't much to do except wait for it.  Because of that and a number of other reasons, I'm reflecting this evening.

I look back just a year ago...harsh, harsh lessons.  I remember the pain.  I remember the reality.  I was forced to realized that my partner at the time would never choose to nurture or cherish me.  I was too far away, too smart, too aggressive, too dominant, too whatever for tenderness.  Consideration and kindness weren't on His agenda.  I was simply a great fuck.  "I want to fuck you for the rest of my life.  I never want to stop."  Those were his words as I watched him from the bed, knowing in my heart and mind that those were the last days I'd ever see him.  He'd stated what he wanted, demonstrated his self-interest, and I was unwilling to tolerate either.

While I no longer hate him for his games, those lessons can never be unlearned.  It wasn't until the fiasco of our tumultuous relationship that I truly understood how many guys in my life had just enjoyed how I fucked them and never inconvenienced themselves out of any genuine love for me.  Few have loved me.  Most...just loved to fuck me.

I am and have always been a very sexual creature.  Sexuality is a fundamental aspect of my core.  Because of that, there is a part of me that does seek to be the best fuck a man has ever experienced.  I absolutely want to be craved by my partner.  Yet...only being valued for how I spread my legs tends to leave me hallow and cold.  In the kinky land of BDSM, that inner conflict has been and sometimes still is extremely difficult for me to reconcile at times.

I am an insatiable whore, yet I want to be valued and appreciated for all of me.  I can soak a bed with cum for an apt lover.  I can suck a dick very well for hours.  I can take pain and love it rough.  I like things freaky and crave an outstanding mindfuck.  lol  However, there is much, much more to me.  I am smart.  I am occasionally silly.  I am fiercely loyal.  I can be soft and tender.  I can be incredibly strong.  I may want to fuck dirty and nasty to exhaustion, yet deep in my soul I want to grow old with someone I love true and who loves me true...someone who will still hold my hand when we're 65 and whose eyes will still light up in that special way only for me.

A year ago, I paused in my journey, finally understanding what I didn't want.  I knew that with the right Man, BDSM and kink were where I would finally discover contentment and quench the hunger I have always kept chained and buried inside me.  However, just a kinky dick was never going to do it.  While I could flirt and banter with most, I would never find what I searched for handing playtime out like candy.  Regardless of my sex drive, I would never find peace as a surface player.  Only cold, hollow emptiness.  I needed and deserved more.  I craved depth and intimacy and a strong connection that would bind us together not simply physically but mentally and emotionally.

So I changed the direction of my journey and have been rewarded a thousand times over.  I waited to find a Man who would see all of Me AND have the strength, knowledge, and experience to tame me. Comments, flirting, compliments, and requests to crawl between my legs could evaporate immediately and it would not phase me.  It is only within the comfort, security, trust, and respect of my relationship with M that I'm truly learning just how great a fuck I can be and I how great ALL of me truly is.
~DominaKat

I Am NOT Cool. I am monogamous. ~GASP~

A bit of a rant, but I'm about tired of the righteous poly parade. ~eye roll~ Please note that for the purpose of this post I am defining poly as multiple relationships rather and not including swinging.  

Nope.  I'm not cool.  Not at all.  I'm NOT poly.  Not in any way, shape, or form.  That's not how I work emotionally, mentally, or physically.  I am monogamous.  ~GASP~  There I've said it.

I've seen the forum posts.  I've seen the lovely sets of poly rules everyone is listing out and loving all over Fet.  What the fuck ever. Know yourself, be honest, communicate...blah, blah, blah.  Ummmm...hello...That's the SAME for ANY relationship.  Why the fanatic poly-practicers get to jump up and down waving their honesty flag doesn't make a damn bit of sense to me.  That shit is common sense you should have learned in elementary school, so news flash to the poly parade...you aren't the ONLY people in the world to be honest and open.  ~sigh~

Don't get me wrong.  I get why poly and open relationships happen/evolve.  I can see how - if you can get everyone to play by the rules - it can be an amazing dynamic.  I know some amazing people who are genuinely polyamorous.  My hat's off to them and their challenges.  However, I also know some that are just liars and selfish children going I want, I want, I want.  Those types give poly a bad name and everyone around them a headache.  I don't enjoy headaches.

But back to me being not cool...

Before I start getting hate mail, let me just say I have been in both a poly and open situations.  Yet even then the poly and open tended to be emphasized or limited to my partner's side.  And yes, I managed actually pretty well when things followed the basic rules of open and honesty.  I'm a strong woman.  However, sharing my body, mind, and soul with multiple partners is not where or how I thrive.  Personally, even as a single woman I don't even enjoy several simultaneous relationships because to me it's just too much damn upkeep.  How can this be?!?  Well, I don't have the need to fracture myself into multiple pieces in order to have a complicated laundry list of personal needs met.  I'm also not an attention whore, nor do I need relationships with multiple people in order to know my place in the world and feel validated.  I'm simple.  There.  I said THAT too.

I need one Man.  That's it.  I don't need two.  I don't need two guys and a girl.  One is quite enough for me, but ONLY if he's the right Man.  Of course, I do mean the right Man for me.  I don't need three broken dudes and two needy girls in order to satisfy me completely and find peace and love in the world.

I need one Man to nurture me, cherish me, hold me, fuck me, love me.

I need one Man to build together an emotional, mental, and physical relationship.

I need one Man to care for, stand by, be His soft spot, be His whore, be His love.

Do I realize this is RARE?  FUCK YES!  I am rare.  lol  That isn't a problem for me.  Few men or women can be monogamous.  But love is rare as well.  The social norm isn't love but like, which can only bring satisfaction with a lot of other like with others.  I'd rather be alone than settle for just like because I am okay with being alone.  ~another gasp~  What a concept, huh?

I'll say it again.  I only want and need ONE man.  I am NATURALLY at my best when I have a narrow focus as His slave, pet, babygirl.  And yes...M is the right man for me.  I didn't have a indoctrinated religious background.  I'm not  a brain washed, moral conservative.  And trust me...I've never been swayed by social norms.  lol

I am simply at my best when I can give the man I love my undivided loyalty, emotions, service, trust, body, etc, etc, etc.  It does not make sense to ME to split my attention between multiple partners and somehow be able to give them my best.  How does that make sense if I LOVE them to give them less than all of me?  How is that even possible?  Yes...I know there are a shit ton of you out there waving your flags...it is!  It is possible!  But to ME...It would be like having 3 jobs.  Do people pursue multiple careers in different fields and succeed?  Not often and not with much success.  So to me it doesn't make sense why pursuing multiple relationships and scattering my valuable efforts has any chance of satisfaction or success.   At any given point one takes on the most urgency and the others suffer.  It seems like never ending pointless cycle of constant failure or disappointment.

Not only do my partners suffer, but I simply don't enjoy multiple simultaneous partners.  My own enjoyment is dampened in the chaos of this for him and that for her.  By giving my all to One, I am at peace and centered.  Well, let's be practical...most of the time anyway.  lol  When there is trust, I can open myself completely.  There's a beautiful simple freedom in that act like I've never known.  And THAT satisfies me more than any pieced together group of lots of liking.  ~shrug~

So in closing...Your kink is NOT my kink, and you're no better than me or anyone else.  So why don't you just do you and gracefully enjoy your own dynamic without calling for a parade or tossing judgement at us unnatural, must-be-brainwashed, monogamous throw backs.  I really don't care what you do.  I'm just tired of your kink being stuffed down my throat every time I'm in kinkland.  Let the bashing begin!  lol
~DominaKat

A Lioness' Lair

Standing.  Sitting.  Kneeling.  At His feet.  Standing again.  Swaying.  At His Feet.  I've been all over the place the last couple of weeks.  My need for Him.  My responsibilities.  My strength rising to fight and protect.  ~sigh~  My submission has nonetheless been a struggle to maintain, to feel, and to embrace.

Each day brings M and I closer, which settles a HUGE piece of me.  My mind is clearer.  My heart is lighter.  My body no longer tense with anxiety.  Yet...I'm not where I'm used to being right before I see Him.  I sought why tonight, and quickly tossed out the little things.  No...it's not those.  It's this big step.

M - my Daddy - is coming here.

For me.

I will open my door to someone new for the first time in over six years.  During this period, I've culled my life of time wasters and weak acquaintances, choosing instead to hold my most tender pieces close and private away from prying eyes.  Here is what I nurture most and what I cherish.  Within my beautiful small sanctuary I've finally healed some of my deepest wounds.

This weekend I will have a Man I love and trust in my bed and my home for the first time in 20 years.  "Really?"  you ask?  For the first 10 years of my adult life, very little was mine.  There was simply the home I shared with the guy I was married to at the time.  My presence on my surroundings were negligent.  None of it was ever mine.  Nor did I ever truly love or even trust the person I slept beside at night.  After the divorce...I focused on my career and parenting.  There was no one in my life, and then...those six years of healing I mentioned.

lol  Yes.  I know.  I'm not your average person.  However,  this little corner of the world is me.   Most can't relate at all to the thick walls I built around me.  It seems completely foreign.  ~shrug~  Oh well...you live your life.  I live mine.

My inner most sanctuary is an honor few gain.  I am not careless with who I let in my home.  I've never played silly house fantasies with boys, "Oh let me cook for you!" bullshit.  I've never treated my home like a brothel for fucks, a bar for fools, or a casual hangout for random users.  No.  My home is just that.  My home.  For better or worse, it is the only place where I lower my guard completely.

Tonight I realized why my submission is quietly waiting in the wings right now.  I can't open the door to my life on my knees.  Not in this.  I have to own it.  All of me.  Kat.  This isn't his babygirl curling up on Daddy's lap or his pet begging at His feet or the whore surrendering to His will.  I will no doubt do all of those things in my home with Him.  However the first step has to be Kat - everything that I am - choosing to let in the Man who holds my heart.  When I welcome M to my home, I'll look him in the eye and know he truly sees me.

I must stand tall and proud of what I've held on to, of what I've been given, and of what I've built.   That will not be in defiance, but in honor all that He has done.  He's earned this privilege because of His character, His loyalty, and His strength.  He has taught me how to love again and how to hope.  I am not a helpless lamb seeking comfort and protection, but a strong lioness sharing her lair and her hunt.
~DominaKat

My BDSM Fairy Tale

Since I was a child, I've been extremely careful about who I let into my life and who I let truly see me.  When I made my first steps in my journey, I quickly realized how extremely intimate D/s is and how vulnerable I would be.  Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.  I'm not a surface player that simply rides the momentary high of physical sensation.  In order for me to satisfy the cravings and needs I have, I must go deep with someone.  Very deep.

The depth of my physical, mental, and emotional desires aren't for the casual or the frivolous.  They aren't for someone more interested in sprints and notches on bedposts.  They aren't for non-committal internet doms content to play on the other end of the phone line or a web cam.  They aren't for manwhores that spend more time and energy on endless chases than on one ultimate prize.  I'm very aware that my self-imposed...rules alienate me from a majority of the BDSM world.  Most don't understand me or why I take things so seriously, and their recklessness and carelessness often times mystifies me.  From the beginning my goal, which I pretty much believed was unattainable, was to find someone who shared a similar view on the intimacies of BDSM.  Because if he was careless in who he choose, how could I possibly be of any value?

For me...

I have to know that the Man who calls me a slut, a whore, or a fucktoy values all of me not just the tricks I can and will perform in the bedroom.

I have to know that the Man who rips orgasms from my body will touch more than my skin but my mind and heart as well.

I have to know that the Man who wraps His hand around my throat and lays his hands violently on me understands it takes more than physicality to tame me and that my safety is of the utmost importance to Him.

I have to trust that the Man who weilds that crop/flogger/paddle will see past the pretty red marks and be able to manipulate my passion with confidence, consideration, and hunger.

I have to trust that the Man who blesses me with sweet dark pain will treasure and honor my tears and pleas and not abandon me carelessly.

I have to trust that the Man who humiliates me and pushes me to madness will be my Anchor and guide me safely back to the warmth and comfort of His arms.

I have to believe with all that I am that the Man who demands my submission is One I can honor, respect, and count on to lead me on this journey. 

I have to believe with all that I am that the Man who commands me to lie helpless at His feet truly wants all of me and not simply a moment of me.

I have to believe with all that I am that the Man who claims my soul values that gift above all others and that I am the only one He craves to Own.

Maybe deep down inside I really am just a silly little girl looking for fairy tales and bedtime stories after all of these years.  ~shrug~  But for more than a decade now, I promised myself never again to settle for less than I deserve.  I'd rather go to bed alone at night waiting on a dream than die of thirst trying to drink from a mirage.

If you're shaking your head in confusion...trust me, save us both the annoyance.  Go back to your perving and masturbation session to skin pics, dirty IM's, and live web cams.  I will never make any sense to you, which is more than okay with me.
~DominaKat

The Challenge of Me

I am a....floater.  I don't bond with large groups for my identity and become assimilated into the collective.  Quite honestly I don't nor have I ever quite fit in.  This has never bothered me.  However what has always confused me is why this flexibility always seems to agitate the fuck out of others.  It's often their excuse to doubt my knowledge or interest, disregard my recommendations or comments, or even shun me entirely.

The city dwellers think I'm too country with my love of four-wheel drive, four wheelers, playing in the woods and love of Nascar, but country folks don't understand my love of fine wines, funky cheeses, high heels, or art and let's not even mention my eclectic musical taste.

The liberals don't like my stance on gun rights, yet the conservatives hate when I tell them they have no right to control my body and that I think their "boys" are greedy pigs.

The fashionistas despise my camo and work boots.  Though the tom boys don't understand my short skirts, how I walk in those heels or how much I prefer to spend on my hair.

The techie geeks don't respect that I can handle most power tools and understand how an engine works, but the typical grease monkey stares at me in wonder when I rapidly click-click-click and solve their software issue and shove me into the dork category.

Materialists and those with money don't understand how I'm more content with less.  Yet those with nothing don't understand my need to do something with myself.

White people can't comprehend my acceptance of other cultures.  Minorities see me as a white girl who can't possibly understand.

Those on the "right side of the tracks" can't fathom my serenity with simple and realistic.  When living in the hood/war zone, most looked at me with puzzlement and distrust because I'm not getting high, drinking 40s, or have a parade of bed filling my bed.

The vanilla are scared as hell of my sexuality..."I don't want to know."  But the kink world is practically intolerant and incredulous that I'm able to keep my legs closed physically and my emotions uncompromised to be monogamous.  ~gasp~ I'm not a silly, frivolous attention whore.  ~eye roll~

Women don't understand me because I don't need just any man and can simply be alone.  They put their noses in the air because I don't gossip, play dumb girl games or concern myself with the fine details of useless woman shit.

Men run from my intelligence and straight forward attitude.  They'd love to have me as a fuck every chance they get, yet I've rarely been someone they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with.  My strength has somehow always made me a better mistress than someone they bring home to family.

The sci-fi and fantasy dorks would admire my book collection but be wounded that I don't crave going back to mediaeval times.  Then the feminists are appalled at my raw submission to my Man.

The jocks and preps don't have any capacity to deal with me nor I with them as I have better things to do than drink and watch ESPN.  The artsy and music folks don't understand how I can admire their work and not jump at the chance to get high.

The soccer mom's are horrified at my real-world, parenting approach and my lack of catering to nonsense.  The trainwreck moms don't understand my integrity or love.

I am a misfit, and I don't care.  I long ago as a child accepted that I was not like the rest.  I can function well in a variety of situations, but I'm not much of a die hard anything.  Why?  Because one "thing" never satisfies ALL of me completely.  I've never felt the need to change who and what I am so that I could fit in and be accepted by the big groups of sheep.   That's not where or how I find peace.  I find my peace in being true to me, being authentic, being all that I can around those that do love all that I am.
~DominaKat