Saturday, August 4, 2012

Make What?

The last time I made love to a Man was the Fall of 1991.  Twenty-one years.  A long fucking time ago.  Then I was young with few scars and my heart so wide open I would have bled myself dry for him.  At times I did.  But that was then.  And I'm no longer that young woman who dreams silly dreams.

Of course pieces of me remain.  I've amputated other sections of me that needed to be shed.  However several new doors have also opened that I wholly embrace.  Maybe it's the alcohol flowing through my bloodstream or a few conversations I've had this week, but tonight I'm asking myself...wondering...if I'd even know how to make love.  If I could.  If I'd understand what to give...how to let go that much.  I'm truly not sure I would know what to do, how to be.

I've avoided anything approaching making love for more than two decades.  A quick side step here.  A wicked dirty phrase to change the tone.  Yes, it's vanilla.  But it scares the hell out of me more than any fucking fetish imaginable in the land of kink.  Making love is pure raw emotions...an overflow of them driving a fragile physical response.  Nothing left hidden or buried.  It can't be forced by either party.  It can't be pretend.  It's not a scene.  There's no props or costumes or cameras.  It's two souls giving from the heart because no words are enough to express the love each holds for the other.

God...I've experienced more earth shattering emotions with M in BDSM play than I ever have, yet...

If I'm honest with myself, the BDSM tools and tactics...the pain, the mindfuck, the torment, the submission, all of it...rip down every one of my mental and emotional defenses, so that I can give M those passionate raw emotions he so richly deserve.  Without the intensity and demand of that kind of play, my emotions end up trapped behind the scars of my past or lost because my emotional roadmap to making love was misplaced long, long ago.

I don't know what all this says about me.  I'm not even sure how I feel about it really except just flat fucking sad.  I don't even know where or how this would fit in the context of my life today.  Making love is never even mentioned on the dark side.  It's almost as if it has no place.  And maybe that mirrors me at 40...it doesn't have a place because it's unnecessary.  Or is it?  ~shrug~
~DominaKat

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