Monday, August 27, 2012

No Safety Nets

I've been intellectually perusing kink for decades, seriously and intently for the last two.  While my knowledge was helpful, it really didn't mean a damn thing when it came to the emotional side of my first D/s relationship...when I finally met and became involved with M.  We took things slow, but with every interaction it was blatantly apparent how compatible we were.  We continued to move forward in our journey together.  Yet, my "blank canvas" as well as my past has made my evolution less than graceful at times.  My God, the Man has been patient, understanding, and incredibly careful with me.  He's held my hand and lead me through it all - the easy stuff and the rough.

With M...FOR M...I've slowly left the security of my safety nets.  One by one they have been deliberately untied, cut, burned.  So many lessons I had to learn.  So many times I had to look inside myself and find the strength and courage to grow.  To be more than what I was.  My safety nets only held me back.  So instead...
I let myself see that I was valuable and important to Him, ignoring the cynicism and doubt my past had built around me.  In His eyes I am prized.  I am worthy of consideration and love.

I quit cushioning my primary role as a "submissive" and finally faced and embraced that I have always held the heart and soul of a slave.  As M's I've discovered the freedom, confort, and sheer bliss of being owned and cherished.

I stopped defensively holding myself back, leashing my emotions, my heart, my soul.  I gave up worrying about what he might think and trusted that even if he didn't agree or approve He would still love me and that we would find a way.

I no longer cling to fear though I am still scared to fucking death when I consider how easily and deeply I could hurt.  I choose to love Him bravely.  When fear threatens, I draw courage from His hand holding tightly onto mine.

I am considering tomorrows.  My past is no longer what defines me entirely.   Today is no longer my only reality.  I look ahead, and I let myself wonder...

I have stripped myself bare and exposed my weakness.  Both privately with M and in my writing, I spill my raw, uncensored, and yes even sappy love at His feet.  I refuse to be ashamed of my vulnerability.  In turn, my love has more room to expand.  It's simply grows more powerful.
In order to fully be here on this journey with M,  I had to trust Him.  I had to trust myself.  I had to believe in Us.  Those were and continue to be my choices.  Together we are bravely and confidently exploring all that is and all that could be without safety nets or back up plans.  The experience is exhilarating and breathtaking because of it.

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