A Warrior and A Little Girl

I found her in the drizzling rain.  Her head down, soaked to the skin.  Her little Mary Jane's muddy and scuffed.  Her pretty new dress now torn and tattered.  The soft, delicate skin of her knees and hands scrapped and bleeding.  On her pale cheek she still wore the taint mark of a firm, cruel slap.  My sweet, shy little girl.  Sitting so still on the park bench, so fragile.  Battered as she'd never been before.

My fault.  I'd told her it was safe to come out to play.  I took a chance, simply wanting to let her be free and give myself a moment to lay down my guards.  I was foolish and careless.  I knew better, but I let it happen anyway.  I hated that she hurt.  I hated myself more for trusting her safety with a selfish, greedy little boy that didn't understand how to take care of something so beautiful and value the rare gift he'd been given.  My boots quickly covered the last yards separating us. As my feet came to rest in front of her, I watched her take a shaky breath.

"You came back," she whispered.  "I was afraid you weren't going to.  It took so long."

"I'll always come back.  Even if I get lost.  I always find my way back."

She thought about that for a moment before replying.  With a sniffle, she looked up at me with her pale blue eyes shimmering with left over tears.  "Yes, you do.  You always come back to protect me, Domina."  A tear slipped down her cheek, which she hastily brushed away.  "Is he gone?  Did you chase him away."

I ignored the ache inside me.  "Yes.  He's gone, Kitten.  He won't bother you again.  I sent him to play in his best friend's backyard far, far away.  He likes to steal his toys.  It's his favorite little game, and it should keep him busy a long, long time."

She looked back down to the wet ground at our feet.  Her hands clenched in her dress tightly.  "He didn't want to be My Daddy.  He pretended for a little bit.  Got me to say things I'd never said before.  Got me to do things I'd never done before.  But..."  Her voice broke.  Her tears fell.  "He didn't mean it, Domina.  I tried...but he didn't mean it at all."

My heart broke for her.  My guilt sliced through me.  I'd let this happen.  I knelt down beside her and grasped her hands.  "No, Kitten.  He's wasn't and couldn't be your Daddy.  He's just a selfish, greedy, careless little boy that takes everything he can get. He can't be anyone's Daddy because he has no honor or loyalty.  He doesn't do what's right.  He simply does whatever he wants.  That's not a Daddy.  He's not good enough to be your Daddy.  You deserve the best Daddy in the world."

She sighed quietly.  "I know you're right, Domina.  But...but I didn't know how wonderful it might be to have a Daddy and to be free...to not hide away all the time."

I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead onto hers, wishing so much I could find what she so wanted and deserved.  "I know, baby.  I know.  I'll keep trying.  I'll keep looking for a Daddy that deserves you."

She reached up and put her cold, delicate hands around my cheeks.  As she looked at me with her runny nose and tear-stained cheeks, she firmly reminded me of the truth.  "No, Domina.  Someone that deserves us both.  Who deserves a warrior and a little girl."

I laughed just slightly to break the gut-wrenching realization that this sweet little girl loves me so, even though I've failed her so completely. "You are a demanding little thing," I teased, "but you're absolutely right."  I reached up and wiped away the last of her tears with my thumbs.  "It's time to go back inside now, where I can keep you safe."

"I know," she breathed softly.

I stood up and reached for her hand, which she placed trustingly into mine.  She paused looking around at what we had once hoped could have been a happy place for her.  When she stood, she again looked up at me and confessed, "I don't want anyone to see my tears, to know how hurt I am, to see me so messy."

Without hesitation, I squeezed her hand and gave her the truth.  "Your tears are nothing to be ashamed of, Kitten.  They are proof that you loved and loved true.  They are proof that you gave everything you had.  They are a testament to the soft, sweet purity that is you.  This is my failure, baby.  This is his.  Not yours."

She tucked herself against me, "Take me back in, Domina.  I don't want to play anymore.  I just want to rest and let you keep me safe."

"I will, sweet baby.  I promise.  I won't let you down, again."

Together we walked away.  From all that could have been.  From all that should never have been.
~Domina

As with most of what I write, it spins in my head refusing to go away until I let the words have their voice.  Part of me wanted to bury this deep, but I had to be true to my own belief that there is no shame in loving, even when it is foolish and undeserved.  As always, I find my strength and carve out a path to survive.  Maybe someday my little girl will have a safe place to exist in my life, but for now she is hidden away again behind my thick, towering walls - away from silly, cruel games where she can mend her wounds and sorrows in peace.