I Love to Suffer for Him

~sigh~ To suffer for Him fulfills my soul.  It gets me the fuck off.  No matter how slight or harsh I bask in His dark torment.  I can't help it...I crave to comply with His most twisted desires.

I'm suffering right this very fucking minute. That slight discomfort sucks at my clit and licks at my sloppy greedy hole.  I want so much to spread my legs and be His slutty fucking dog.  To pant and beg for Him to ruthlessly shove a treat in His cunt. His fucking beautiful hard cruel dick.  His tight vicious fist.  His merciless boot.  His sadistic crop.  His brutal bat.  I don't care what the fuck He gives me.  I'll take it.  Because I'm in heat for Him.  I'm a greedy, nasty whore, and the more I suffer and am pushed below Him the more I thrive under His Darkness.

The things I want right now...~sigh~  

Stripped naked.

Beaten and bruised.

Breasts heaving.

Covered in His hot rain.

His holes filled and gushing with His hot rain.

Barking as He rapes my tight ass.

Used and toyed with like a tormented pet.

Suffer.

Suffer.

Suffer for Him.

Yes...yes...yes...please.

~DominaKat

When Darkness Swallowed Me

The darkness in me that for many, many months I've buried under a sea of edits, mountains of work, and an endless amount of resume sending caught up with me today with a viciousness I never expected.  The most unlikely of sparks, lit the keg of dynamite I didn't know had been building.  In a heartbeat, M's cunt clenched and all the passion, need, and longing for M and our sweet darkness I've been ignoring exploded.  The strength of it left me shaken to my core and barely able to breathe.  The darkness in me that is utterly His swallowed be whole.

I tried to fight it off.  I tried to distract myself.  I tried...god I tried.  I didn't want to dump this on M out of nowhere.  I wanted so much to be strong and not needy.

I couldn't do it.  I was helpless with unrelenting need for Him.  For us.  For that dark, dark, wicked place that only He can every take me.

Panting, shaking, unable to even stand...I begged my Owner for any scrap of Dominance He would give His pet.  I would have done anything and everything He asked to bask in His Dominance and surrender to His Brutal Beast.  I did.

I begged.  I don't think I've ever EVER in my life been so desperate for anything.  Soul deep begging.  The kind that likely didn't make much sense.  The kind that sprang from my bones and blood.  I needed M more than I needed air.  I would have barked.  I swear, if he had asked, I would have stopped breathing for Him.

I can't deny it.  I need the weight of Him pushing me down.  The harder He pushes, the deeper I give to Him.  Our dark dance.  His Dominance.  My submission.  His Leash.  My compliance.  His Pain and Humiliation.  My surrender.

I begged like His good obedient dog as He used His cunt.  His hole wide open, blooming for Him. Greedy as only a nasty slut can be and I sobbed in relief and gratitude and surrender as wave after wave of hot orgasm sprayed between my legs for Him.

I remember once a long time ago in our very early days how I once begged.  Then I held back a piece of myself.  But today...today I gave Him everything including every scrap of my pride.

Every moment I spend in His darkness is a pure blessing for me.  I can never explain the joy and freedom I feel when he pushes me so far down.  My place...under Him.  Under His feet.  Under His whim.  That's all I want or need.  That's all I crave.

To be His pet curled humbly at His feet in submission and surrender.  My Owner is my everything.
And I can't thank him enough for the darkness He so graciously wrapped around me today.  For a few sweet moments I lost completely myself to Him. ~sigh~
~DominaKat

When Submission Hurts

There's no denying my submission to M. My obedience and surrender has encompassed the full range both pleasurable and painful.
From His physical control over my body's automatic response to Him to the sexual pleasure I derive from His Dominance, Control, Sadistic desires, and Humiliation. I am His.
From my overwhelming mental and emotional need to please Him to my willing ability to swallow painful truths I wish I didn't see or feel.

Good or bad.  Beautiful or ugly.  My bone deep submission courses through my every state of being, and sometimes...it is hurts.  I do it all because I am in love with M.  Not because I am a docile bitch, a hungry masochist, or a insatiable whore.  It's because of my love for Him.

I instinctively reach for Him when I wake up, when I finish a task, when I have good news, when I have bad...all the fucking damn time.

I.  Reach.  For Him.

It is fucking absolute. There isn't even a breath between waking and Him.

But when circumstances put me in a place where the act of reaching for Him may be painful or disobedient or whatever negative outcome...I am immediately awash in a conflict so deep that I can almost be physically and mentally paralyzed and I can easily find myself in an emotional spin of hurt, doubt, and insecurity.

Under His Dominance and within His presence, I've discovered a safety and security I never believed could be possible.  When ANY fucking THING threats that safety and security...I want to stamp it out.  I want it gone, gone, gone... I just so very desperately want it to stop.

When my submission hurts...I have still not figured out how best to handle it.  Instinct and training drives me to Him when I am in any kind of need, but there are times, days, circumstances when that impulse can only cause me to hurt more or be disappointed. It's a nasty vicious cycle that fucks me the fuck up.  It's like I have to purposefully defy my training and submission to Him.  Conflict. Conflict. Conflict.

I'm not proud of any of this.  It's an aspect of my submission I take no joy, strength, or solace in.  I simply suffer until we get to the other side of the situation when M leads me to be safely tucked under His feet again.

I have no answers...I don't know where I'm going...just writing to sort through and maybe find a fraction of peace when I'm struggling to breath easy.  Be strong.  Fight through.  Get to the other side.  Just somehow find the other side.
~DominaKat

Crush Me

Crush me.

Beneath your boot.

Your precious flower.

Broken by You.

Your mind.

Your hands.

Destroy my beauty.

Crush me.

Make me bleed.

Let bruises bloom.

i will beg.

To be at Your mercy.

Hurt me.

Let Your sweet pain.

Crush me.

So i surrender everything.

The dark fire of You

Will consume my soul.

Crush me.

Crush Your obedient pet.

Crush me.

Crush what You control.

Crush me.

Crush all that is Yours.

Dismantle my pride.

Until i am humble.

Leashed and Owned.

Crush me.

Until i am nothing.

But what you allow me to be.

Your power and Dominance.

Are my air to breathe.

You are my world.

i seek your violence and wrath.

Crush me.

i submit to Your will.

Only through You

Can i find peace.

Tear apart Your petals.

To make me whole.

Only You can.

Crush me.

Yes, M. Crush me.

It is my only destiny.

~DominaKat

Bedtime

My Daddy...every night I want His soft shirt under my cheek and the sultry smell of Him flooding my senses. I want to listen to His heart beat strong and sure under me, lulling me to sleep.

My Man...Mmmmmm....to wrapped in His arms, my leg between His.  So very close.  His heat penetrates deep into my soul and wraps around to protect and nurture me.

There is nothing in the world like falling asleep in M's arms.  Never in my life have I ever felt so loved and cherished...felt so wanted.  From the very first night, He moved me, set Himself apart from every other experience I'd ever had.

Our love...it's beautiful.
~DominaKat

A Dark Hunger

I am so hungry for His dick to be stuff in my mouth I could scream. I don't care if it's hard, soft, piss covered...I need the taste and smell of HIM like I need air to breathe. 

I love it when M uses my mouth and abuses my throat so that I gag, even puke. To feel His hand forcing me down His cock is to know, accept, and embrace my place as His property. ~sigh~ The sweet calming surrender of service to Him is like no other drug on Earth. 

Oh...and to...god yes, please Sir that. Let me please taste. Even now I tremble at the thought of that privledge to You. My tongue and lips beg for that honor. I want...no NEED desperately to be the filthiest bitch I can for You. 

I can't help this. I can't deny this. Being Yours...feeling Your dark Dominance and nurturing Light is the root of my being. I've sought my place for so long...only with You am I ever truly free.

~whimper~ Please Sir. Feed your humble aching pet. 

~DominaKat

Time to Work

At first I reigned myself that this was going to be a sloppy, likely incoherent blog post.  I was focused only on beginning the conversation.  I have a dozen other items on my to-do list to do and didn't want to take too much time away from what else I could accomplish.  But before I even finished my first sentence, stating upfront that this would be sloppy and likely incoherent, I realized that that is my entire fucking problem right now in the first place.  I can't begin with any hope of success if I start off embracing exactly what I need to destroy.  Fuck.  ~sigh~

But I caught it.  At least I got that part right.  Life, chaos, family dramas, and struggles have wrapped around my submission and isolated it away to where it no longer consumes me.  While I am 110% dedicated, devoted, and loyal to M, my submission right now isn't that happy, sweet place of peace and tranquility.  There's little time for that, and those moments are usually only found in the late hours of the night when M and I are winding down or in quick flutters of flirtatious banter with my Daddy through the day.  The rest of the time my submission is in my service-oriented and protocol driven.  And even my protocols are being effected by my fast-paced need to progress, achieve, and get done.

I so fucking miss the consuming warmth that use to be my submission.  Yet at the same time I've never been so focused, driven, motivated, or in-sych serving a Man.  It's like I'm getting so many things right, yet losing a firm grip on the other pieces I had once mastered so well.

~sigh~

I don't have any answers tonight.  As I said, I simply wanted to begin the conversation.  I know these things...

I love the work that I am doing for M.  It fulfills me in countless ways.
I miss the weight of his Dominance and the give of my emotional submission to Him.
I understand and am no longer in angst about that last one.  Right now is simply a time to wait.  We will begin again.
So what do I do in the meantime to not lose ground and to be the most obedient pet I can be?  How do I  refocus my submission?  Do I need stronger punishment?  More concrete reward/praise?  Augh...do either one of us really have time or energy for that when our whole goal is to get done so that I can get there?

Ehhhhh...I'm searching for answers that I won't find.  But the conversation has begun.
~DominaKat