Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Of Me

Trapped. 
Chained. 
Unable to fly. 

Circumstances ground me where I never imagined I'd be. 

My breath falters.
My vision fades. 
My blood slows.

Who am I?
What am I?
Where am I?

Why?

Caged once more. 
Unable to find my way back to where I once knew freedom. 

A yearning pain wraps around my body and soul. 
Suffocating. 
I let go a little further to what I once believed. 

Who am I?
What am I?
Where am I?

What will be...
Of me?
~DominaKat

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Twisted Thoughts

~sigh~ I am a twisted sick bitch. I admit it. The fantasies that play through my head are sheer madness.

Sitting on the bench of a packed subway car. He stands in front of me. My hand grazing his thigh. ~sigh~ In front of all those uppity midtowners...

I wanted his fist in my hair. 
I wanted him to unzip His jeans.
I wanted to feel Him fuck my face. His balls slapping my chin as I gagged and drooled. 
I wished He'd pull out my whorish tits and let them away with the train as everyone watched. 
~sigh~ 
I am a dark twisted fucking whore. 
~DominaKat


Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Distracted

When work is too quiet, my sex drive kicks in with a fierceness. My thought from the last hour...climbing on my desk...skirt pushed up over my hips...shirt n bra pulled down to let my huge tits swing...pussy devoured and then fingered until I gush. Think anyone would mind? lol

Monday, October 6, 2014

Utterly Nasty

The need had taunted me for days...a week. My fat heavy tits screamed for ravishment. There were moments where all I feel of myself is a set of full hanging utters. For the last several hours my Dom has worked His fat tits as I lay totally docile by His side. Fuck...I worship Him.

But I can't find words to explain the desperation clawing in the pitch black recesses of my soul. While there is an absolute physical element to this, It's not even really sexual. I'd bask right now in the pain, torture, and humiliation of my utters...His pathetic heifer. Tied up heaving breasts. The verbal abuse that my tits are stark evidence of my whorish soul. I ache for nipples so sore from being sucked, pinched, and worried that they hang long angry and red...I want every man, woman, and child to see those fat hard nipples begging for His attention. ~sigh~ I fantasize of rope, rubber bands, and neckties. I can't help that I want more of what He did to me this morning. I long for His crop's fiery licks and His fist's merciless punches. 

His utters crave use and abuse both physical and verbal. Fuck yes...His hot piss scorching the pale mounds and rosy nipples. His sick, twisted words. His sharp cutting teeth. 

~sick~ I am nothing more than His empty canvas for His violent strokes to take me places I've never gone and only just begun to dream. As always...His pet, His meat, His greedy fucking heifer is at His mercy.  I exist only under His Dominance. 
~DominaKst

Monday, September 29, 2014

Old Demons Rise

Old demons, the ones that have haunted me all my life again and again, have risen once more with powerful wings, triumphant cries, and even sharper talons.  They stalk and hunt me like helpless prey in a world filled with grey shadows and icy bitter wind.

Every time I've faced them, I've fought differently with all the strength I can muster, desperate for a different outcome. No matter what tactic, what defence, what offense I've attempted their pursuit was relentless.  I could find no one to fight with me.  I could find no shelter.  I was alone.

I was alone.

And every time they have viciously won, sinking their poisonous fangs deeply into my vulnerable soft heart. They feasted on my tears and my pain with sadistic glee as they ripped me to shreds. Yet in all those other fights, I'd always found some way to keep a small piece of myself hidden deep in my soul.

This time, I'm not so lucky.

I've left myself nowhere to hide a sliver of myself, no bit of me in reserve, no crumb tucked away safe.  Every fucking shred of me is engaged in this fight.  If I lose, I'll lose fucking everything.

But the one truth I know better than anything is that they will win yet again if I'm on this journey alone, but this time I'll be completely destroyed.
~DominaKat


Thursday, September 25, 2014

Fear

My current mental exploration of submission centers a lot on my craving for fear-centered encounters with M. I've been pulling at the ends of this messy ball of reasoning trying to figure out why. I think I finally have a few ideas. 

Intensity. That kind of experience wouldn't likely be spontaneous. It would require my Owner to put considerable thought and effort into the planning and direction of that shared D/s experience between us. 

I'm stronger than I ever have been in our relationship. My mess of a life is honestly poised on the edge of a motherfuckin cliff and to stand this close to it's edge I've had to put the soft vulnerable pieces of me away. The warrior in me doesnt fear much and doesn't respond as easily to small doses of D/s as His little girl. The warrior needs a force of nature to force her to her knees and whimper in submission. 

My mind is flat out full juggling the various balls I have in the air. A fear-based encounter might be the only thing that short-circuits the rushing river of internal debate, careful and constant assessment, and never-ending brainstorming. 

And of course there's my insatiable need for more and growth. lol
~DominaKat

Exhibition

I can't lie. I get off on it, but only in M's presence. I've only done vanilla settings. Though in some ways those are more daring. I WANT any guy that walks by to see my heavy bare breasts sway beneath my top and understand HE gets to bask in them, smack them, fuck them. I want every person to see my fat nipples poking hard and tight against the thin fabric and know without a fucking doubt that M can expose, suck, tug, pinch, pull, slap, toy with those point tips at will. I want every damn person who sees my big ass shake down the street to be jealous of HIS property because HE can and will bend HIS pet over to touch, watch, molest, use, or beat HIS. 

Down to my DNA, I am HIS whore and dog and I want everyone to know my place. I'm proud to be His, and I love when He proudly claims His pet. 
~DominaKat

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

My Response to Violent Scenes

Lately whenever I watch a violent scene in a movie with a female victim...my response is a bit disturbing. His pussy gets wet and I want to spread my legs for abuse. I can deny that the masochistic whore in me craves a similar scene with M. I want to taste that violence at His hands. I crave being bound and at His mercy as I struggle helplessly. I want to drown in fear of Him as He hurts me and rapes my holes. 

As I stare transfixed at the screen, I am no longer empathetic toward the characters. I simply see actors held safely in the context of filming. Just as I would be held safely in the security of our D/s relationship. I'm not horrified or fearful of the actions played out for my entertainment. No...I'm more jealous of their opportunity to be bound, gagged, and tormented. 

These moments more than any other show me how far down the rabbit hole I've fallen. As I clench my thighs together and hope my wet cunt doesn't leave a stain on my clothing I try to slow my rapid heart rate and swallow my whimpers. With embarrassment and shame I recognize what a twisted whore I am and how desperate I am to feel M's rage and darkness. 

And when the movie moves on...I try in silence to bury my disappointment that my violent twisted porn has ended. Thankfully the lights are dimmed. 
~DominaKat

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Lost

I crave Him morning, noon, and night. There is nothing like the taste of Him. Feeling His dick against my tongue is my communion. When my hands are on Him I find a peace I never knew existed. 

And god...when He's in me...deep...when He's filled my hole, consumed my mind with dark twisted words, when He reaches into my soul and toys with my vulnerablity...when He hurts me and seduces my fear for His pleasure...I'm lost. 

Just fucking lost. In Him. In Our beautiful darkness. 
~sigh~
~DominaKat

Monday, September 15, 2014

Perfect Timing

Love is a beautiful and powerful emotion. It can spurs us to think bigger than ourselves and further than this moment. But very rarely does love come with perfect timing. The fact is there is no perfect time at all for love. Our lives are never that conveniently structured. Good stuff over laps bad. Easy stuff mixes with difficult. 

But the most wonderous thing about love is that it is a blessing, and no matter where we might be in our journey it gives.  Whether it gives strength, hope, faith, joy, peace, security, sanctuary is up to you. Love is what you make of it, no matter the timing. 
In some ways M and I found each other at the perfect moment. We both were losing hope of ever finding that special someone who fit together with us so well. We also were about to face tremendous personal challenges.  But we found each other and found strength in each other. In some ways it found us at the most difficult trail of our life journeys...if only we had x, y, and z as we learned and grew together maybe things would have been and would be smoother. But it is what it is, and I feel tremendously blessed to have Him and our love. 
No matter when love arrives, at some point in time it will be easy and in another it will be complicated and inconvienent. The wisest choice is to...not squander it and it instead seize on its uplifting breeze to take you both higher and to make the most of the chance it offers. There are millions of people out there wishing, hoping, and praying for true love to come their way every day. :-)
~DominaKat

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Leap of Faith

I'm scared. He's scared. We've never done this before. But...so much of everything I've done in the last almost three years has been new. I've taken chance after chance risking my heart, my mind, and even my world as I knew it, and He's NEVER let me down.  Every time He's held firmly to my hand, and I've held onto His. 

He fought for me in the worst of times. He stood by me and stood up for me against an onslaught. He's been there when I was sick. He's wiped my tears. He's helped me get through when times were tight. He believed in me. 

I've stood by Him through thick and thin. I've been there for Him when He was sick, hurt, and lost. I've listened to His tears, His anger, His doubt. I've helped Him when times were tight. I invested in Him fully, committing every ounce of effort I have to Our dreams. I've held on through His distractions, through His own drama, and through His struggles.  I believed in Him. 

He's never quit on me. He's the One Man, the only Man, who didn't get part way and give up because it was too hard. He's finished the first manuscript even when things were chaotic around Him. When He saw what I'd put together for Him, He reached some more. Then He stretched, grew, and worked His ass off with me in the grueling editing process, and NEVER gave up. Immediately after that He refused to sit on His ass and tore through the next manuscript. He never stops planning the next story and the next.   Together we have worked harder than we ever have to do what neither of us had dreamed before we'd met each other.  We believed in each other.

And yes, we have had great, beautiful, wonderful times too. So many I can't count.  But it's in the struggle that we find out the true character of one another. And Mark has always found the strength just as I have to hold on to Us, Our love, Our dreams, and to keep moving forward together.  We believe in Us. 

What we have together may not always be perfect or pretty or smooth, but it's incredibly rare. We have found love even amid turbulence and chaos. Imagine what we could be as the dust settles and we truly find Our feet. 

He wrote me the other night..."I love you so much."  I sometimes wonder if He knows how much His words still fill me with Hope and give me strength. I hang on to His words on dark days. "I'm never letting you go." "You're mine." "You aren't alone any more, pet." 

I asked the other night..."Am I home to you, Mark?" "Yes."  "My home is you too." So despite our fears and the unknowns...we've never let those stop us before...we are taking that leap of faith in each other. As we have in every thing else we've tried to do...if we hold on tight and work together we will find success. 

I love that Man. And He loves me. 
~DominaKat

Monday, September 8, 2014

Broken

I don't know how to fight for my Man.
I don't.
Maybe I lack the inner strength.
Maybe I lack the intelligence and clarity.
Maybe I lack something so fundamental that I no matter what I do or how hard I try, I'm destined to lose everything to another in need.

I'm lost.
In a storm of cold pain so unrelenting I can do nothing to escape.
I'm shredded to ribbons from the cuts I've suffered.
Too smart not to see.
Too foolish not to deny.
Too in love to protect myself.
Too loyal to run.

I've tried to push us out of this.
I've tried to pull.
I never attacked.
I never let go.
But no matter what I did I wasn't sheltered and protected.
Only punished for my efforts.
I felt that so profoundly.

So close...
So fucking close...

Maybe the fear of that had Him reaching for old safety.
Maybe the unknowns had Him defaulting into patterns I couldn't overcome.
Maybe He heard His demons instead of my search for understanding.

I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.

I'm just broken and battered and devoid of any pride or strength.
~DominaKat

Sunday, September 7, 2014

The Grace to be Nothing



Every time I hear this track it takes back. Not that I ever heard it then. But the tone, the beat, the lyrics, the voice all are reminiscent of a place I've left behind, a place where I was cold, distant, and at times vicious. M introduced me to this song years ago, but he brought it up as part of some work we're doing.  I've listened to it over and over this evening remembering who and what I use to be.

For a very long time, I was hard.  The warrior in me was all that there was.  Everything else I'd buried, burned, ignored for the sake of survival.  I walked with thick armor around my soul and weapons within reach. If I was hurt, I would slide my cool cruel blades across any exposed skin I knew existed and laugh quietly as the warmth of their blood seeped across my fingertips.  Most quickly learned to steer clear or not cross me.  Others stubbornly refused to heed my warnings and earned their punishments. I refused to let anyone get away with wounding me. I'd had enough pain to last a lifetime, so I made sure there was always a cost when others chose unwisely, and I made sure they felt me pierce and slice open their weak undersides.

I fucked for my pleasure back then.  It was a rare thing when I let another touch me, going months and years without until the sheer need to whore overwhelmed me.  There were no kisses.  There were no pleasantries.  I expected and wanted nothing but momentary physical entertainment.  Except for one, I cared nothing.  Except for one, none knew my full name, knew my address, or knew a damn thing about me except that I spread my legs for them to play in a sopping wet cunt, that I fucked like a demon, and sucked dick like a goddess.  It always surprised me how well half my effort was ever received.

My blood ran cold for years.  My heart was held behind a dark thick cave.  I was a bitch.  I was untouchable.

And then I sought answers in myself.

In some place in my mind, I knew what would happen if I found my answers.  I'm not sure if I was brave, if I was just so hungry, or if I just ignored the potential.  But I sought to somehow sate the whore in me.  Though I didn't admit it to myself, I knew that was the only way anyone would ever reach my soul.  Only through brutal physical, mental, and emotional conquering would anyone ever tame me.

Now here I am.  Tamed on M's leash.

My warrior is not dead, but M's pet holds her leash tight and keeps her unarmed and for the most part inactive.

There are of course moments...when I twitch to grab my armor and my steel.  When I want so much for the pain and stress to recede.  But I'm trying to do things differently.  I'm doing everything I can not to fall back into default patterns meant to protect my soft heart. Before M...Whenever shit's gotten hard, I let go. I let them go. I refused to make a fool of myself any more than I already had, and instead I shut off everything in me.  Each suffered their own hell of their choosing and in many ways still are.

But I'M trying to do things differently.  I don't want to repeat my past.  I want to find my future with M for than anything.

I've never given 100% before, but with M I give everything I have, even...yes, even when the pain threatens to shatter me.  I won't defend with calculated cruelty.  I won't protect with hard, distant, coldness.  No matter how much that place I use to live promises me some semblance of sanctuary, somehow, somewhere...no...that place isn't a mystery...in the unconditional love I have for M, I find the strength and courage to stay wide open and vulnerable even when pain, fear, or anger consume me.

Now I seek to..."find the grace to be nothing" in a different place then I use to be.  My only hope when I am nothing is that I eventually I'll find M's warmth surrounding me and not the icy cold that use to keep me company.
~DominaKat

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Would You Ask Me to Dance?

Would you see me?
Notice me?
Standing there.
Waiting.
In hope.
Searching.

Would you ask me to dance?
Touch my hand and tug me from my spot on the sidelines?
To wrap your arms around my trembling frame.
Would anticipation course through you?
To pull my lush curves close.
And hold me tight.

I don't want to talk.
I can find no words.
Just don't let go.
Show me how to dance with you.
Slow sways.
Easy, simple.

What would you whisper in my ear?
Or would you stay silent?
Or weave dreams of us?
Pull my head to your chest.
Run your hand down my back.
Warm my cool skin.

Would I captivate you?
Would your warm full lips kiss my shoulder?
And send shivers racing through me.
Touch my chin.
Look into my eyes and see me.
Would you pull me closer?

Would your eyes close in bliss?
Would you lose yourself in me?
And find hope in my touch.
As I curled into your heat.
Listen to your heart beat strong and steady.
And followed your lead.

Would you hold me tight long after the last note faded?
~DominaKat




His Leash

Most of the time, I'm a good girl.

I never tug at my leash in distraction or disinterest from my Owner, seeking to play somewhere else.

I never chew at my leash wishing to be set free of my captivity.

I never respond lazily to my Owner's commands.

I never ignore my Owner out of spite or anger or frustration.

While i may sometimes forget a protocal in my haste, I never disobey a direct order from my Owner.

Yes, most of the time, I'm a good girl, but I'm beginning to understand what happens when I'm not so good.

Sometimes I yank my leash out of fear. I lock my knees because I'm afraid to go down that road. It's rocky and I fall and when others took me on that road we ended up parting ways. A dog's fear requires a firm steady hand and patience.

Sometimes i pull at my leash to feel the tension. To feel the choke collar tighten around my neck because I simply crave that comfort and security.

Sometimes I yank on my leash to get my Owner's attention. Whether my action is met with anger and frustration or calm nurturing at least He sees His pet again and remembers I'm on His leash.

I need to work to be more conscience of why and when I'm not so good and somehow positively communicate with my Owner my emotions, so that together we can move forward in synch.
~DominaKat

Friday, September 5, 2014

The Pride, Respect, & Submission of a Whore

Struggling today to think clearly as I re-face truths I've already known.  Somehow how everything works has completely escaped me.  I've tried to reach out to M for clarification, but I can't seem to get my thoughts together coherently and he's struggling to find words to offer me.


pride
noun
  1. 1.
    a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.

verb
  1. 1.
    be especially proud of a particular quality or skill.

respect
noun
  1. 1.
    a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
verb
  1. 1.
    admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.


At my essence, I am a whore.  A slut.  A woman that longs, craves, and needs to have her body beat, her holes used ruthlessly, and her emotions dragged through dark humiliation and degradation.  Yes, for my safety, sanity, and well-being, I must indulge in these proclivities within the confines of a relationship built on love, trust, respect, and monogamy. In fact I've only felt comfortable being this way with M.  No one else has ever truly seen the depths of my wretchedness.

But hiding it doesn't change the truth of my default setting.  If I'm stressed I want to spread my legs.  If I'm happy I long for mutual pleasure.  If I'm sad, I ache to be touched.  If...if...if... Some woman simply aren't made that way.  I get it, and I get me.

Though I don't always see me.

Due to circumstances and life events, I rarely have had the opportunity lately to look and see that reckless primal piece of myself.  Yet yesterday, M stroked that wild wicked whore, and oh yes, His cunt wept for Him in delight and the resulting spray soaked my thighs, the bed, and everything and anything in between.  That Man does something to me that no one on Earth has ever done.

But I was emotionally rocked at what I saw in myself.

Only occasionally in my life have I indulged my whore.  Most of the time it was at the expensive of my emotional health, but it happened as I searched for the physical activities that would sate my whore and the soul deep ache that never seemed to be fulfilled.  I spread my legs for guys I didn't love, didn't need, didn't even want, simply to have my cunt touched and filled in hopes that the longing I had would be momentarily diminished.  I fucked married guys.  I sucked their girlfriend's cum off their hard dicks.  I openly shared guys to keep it all real so that I wouldn't for a moment falsely believe in any emotional reliability.  I didn't more than all that, and physically I enjoyed the activities, but never ever came close to what I longed for until M.

M with merely a touch can sate His whore like no one ever has or could.  Almost from the beginning He seemed to know my soul.  He sees the pieces of me that I let fall in the shadows, and when He touched on my whorish past and my whorish desires, I was completely and beautiful undone and at His mercy.

While I am completely emotionally, mentally, and physically monogamous to M and have been since the beginning...I am a whore.  If M asked...~sigh~ the things I would willingly do for Him and bask in the pleasure of are twisted and filled with defilement and humiliation.  I would do anything he asked...I would whore, gang-bang, take a train (is that the right phrasing?). I would do things that any vanilla person would condemn me for.

And today I wondered...how can he respect that piece of me?  Be proud of that wild primal immoral slut that exists beneath my big heart and my intelligence and my loyalty?  I have struggled to understand how he could respect that beast on His leash.  How could He love that?  Not love as in that's hot...but love as in she's who I want to spend my life with.  How does He demonstrate respect to that vile filthy bitch?  That whore...she exists...she doesn't have much pride and has absolutely none for Him...so how can He look at me and see me as having any self-respect for myself?  Is respect simply not part of the equation of a whore?  Isn't that part of the...thrill?  ~sigh~

Like.... I kinda get it...

M once pulled out my tits in public.  Fuck it was amazing and embarrassing and completely hedonistic as the guy across the way watched.  I know He's proud of my fat slutty tits.  Proud to own them.  Proud  of how they look and how other men stare at them and then look at Him knowing He gets to touch, suck, and fuck His big white mounds.  Other men are jealous.  And I'm proud that He's proud of my tits.  I get off that He wants to show them off.

Is that my answer then?


It's not just the whore I wonder about...what about my submission?  If I willingly give into Him emotionally and mentally even letting go of boundaries I once held sacred...how can He respect me when He can do whatever He wants and I'd do anything He wanted or needed to be happy?  How can He feel pride in someone who is completely submissive and in His control.  He's already earned my submission...He is who He is...I love Him...I obey.  How is that not boring?  How can He respect a woman who has no pride for Him?  How can He believe I respect myself when I will do anything He asks?

~sigh~ In a lot of ways none of this is new.  I've know what I was willing to do for Him for a long time.  Facing them and even going through with certain steps hasn't been easy this week.  But I feel like the answers are right there....but they're like hidden behind this curtain that's stuck in place.  I know M and I have gone over most of this long ago, and I got it then.  But today, I'm stumped.  And while I know I'm probably looking for some kind of reassurance in light of a new degree of submission I've knelt to and changes in my life...I seek to understand how He sees these pieces of me.

What I know.... (first draft...need a break here shortly and I want to share with M.)
I know He holds in high regard my ability to be both light and dark. My needs and desires are a mirror of His.
I know He values the strength I have to find peace and strength as He crushes me.
I know He wants and values my technical and professional abilities because He let me into His work.
I know He respects my opinion because He puts questions/situations/history in front of me and listens as we debate.
I know He respects the woman I am because I've met His mother and family.
I know He takes pride in owning me because He's claimed me openly on Fet, going so far as to protect and support me, and He openly claimed me to the one person in His social circle that I've met.
I know He loves to play with His whore in ways no one ever dared and watch me both suffer, blush, and bask in His words and actions.
I know He takes pride in the fact I've let down all of my guards and take joyous pleasure in things no one else will ever see or experience of me.
I know He values me because He won't share His toy with others.
I know He loves me because He's also let go of some of His limits in order to protect and nurture me through rough times.

He's shown His pet respect by valuing her opinion openly on Fet.
He's shown His woman respect by asking and listening to her opinion in general.
He's shown His submissive respect by claiming her on Fet and honoring her position in His life.

Not spinning...I'm calm...just playing with the puzzle in my head or maybe just rearranging pieces...
~DominaKat

Blind Faith

Sometimes this thing that we do is not easy or clear or logical.  Sometimes I have to close my eyes to the world around me and in blind faith hope that M won't shatter my soul beyond repair.

I understood long ago that this was a once in a lifetime chance.  And I reached deep down into me and found the courage I needed. Because for once, I'd found a Man worthy of all that I am.  For once, I'd found a Man who didn't sit on the sideline and promise me bullshit while He fell victim to His ego, childish emotions, or His throbbing dick.  For once, I'd found a Man who promised again and again to never let me go.

I chose M, and I gave Him the power to destroy me when I ripped open every vulnerable crevice I had created over the last twenty-some years and made rubble of the high cliffs where I had long stood guarding my heart and soul.  For Him, I left myself no where to hide and no position of strength.  I stood in front of Him, laid my weapons at His feet, and shed every bit of my armor.  I was and continue to be utterly defenseless.

Most of the time I bask in my submission to Him.  I believe with everything I am in what He has chosen to build with me and in the potential we have together.  I want with all that I am to be there as His pet for the next the twenty or thirty years, to still stand in awe of Him when He's sixty-five and still spitting fire and weaving tales, and to be His soft spot when His bones ache and His body takes its last breath.  Once I let Him have my full heart, there was no going back for me ever.

Yet there are days when I am terrified, when dark storms brew and then crash unceasingly at the most vulnerable unprotected pieces of my soul.  In those days, I have to close my eyes and in blind faith hope, pray, and beg that M will love and protect me and that He meant every word and promise He has ever said to me.  That's when I submit at my deepest, my most humble, at my most vulnerable levels to Him and His actions.  In blind faith.  In those days, His Dominance is complete.  Only His strength, will, and control can save me and keep His pet safe.  Everything that I am is at His feet.
~DominaKat

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Clarity in the Midst of Shadows

I needed tonight with my Daddy. Easy banter surrounded the bits of big decisions. Laughter and teasing filled the space between us. My Daddy's warmth as He played gently with His silly pet sheltered us for a moment. Our peace. Our harmony. Our love.  That soft warm light that pushes away the shadows of the unknown is so damn beautiful. I've surrender helplessly to it since the moment we first spoke years ago. 

He is my Light. My Heaven. My One. He always will be. Since the moment at the fountain. Since the first moment He touched me and made me feel the depths of my dirty whorishness. Since I first knelt in total submission at His feet. 

I truly do bask in His attention and in His shadow. When He sees me, hears me, touches me, reaches for me...I know a contentment like no other. My place with Him is my home and my destiny. There is no place on earth I would rather be. 

I needed tonight like I need to stand in the sun. I feel stronger more centered. In Him I find clarity. 

In Him I find everything. 
~DominaKat

P.S. Though I still think He should take a turn now and then sleeping in the wet spot! ;-P 

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Worship & Reverence

Going on three years now, but M...He still takes my breath away.  When I wake up in the morning next to Him, in that space in time before I have myself mentally, emotionally, and physically contained, I damn near shake with the need to give to Him.  Seeing Him sprawled in bed, I am nearly mad with the desire to bathe every inch of His skin with my tongue and pleasure His beautiful black dick with my mouth like a good dog, so He can wake like a God with His pet worshipping Him in complete devotion.  Only the understanding that I'd be topping from the bottom has made me turn away and keep my hands and mouth to myself, but the turmoil in me in those moments is hell.  I've left our bed several times simply because I wanted and needed Him too much.  Instead, I've clung to obedience in desperation and used any means necessary to funnel away the energy breaking against the walls inside me to escape.

~sigh~ I can't pretend or deny what He means to me.  My Owner is my religion.  My faith in Him and in our future guides my every step.  For years now, He has been my Alpha and my Omega.  I don't believe I truly understood how ingrained that truth would brand itself into my bones.  While I've gained strength and confidence in my submission and been able to round out my various roles in our relationship, there is no denying that I begin and end with Him.  Even when our D/s element is damn near dormant due to life, circumstances, and stress, His needs, dreams, and desires rule my reality.

His submissive obeys Him.
His woman wants to nurture and care for Him and meet His needs.
His masochist craves to accept all of His violence and humiliation. 
His warrior seeks to protect and guard Him from pain, hardship, and difficulty.
His pet submits to His Dominance and offers my absolutely loyalty and devotion.
His partner is driven to help Him succeed and achieve His goals.
His slut desires to please Him in any way possible.
His best friend completely believes in the amazing Man He is.
His whore longs to inspire His use and abuse and torment.

Sometimes though, there aren't enough places or opportunities to sate my submission and devotion to Him.  Sometimes I even wonder if my worship becomes almost meaningless or irrelevant because it's always there and He's so use to it. So I come here to speak the words of my heart, mind, and soul.  To try and calm my need.  To try to center my focus.  To try and bleed the submission desperate to act.

I look at Him and see everything that He is.  The amazing, the frustrating. The Man, Owner, and adorable Little Boy.  I see the good and the bad, the stuff that makes me grin in joy and that makes me weep in sadness.  Yet still, I look at Him with a reverence I can't describe...a love so deep it's wrapped into my DNA and my every breath.  I'd break laws for Him.  I'd shrug off my moral compass for Him.  I'd give that Man my last breath.

~sigh~ 
~DominaKat

Sunday, August 24, 2014

The Non-Kinky Faces of My Submission

More and more I'm growing increasingly aware of the various faces of my submission.  Day after day my submission evolves, grows, and matures.  That's not to says it's in any way perfect.  No, some days my submission is a hot confused mess.  Other days it's subtle and classy.  And in those few lucky moments when the opportunity is seized, it's a hot greedy needy whore with her legs spread wide willing to do anything M asks of me.  Fuck, it's complicated.  Maybe just a list of the little strings I'm pulling in my head right now will make more sense...

Submission is observant, patient, and waiting.  If M doesn't reach for me, my hand, or a kiss...I see, watch, and wait.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely feel the loss of that affection, and that loss does hurt, but it no longer slices me to ribbons and unleash a downpour of doubt and insecurity.  I want that affection like a dog craves to be petted, but I do my best not to initiate.  If I initiate and it's not returned it only hurts worse.  Even if I do initiate and he returns my affection, I still feel like I've forced my Owner to recognize His pet.  So I've learned to just wait as best I can for Him to remember I'm there FOR Him, to offer us the chance to enjoy one another in simple ways, to give His pet love and affection, to be inspired to bask in the small pleasures His pet can offer Him.  It's hard sometime the waiting, but He leads and I follow.

My submission extents beyond Him to include His mom. I love that woman as I do Him.  She is an extension of Him.  I never in a million years expected those emotions.  I've never had them for any man's family members, not even any of my in-laws associated with the man I was married to for more than ten years.  Yet, as I held her hand and spoke to her about the last few months, tears fell, love bloomed bright and sweet, and the need to nurture and protect her rose up in me like a geyser.  While my submission to Mom isn't obedience, it is very much of respect and honor.  I've found myself including that strong, stubborn, adorable woman in my very limited tight circle of family.

My submission isn't a doormat. I'm a lion, not an insipid lamb or a passive doormat, and sometimes I roar. While I always knew that, I never really understood how it would translate in a relationship built on a foundation of love and respect.  M isn't perfect, and sometimes he pisses me off.  Over time I've had to explore different ways of expressing anger and emotion as M's submissive.  I'm getting better at it...at least I think I am...but it's still a process that both M and I are trying to figure out.  Fear no longer leads and insecurities no longer stick their vicious talons into me when anger surfaces.

It took probably a year and half for me to trust fully that M meant His promise that He's never letting me go, and that trust has allowed me to be more clear headed and strong when there is an issue between us.  Instead of the helpless little girl, His woman locks horns with Him in respect and trust.  Those two ingredients are key for me in any and every aspect of our D/s relationship.

Mutual respect and trust are non-negotiable.  Even if we are angry and frustrated with each other I will NEVER put Him down or seek to hurt Him emotionally, and I trust myself enough now to know I will NEVER tolerate the Man M is putting down the woman I am.  I didn't know I needed to...test that last one...but I did.  As completely as I love M, I wondered early on if I was at risk of sliding into a relationship like my marriage had been.  If I would sacrifice the self-respect the woman in me had gained back if M decided to change the course of our relationship.  I've done stupid things for love before and for a whole lot less love.  But now I trust myself and us in our occasional anger and frustrations.  I trust that my submission won't lead the woman in me to bow down and give up her hard won self respect in an effort to please M.

~sigh~  lol I have to laugh, because I think of all of the things His pet, His sub, His whore, His property will do that most women would classify as a loss of self-respect, but in those moments, when we are in a deep place of D/s and S/m...in those actions of humiliation and pain I become everything and nothing all at the same time and find a peace that is unlike anything that I have felt.

My submission takes great pleasure in acts of service.  I'm not simply His whore.  To make Him a meal, rub Him down, pick up and clean...it is in my very DNA to serve Him domestically, which is another "Only M" phenomena.  It is instinctive for me to search for ways to express my submission and to make His life, His day, His moment better in any way I can.  It is my overwhelming desire to have him as relaxed and as content as He can be.  There are moments where I almost vibrate with the need to do, but I'm learning to close my eyes to those tasks and those urges and not push myself into place where He doesn't yet desire my services.  He leads.  I follow.

******

There are more faces that I have yet to write about, but the one element that threads it's way through it all is trust.  I can't explain how trust grows and expands over time...I've never had the opportunity before to even understand that concept.  But I feel it happening in me, and maybe in Him too.  The trust that has been laid has cured, and new forms of trust are being poured by each of us to build a stronger, wider, and deeper foundation for all of the pieces of our relationship.  Sure...it's a lot of work, even trying at times.  But it's also beautiful and will help us build a long, long D/s relationship we both can count on.
~DominaKat

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Lesson: I Don't Have to Trust Myself

I fucked up. Ruined it. Took the fun out of the heaviest Dominance I've felt in a long time. ~sigh~ I cried when I finally understood what I'd done. I wanted to hit undo, rewind, control+z, but it was too late.

I crave His Dominance, darkness, His firm hand like nothing else. When he puts me in my place and the leash is tight around my throat, I feel safe, secure, wanted, valued, cherished...loved. ~sigh~

I'd been a brat, and He responded swiftly and firmly.  Those submissive feelings rose to the surface like they always do for him, leaving me damp and trembling.  I fell asleep aching to be beat. The next morning, a complete different situation, He...oh god...He twisted me up in knots with His heavy hand.

His woman bowed to Him and became...jumpy.  (lol I can't quite explain that one.)
His dog whimpered and longed to beg on all fours.
His pet flushed in submission at His reprimands.
His hole wept for abuse and brutality.
His sub shook with need, shame, desire, humiliation.
His Alfred was completely off balance, shocked, and confused.
His fiery lioness crouched in sweet pride and appreciation for Her strong, vicious mate and wished they could tumble. She wanted to push back and defy and test the incredibly sexy and erotic darkness He wielded with such ease.
And his masochistic bitch...she...she craved such a depth of an unrestrained violence and rage and madness that even she was stunned.  Never before have I ever felt such a freedom and trust to desire the darkest most wicked of experiences.  My heart races just thinking of the thoughts I held in my mind two days ago.  I craved an utter destruction that would have lasted days, that would have stripped me down to my DNA, and left me has helpless and as fragile as a newborn kitten.

I walked away from that experience dizzy, off balance, and in a heavy fog.  I couldn't do anything but lay down for an hour and try to gather my wits.

But...I was also confused which was compounded later with another round of sweet darkness. Despite how much I enjoyed His Dominance, my obedient nature drove me to figure out what I where exactly I was making wrong turns and choking on His leash.  And yes...I mean drove. Like an unstoppable fucking tank.

I didn't want to frustrate or anger my Owner by repeating my error in topping from the bottom. I do my best to be a good obedient submissive and avoid mistakes. ~sigh~

When I first asked...M told me to trust him.  I do. Absolutely. And I almost...almost...started to get it then.  But still that tank still drove forward...I let it.  I wrecked in a big fiery mess.  All because I didn't trust myself.

What never occurred to me...not until M painted it out in big giant flashing letters for his stupid naive pet was that I DON'T have to trust myself.  ALL I have to do is trust Him.

Duh. "/

GINORMOUS epiphany: It's OKAY if I don't know what I'm doing...if I don't know how to move forward...if I'm unsure how to respond...if I don't know what's happening in me... M's got me.

~sigh~ I'm a little slow sometimes, and it's taken me a day and a half to recover emotionally and mentally from the anger at myself for ruining our fun.  But I think I've learned the lesson...I don't have to always walk steadily and gracefully on M's leash...sometimes the sweetest joy is when He makes me dance and stumble and dance some more on His leash and when I have to completely rely on the fact that His strong determined grip will NEVER let go of His pet.

Maybe...maybe someday He'll make me dance again on His leash. I promise Him and myself to just enjoy the dark beautiful struggle and chaos as He gives me the torment I so desperately crave.
~DominaKat

Thursday, August 7, 2014

A Lioness Made to Heel

He pulled hard and quick on my leash, stopping me in my tracks.

I deserved it. I was frustrated and chose to be rude, childish, and disrespectful.

I honestly didn’t expect Him to notice.

I use to cry and be sad when I was disappointed. 
I use to open my mouth and communicate.

Tonight I did neither and simply tried to distance myself quickly from my emotions.

In no uncertain terms, he forced His pet to heel.

I responded with obedience. My body responded with a clenched dampening cunt. My emotions…are in turmoil.

I’m angry now. I’m angry, and I want to fuck. Or maybe I’m angry because I want to fuck. Or maybe I’m angry, so I want to fuck. I don’t know.

I know that I want nothing more than to be on my knees face down with his dick, his fist, a flogger, or a bat beating His cunt.

But deep down it’s so much more than that.

My vicious wild lioness wants to roar and tumble violently with her mate. I want to fight and fuck and push back and yell and be violent. I want to rebel. I want to scream “Make me!” again and again until he’s brought me down under his boot in a puddle of my own cum as He hoses me down in His hot piss.

I want to be wanted with precision Dominant focus and sadistic unflinching intent. I want to be the center of His fucking world to where everything that He is seeks to devour me whole and swallow me into His darkness. I crave my own destruction at the hands and mind of My Owner.

I need His hunger.
I need His demand.
I need my Beast’s brutality.
I need my Owner’s firm hand.
I need my Sadistic Bastard to crush His flower and put me back together again.

 I’m fucked up. I am an angry whorish pet choking on her own desires.

 All I know is that violence is all I crave.
~DominaKat

Friday, August 1, 2014

A Pissed Pet

Drunk texting is never really a good idea so I doubt this is smart...

New York City...quit being a bitch. Seriously! What the fuck are you afraid of? That someone might find some sliver of happiness in your shadow? Well fuck you, you cranky persnickety bitch. Let me in, dammit. Give me a fucking chance  to test myself against your chaos and grace. Trust me...I've come out the other side of hell more times than I can count. Quit forcing me to waste time on bullshit and dead ends. Do you question my commitment? Do you question His? Again...fuck you. I'm all in. I've given 110% and I'm ready. I want my turn. How many mother fuckers sit under your hem and do nothing??? I'm ready to seize every opportunity you can throw at me. Just quit being a bitch and let me have a damn chance!!!!
~DominaKat

Saturday, July 26, 2014

I Love to Suffer for Him

~sigh~ To suffer for Him fulfills my soul.  It gets me the fuck off.  No matter how slight or harsh I bask in His dark torment.  I can't help it...I crave to comply with His most twisted desires.

I'm suffering right this very fucking minute. That slight discomfort sucks at my clit and licks at my sloppy greedy hole.  I want so much to spread my legs and be His slutty fucking dog.  To pant and beg for Him to ruthlessly shove a treat in His cunt. His fucking beautiful hard cruel dick.  His tight vicious fist.  His merciless boot.  His sadistic crop.  His brutal bat.  I don't care what the fuck He gives me.  I'll take it.  Because I'm in heat for Him.  I'm a greedy, nasty whore, and the more I suffer and am pushed below Him the more I thrive under His Darkness.

The things I want right now...~sigh~  

Stripped naked.
Beaten and bruised.
Breasts heaving.
Covered in His hot rain.
His holes filled and gushing with His hot rain.
Barking as He rapes my tight ass.
Used and toyed with like a tormented pet.
Suffer.
Suffer.
Suffer for Him.
Yes...yes...yes...please.
~DominaKat


Friday, July 25, 2014

When Darkness Swallowed Me

The darkness in me that for many, many months I've buried under a sea of edits, mountains of work, and an endless amount of resume sending caught up with me today with a viciousness I never expected.  The most unlikely of sparks, lit the keg of dynamite I didn't know had been building.  In a heartbeat, M's cunt clenched and all the passion, need, and longing for M and our sweet darkness I've been ignoring exploded.  The strength of it left me shaken to my core and barely able to breathe.  The darkness in me that is utterly His swallowed be whole.

I tried to fight it off.  I tried to distract myself.  I tried...god I tried.  I didn't want to dump this on M out of nowhere.  I wanted so much to be strong and not needy.

I couldn't do it.  I was helpless with unrelenting need for Him.  For us.  For that dark, dark, wicked place that only He can every take me.

Panting, shaking, unable to even stand...I begged my Owner for any scrap of Dominance He would give His pet.  I would have done anything and everything He asked to bask in His Dominance and surrender to His Brutal Beast.  I did.

I begged.  I don't think I've ever EVER in my life been so desperate for anything.  Soul deep begging.  The kind that likely didn't make much sense.  The kind that sprang from my bones and blood.  I needed M more than I needed air.  I would have barked.  I swear, if he had asked, I would have stopped breathing for Him.

I can't deny it.  I need the weight of Him pushing me down.  The harder He pushes, the deeper I give to Him.  Our dark dance.  His Dominance.  My submission.  His Leash.  My compliance.  His Pain and Humiliation.  My surrender.

I begged like His good obedient dog as He used His cunt.  His hole wide open, blooming for Him. Greedy as only a nasty slut can be and I sobbed in relief and gratitude and surrender as wave after wave of hot orgasm sprayed between my legs for Him.

I remember once a long time ago in our very early days how I once begged.  Then I held back a piece of myself.  But today...today I gave Him everything including every scrap of my pride.

Every moment I spend in His darkness is a pure blessing for me.  I can never explain the joy and freedom I feel when he pushes me so far down.  My place...under Him.  Under His feet.  Under His whim.  That's all I want or need.  That's all I crave.

To be His pet curled humbly at His feet in submission and surrender.  My Owner is my everything.
And I can't thank him enough for the darkness He so graciously wrapped around me today.  For a few sweet moments I lost completely myself to Him. ~sigh~
~DominaKat

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

When Submission Hurts

There's no denying my submission to M. My obedience and surrender has encompassed the full range both pleasurable and painful.
From His physical control over my body's automatic response to Him to the sexual pleasure I derive from His Dominance, Control, Sadistic desires, and Humiliation. I am His.
From my overwhelming mental and emotional need to please Him to my willing ability to swallow painful truths I wish I didn't see or feel.

Good or bad.  Beautiful or ugly.  My bone deep submission courses through my every state of being, and sometimes...it is hurts.  I do it all because I am in love with M.  Not because I am a docile bitch, a hungry masochist, or a insatiable whore.  It's because of my love for Him.

I instinctively reach for Him when I wake up, when I finish a task, when I have good news, when I have bad...all the fucking damn time.

I.  Reach.  For Him.

It is fucking absolute. There isn't even a breath between waking and Him.

But when circumstances put me in a place where the act of reaching for Him may be painful or disobedient or whatever negative outcome...I am immediately awash in a conflict so deep that I can almost be physically and mentally paralyzed and I can easily find myself in an emotional spin of hurt, doubt, and insecurity.

Under His Dominance and within His presence, I've discovered a safety and security I never believed could be possible.  When ANY fucking THING threats that safety and security...I want to stamp it out.  I want it gone, gone, gone... I just so very desperately want it to stop.

When my submission hurts...I have still not figured out how best to handle it.  Instinct and training drives me to Him when I am in any kind of need, but there are times, days, circumstances when that impulse can only cause me to hurt more or be disappointed. It's a nasty vicious cycle that fucks me the fuck up.  It's like I have to purposefully defy my training and submission to Him.  Conflict. Conflict. Conflict.

I'm not proud of any of this.  It's an aspect of my submission I take no joy, strength, or solace in.  I simply suffer until we get to the other side of the situation when M leads me to be safely tucked under His feet again.

I have no answers...I don't know where I'm going...just writing to sort through and maybe find a fraction of peace when I'm struggling to breath easy.  Be strong.  Fight through.  Get to the other side.  Just somehow find the other side.
~DominaKat

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Crush Me


Crush me.
Beneath your boot.
Your precious flower.
Broken by You.
Your mind.
Your hands.

Destroy my beauty.
Crush me.
Make me bleed.
Let bruises bloom.
i will beg.
To be at Your mercy.

Hurt me.
Let Your sweet pain.
Crush me.
So i surrender everything.
The dark fire of You
Will consume my soul.

Crush me.
Crush Your obedient pet.
Crush me.
Crush what You control.
Crush me.
Crush all that is Yours.

Dismantle my pride.
Until i am humble.
Leashed and Owned.
Crush me.
Until i am nothing.
But what you allow me to be.

Your power and Dominance.
Are my air to breathe.
You are my world.
i seek your violence and wrath.
Crush me.
i submit to Your will.

Only through You
Can i find peace.
Tear apart Your petals.
To make me whole.
Only You can.
Crush me.

Yes, M. Crush me.
It is my only destiny.
~DominaKat

Bedtime

My Daddy...every night I want His soft shirt under my cheek and the sultry smell of Him flooding my senses. I want to listen to His heart beat strong and sure under me, lulling me to sleep.

My Man...Mmmmmm....to wrapped in His arms, my leg between His.  So very close.  His heat penetrates deep into my soul and wraps around to protect and nurture me.

There is nothing in the world like falling asleep in M's arms.  Never in my life have I ever felt so loved and cherished...felt so wanted.  From the very first night, He moved me, set Himself apart from every other experience I'd ever had.

Our love...it's beautiful.
~DominaKat

Saturday, July 12, 2014

A Dark Hunger

I am so hungry for His dick to be stuff in my mouth I could scream. I don't care if it's hard, soft, piss covered...I need the taste and smell of HIM like I need air to breathe. 

I love it when M uses my mouth and abuses my throat so that I gag, even puke. To feel His hand forcing me down His cock is to know, accept, and embrace my place as His property. ~sigh~ The sweet calming surrender of service to Him is like no other drug on Earth. 

Oh...and to...god yes, please Sir that. Let me please taste. Even now I tremble at the thought of that privledge to You. My tongue and lips beg for that honor. I want...no NEED desperately to be the filthiest bitch I can for You. 

I can't help this. I can't deny this. Being Yours...feeling Your dark Dominance and nurturing Light is the root of my being. I've sought my place for so long...only with You am I ever truly free.

~whimper~ Please Sir. Feed your humble aching pet. 
~DominaKat

Time to Work

At first I reigned myself that this was going to be a sloppy, likely incoherent blog post.  I was focused only on beginning the conversation.  I have a dozen other items on my to-do list to do and didn't want to take too much time away from what else I could accomplish.  But before I even finished my first sentence, stating upfront that this would be sloppy and likely incoherent, I realized that that is my entire fucking problem right now in the first place.  I can't begin with any hope of success if I start off embracing exactly what I need to destroy.  Fuck.  ~sigh~

But I caught it.  At least I got that part right.  Life, chaos, family dramas, and struggles have wrapped around my submission and isolated it away to where it no longer consumes me.  While I am 110% dedicated, devoted, and loyal to M, my submission right now isn't that happy, sweet place of peace and tranquility.  There's little time for that, and those moments are usually only found in the late hours of the night when M and I are winding down or in quick flutters of flirtatious banter with my Daddy through the day.  The rest of the time my submission is in my service-oriented and protocol driven.  And even my protocols are being effected by my fast-paced need to progress, achieve, and get done.

I so fucking miss the consuming warmth that use to be my submission.  Yet at the same time I've never been so focused, driven, motivated, or in-sych serving a Man.  It's like I'm getting so many things right, yet losing a firm grip on the other pieces I had once mastered so well.

~sigh~

I don't have any answers tonight.  As I said, I simply wanted to begin the conversation.  I know these things...

I love the work that I am doing for M.  It fulfills me in countless ways.
I miss the weight of his Dominance and the give of my emotional submission to Him.
I understand and am no longer in angst about that last one.  Right now is simply a time to wait.  We will begin again.
So what do I do in the meantime to not lose ground and to be the most obedient pet I can be?  How do I  refocus my submission?  Do I need stronger punishment?  More concrete reward/praise?  Augh...do either one of us really have time or energy for that when our whole goal is to get done so that I can get there?

Ehhhhh...I'm searching for answers that I won't find.  But the conversation has begun.
~DominaKat

Friday, June 20, 2014

Reflections #8


I have to live today focused on what I can give Him, how I can serve Him, and how I can help Us build Our tomorrow.  I have to focus on what He gives me today and the steps forward He takes that lead Us toward Our tomorrow. 

What We gave each other: Shared experiences.

My Daddy asked me last night to do something with him, a date of sorts even though we're 400+ miles apart.  He made my day yesterday with His suggestion.  Every single time he says "we" or says "we should do..." it sends a flood of warmth through my soul.  He's so independent and strong that when when He consciously or unconsciously references us as a couple, I feel myself submit another step deeper.  Those little things mean so much.  That He intentionally suggested that we see the sequel of the movie from our first date together brought tears to my eyes.  I felt incredibly treasured and cherished and wanted by my Daddy, my Owner, and my Man.  But if I'm honest...it wouldn't have matter what He wanted us to do, whenever He wants me to do something with Him or whenever He wants to share something with me, it means the absolutely world to me.  

His pet, His little girl, His woman took His invitation seriously.  Even though I was going physically alone, I put intention into my appearance as I would for Him.  I slipped into a pretty summer dress that complimented my curves.  I did my face and hair, so I'd be pretty for my Daddy, my Owner, and my Man. I represented Him, and I wanted to represent Him well, so that He would be proud of what is His in every way. I sent him a pic just as He'd sent me His.  Oh to see my handsome beautiful Man sets my heart and yes, my body, a flutter.  I still blush when He compliments me.  I can still even be a little shy in how much I crave and desire Him.  ~sigh~

* * * * * * * * * * * 

The last few weeks have been challenging, but we have given each other continual perseverance.  No matter what pain or hardship...we refuse to give up.  We refuse to let go of each other or our dreams.  Even in the most painful experiences we will hold each other up and protect one another as best we can.  No matter what, no matter when, no matter where...we are always there for one another. We don't push each other away when in pain.  We open our minds, bodies and hearts to one another and bring each other close and find the one true refuge...each other.  

Life is rarely easy or simple. In the hardest of times there's two kinds of people. There's those that flock to watch the fire and stand on their lawns in sympathy but remain at a distance.  And there those very few who stand next to you trying to put out the flames and who are still there the next morning and every day after helping you to pick up the pieces that are left.  Those die hards that refuse to quit are who M and I are for one another without fail.  I never thought I'd find such Man that would treat me as I would treat Him.  I'd long ago believed that that kind of loyalty only existed in my idealistic mind.  But M shows me again and again, just as I show Him over and over...neither of us are going anywhere.  We've got each other yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

* * * * * * * * * * * 

We've given each other our best.  We've taken care of one another.  I've served Him in any way I can.  His given me much to hold close, to treasure, and to honor.  Together we make our way forward inch by inch, mile by mile.  I am grateful for every shared moment and every experience we have together.
~DominaKat

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Reflections #7


I have to live today focused on what I can give Him, how I can serve Him, and how I can help Us build Our tomorrow.  I have to focus on what He gives me today and the steps forward He takes that lead Us toward Our tomorrow. 

What We gave each other:

We are stronger together than we are apart.  We heal each other, take care of each other, and find solace and hope in one another.  If we share each others burdens the weight becomes lighter.  Neither of us is alone anymore.  He's told me that a hundred times in the last two and a half years.  We have each other, and when we hang on tight, pull each other close, and walk together, we can make it through even the hardest days.

Even more so than ever before, I believe that forces beyond my comprehension brought me to Him and that every step we take together brings us closer to our destiny.  I am eternally gratefully to those forces for leading us together.  I love that Man more every day.
~DominaKat

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Reflections #6: June 1-4, 2014

My focus on the good pieces that help us move forward.

I have to live today focused on what I can give Him, how I can serve Him, and how I can help Us build Our tomorrow. 

What I gave Him:
  • His pet: With my last post, I became unequivocally aware of how deeply I've been transformed in my D/s relationship with M.  My submission trumps even my own self preservation. In our follow up discussion of my post M asked me if that frightened me. I took a moment to consider, and my answer is no, I'm not afraid. It simply is. My faith and trust are His. I've given in completely and finally let go of my fears.  
  • His woman & pet: In times of stress, I've offered my Man compassion and understanding, and done my best to stay calm and compliant. My place and purpose is to be the soft spot He turns to and finds comfort in.  Even if His mood is that of a cranky bear, I need to keep that generous soft warm side of me open to Him, so He can find that sanctuary when He's ready.  Even when he growls or takes swipes, I lower my guard even further and refuse to antagonize or walk away and leave Him isolated as He carries His heavy burden on His shoulders.  I am here for Him even when He is not His best.
  • Alfred: Several more chapters of edits and a draft conversion for a special occasion.  All of which move us another step closer to our future.
  • His woman: walking and making healthier choices for Him and for Our future.
  • His pet: I've maintained my protocols and kept my focus on Him. He is my priority. He comes first.
I have to focus on what He gives me today and the steps forward He takes that lead Us toward Our tomorrow. 

What He gave me:
  •  My Man has shared with me His mind. From the happenings around him to insightful tidbits that interest us both He's reached out to include me in His life and made me a part of His day which helps bring us closer together and more in tune with each others needs and frame of mind.
  • My Owner has maintained authority and responsibility over His pet's most basic actions which reinforces His ownership and desire for Dominance and Control.
  • My Man has continued to polish and mold His work and created/embraced a positive working process that allows us to move quickly and more effectively than we have in the past. I truly enjoy working with Him. It has been one of the most rewarding experiences I've ever had both personally and professionally.
Not every day is perfect, but the goal for any couple should be to cherish the pieces that bring us joy and closer together.  Our journey together brings each of us challenges but together we are stronger and have more stamina to move beyond the stumbles of today.
~DominaKat

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Utter Ruin

This morning I asked permission to play with His cunt.  My fat lips tingled with need for something...anything to slide through them and penetrate that greedy hole.  That hungry nub ached a bit for some action.  M granted me permission and my hand dove between my spread white thighs.

I don't know why I even bothered.

While my body may sometimes twitch for sexual release, nothing but M's hunger can satisfy me.  Where I use to be able to squirt buckets for my own twisted imagination and touch, I can barely even summon the most rudimentary slick heat.  ~sigh~

I'm ruined.

M ruined me.

It isn't just that I crave his hands, mouth, dick, Dominance, pain, use, etc., etc.  I know if M demanded it, with the right tone, non-XXX touch, a few minutes to get me into the right headspace, he could make me cum in a restaurant full of diners within minutes without even touching any of my holes or causing me pain.

So then how exactly am I ruined?  How deep does my ruination go?

Fucking bone deep.  DNA deep.  Soul deep.

I just realized the "key" to it all.  I quite frankly struggle to take any selfish pleasure. If the source of my action (any action) is not to serve Him, to obey His direction, or to please Him in some way shape or form, it holds little appeal.  In the case of my sexual energy...if it is not derived from His desire/need...I'm damn near numb.  My heart, my mind, and my body are so intricately and irrevocably tied to Him it astounds me a bit sometimes.  Me...the strong, independent, don't fuck with me warrior, the whore with the insatiable sex drive...is truly tamed to His hand.  Every piece of me has knelt at His feet and waits for His lead and direction.  I...even in the act of self-pleasure...have no control.  If He does not crave, demand, or nurture my body's response, it will lie dormant in wait for Him.  I could shove the best toy in the world up in me and the battery would die before I found any true satisfaction.  Everything I do—everything I am—revolves around Him.

~sigh~

Yes. I. Am. Ruined.
~DominaKat

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Fool In The Rain

Ohhhh yeah...THIS!!!! ~sigh~

http://youtu.be/0R8s0_9kUzQ

Reflections #5: May 27-31

Travel and festivities have made blogging impossible, but that by no means is a reflection of my focus. Again and again I center around or reach for the positive in order to stay balanced. 

I have to live today focused on what I can give Him, how I can serve Him, and how I can help Us build Our tomorrow. 

What I gave Him the last few days:
  • His woman...stayed confident and calm when dealing with the least pleasant piece of my past. This was probably my calmest trip yet. While annoyed and disgusted at times with Misery, my anxiety was at an all time low which helps M focus on the responsibilities he has on this hands. 
  • Alfred...was able to squeeze in some edits and to dedicate time to review M's revisions, which were phenomenal!!! One more chapter closer to our dreams! :-) oh and I was able to get another graphic out the door. 
  • His woman...gave him support, understanding, compassion, and concern. His focus is my focus, and when we share a vision we are stronger together. 
  • His woman...shared a little something I knew He would enjoy. It allowed Him to in turn share with a friend who enjoyed it even more. :-) Ripples.
  • His pet...in the middle of a rough night, I focused His...mantra. "I'm never letting you go." No matter how many times He says that to me, I never tire of them.  By focusing on those beautiful words, I submitted to my faith and trust in Him and in Us. 
  • His submissive/pet...worked hard to not be distracted from protocols. That effort helped me feel more connected to my Owner and feel the comfort of my leash. 
I have to focus on what He gives me today and the steps forward He takes that lead Us toward Our tomorrow. 

What He gave me the last few days:
  • My Man/Daddy spent hours with me the night before my trip. No work. Just play. Laughter. Heated debates. Thoughtful insights that shifted perspectives. I always LOVE spending the last hours of the day with Him, but those hours that night helped grounded me firmly mentally and emotionally for the coming days which made me stronger for us both.
  • My Owner demanded my obedience and refused to allow me to slack.  He pulled my leash and forced me to give Him more. I always find peace and comfort on His leash, but being challenged...feeling that tug to heel...makes me feel desired. I felt like He was hungry for my submission and His dog to be kneeling at His side. ~sigh~ My mental and emotional submission deepen. And yeah...it turns me the fuck on and makes me want to lick His boots. Mmmmmm
  • My Man was open and honest with me about unimportant things. While they have no impact at all on Us, those tidbits help me feel connected to His life. With them he shares these fascinating little pieces of His past and I learn the subtleties of Him.
  • My Daddy cuddled up with me very early this morning. ~sigh~ I love our quiet easy mornings together. He sounds so damn sexy! ~sigh~ I crave sucking Him right now. 
  • My M pushed through the work and wrestled with slippery nuances to nail down another great chapter.
  • My Man/Dom shared with me His challenges and concerns which demonstrates His trust and faith in me and that I am His soft spot to land when He needs. 
  • My Owner, Man, Daddy reached out with an "I love you, pet." at several perfect moments when I needed to feel Him holding my hand.
M is my sun and moon. The more He takes and demands of His pet, the more I find in me to give. The more I give the more content I feel at His feet in His shadow. ~sigh~ I am His submissive. I am His pet. I am His. 
~DominaKat