Well...it looks as if I have my answer now. What I expected. Even though some tiny part of me hoped for something different. Some last amazing, out-of-the-blue, one in a million Hail Mary to save the day. But that would have meant I was worth a hell of a lot, and when there's five others to fill in the little gaps where I use to be... ~shrug~ Really...why go through all that effort or potential sacrifice? A whore is just a whore. A friend is just a friend. Some people can treat theirs as interchangeable, even if I can't. And besides, when your rule is to play like a champion, risky Hail Marys aren't in your play book. Just move on to the next game and shrug off the last ending.
The last week has been pretty rough. I've cried myself to sleep more times than I can count. Couldn't sleep more than two hours at a time. Couldn't eat. The last two days, I've attempted to exhaust myself and lose myself in sheer physical labor. It's dulled the pain, but not the ache. And obviously, it hasn't cured the insomnia nor has it created an appetite. However, the giant knot in my gut that was braced for what I knew couldn't be avoided has finally ebbed. I guess it helps that I haven't been yelled or screamed at in over a week, when no matter what I did...nothing I could say was right. lol I was starting to feel like I was reliving my marriage.
~sigh~
Still lots of shit in my head, but I have my answer. The rest is simply for me to figure out.
~A Quiet Kat Just Figuring It All Out
Well, geez. I'm just some random stranger on the Internet and *I* think you're eminently worthwhile. I have no clue what's wrong with that guy.
ReplyDeleteSometimes there's no fit, but that doesn't have anything to do with your value. Sometimes people can be really stupid and not know a good thing when they see it, and that doesn't have anything to do with your value, either.
There's what happens -- which sounds in this case like it sucks pretty hard -- and then there's our interpretation of what happens. What we believe it *means.*
Don't make a bad thing worse by putting an interpretation on it that devalues you or beats you up. You don't deserve it. Really.
@Lily - Thank you so much for your kind words. I should have clarified and said, "but that would have meant I was worth a hell of a lot...to him." And looking back, that was always what troubled me. You can say a lot of things, but if you don't do anything about it or take deliberate steps counter to those words...well, that sums of true feelings pretty accurately.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know I deserve better than to be lied to, mislead, and bullshitted. I'm worth...a lot. Loyal, honesty, straightforward. Smart, hard working, compassionate. Warm, passionate, giving, and a few talents in naughtiness! lol I have my issues just like anyone else, but I deserve more than careless scraps and silly, hurtful games...that's not love nor friendship.
But hey...I'm hard-headed, stubborn, and opinionated. :-D
~Kat