A Lover's Pride

I was driving a dark road tonight, trying to escape my thoughts, my frustrations, and my pain.  The headlights cut through the night.  As I followed the path in front of me, I followed the various skipping stones in my head from one truth to another, from one realization to a theory to a possibility to a dead end and backtracking to a different possibility.  What I want.  What I don't want.  What I need.  What I can do without.  Working the puzzle that is me today.  I finally found the simplicity I'd been trying to find for probably 30 of my almost 40 years.

I want a Man I can be proud of.

That's it.  So simple.  It articulated everything I felt so fucking beautifully that I was momentarily stunned when it first crossed my mind.

First, notice the "I" there.  Everyone will have their assessment of what to be proud of and what  not.  For me, this isn't about appearance or money or job status or even perfection.  This isn't about all day, every day.  We all make mistakes.  It's about the sum of that person.  His character.  Who he is, and what he's about.

This isn't about moments either.  Moments don't make character.  A long string of moments...yes, those do.

I've been in four relationships in my life.  The fleeting others that may have floated temporarily across my path made little to no dramatic impact.  Honestly, of the four, there's only one I was proud of and am still proud of.  That was a lifetime ago.  However when I realized tonight what I've been struggling to define I immediately remembered what it was like to be proud of my man.  To be proud to be standing next to him.  To be proud to be considered his.  At the same time, I want My Man to be proud of me, proud to be with me, and proud that he is mine.  In my eyes, without that mutual, core respect and admiration...there is nothing.  Looking back, this likely sums up the major conflicts I held in other relationships.

I could not be proud of a man who lies and has no honor.
I could not be proud of a man that even those closest to him consider a whore.
I could not be proud of a man who's word means nothing as tomorrow he'll change his mind.
I could not be proud of a man who fails to be responsible for his actions.
I could not be proud of a man who chooses to hide in denial rather than face truth.
I could not be proud of a man who bullies and uses fear to accomplish his goals.

I could go on, but really this is about who I want in my life tomorrow.  Going forward, the standards for me in evaluating a potential partner - a Dom, a Master, a Daddy - will simply be...can I be proud of you?  Am I proud to be yours?  Not just in this moment, but yesterday and tomorrow and the space in between?

Ask yourself as I am as well...what is the sum of you?  What type of person will be proud of you?  What type of person would be proud to be yours?
~Domina

Writing this I'm reminded of something I first ran across on MrMF773's profile.

"He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience -- or to fake -- a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer, because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut."
~Ayn Rand

You can read more of the excerpt here.

Profile link and reference posted with permission.  Thank you MrMF.