Daddy tore into me today. It wasn't a conversation. It was an immediate, short, direct, scathing dressing down to where I simply shut the fuck up and listened like I was told. Within seconds I was in tears. Not out of fear. I'm not afraid of Daddy like that. Not because I was in trouble. I quickly understood that I very well deserved to be in trouble. My tears were because my Daddy loved me so much to be THAT angry with me.
It was all my fault. I fucked up.
You see...I wasn't giving my Daddy a chance to take care of me. My stubborn, foolish ass didn't want to ask for help. I didn't want to inconvenience him. I didn't want to take from him. I didn't want to be a burden.
I only want to be his joy.
I only want to give to him.
That's how I am with those I love.
Besides my failure to communicate, his biggest concern and fury was in the potential cost to me. I had been blind to the risk to my well being. I didn't consider that the results of my bullshit could have made me vulnerable. But my Daddy did immediately. And that as much as anything made tears pour down my face.
I've rarely been the recipient of unselfish love, of soft tenderness, of gentle nurturing. It leaves me humbled and choked up. I don't know what to do with it all. It breaks me in ways nothing else can. In the wake of those beautiful, breathtaking emotions that he wraps around me so firmly, I'm raw and exposed and simply utterly fucking helpless.
M is patiently and persistently helping me to grow exponentially as both a submissive and a woman. I'm 40 years old, but in so many ways I'm a blank canvas that has been locked inside of a dark, abandon closet for a very, very long time. The sweet aching feelings he fosters in me bring me to my knees. I don't know how to express or demonstrate my flood of love, gratitude, appreciation, and submission.
I try so hard to be the best I can be for him. He deserves that. However when I stumble, it seems to be on the most obvious of hazards like I did today. My foolishness. My stubbornness. I'm sadly too use to going without or being hurt that I've forgotten what it's like to not be alone. I don't know how to lean on M when I'm weak, because I've always had to try my best to be strong and fight my way through. But I need to learn how. He's there. Right next to me. Where he chooses to be. Where he wants to be. I can't expect him to let me take care of him if I won't let him do the same. (Maybe if I get better at this, he'll eat more fruits and vegetables??? lol Yes...I know I'm reaching there.)
Even though I'm extraordinarily vulnerable with Daddy, He makes me feel brave. With my hand in His, I'm free to be ALL of the pieces of me...the soft woman, the sassy Warrior, the helpless little girl, the loyal pet, the trashy slut/whore, the obedient doll. But most of all... I'm free to care. I'm free to believe. I'm free to love and hope and be cute and adorable. I'm free to make occasional mistakes, because He'll be there to chew me out and spank my ass as I deserve, and then oh so sweetly wrap me in his arms, wipe away my tears, and kiss my bruises like I've always craved. My lesson today is that I also have to be brave and freely without hesitation ask to lean on him when I need too. ~sigh~ That will be hard, but I will do my best.
I love my Daddy, M, my Beast. He's given me so much and built a safe place for me to give as well. I dance in his light and bask in his dark. I am His. To use as he sees fit as well as nurture and care for as he desires. I no longer have a choice. I simply need to shut the fuck up and accept.
~DominaKat
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