Time to Fix Me

I fucked up.  The smallest of things.  It was easy.  I was happy and even excited to do it.  Yet I made a fucking mess of it entirely.  When the light bulb finally blazed through my murky Spock mind, all the joy and happiness I had blissfully ridden the day away on was immediately sucked into a churning mess of internal remorse and disgust.  No, it wasn't intentional.  Quite frankly, I'm simply an idiot.  I looked at things from a prism of efficient completions, rather than making his task my first priority.

Why?  Why was that so fucking hard for me?  If he'd asked me to wash the truck, marinate some rib-eyes, or pick up the latest book he wanted to read, those would have all been done first thing.  All those pieces would have effortlessly sunk into my analytical head.  But my task was centered on his completely non-sexual need for me, and that's how I fucked it all up.  It's not the priority of him I don't understand.  No...it's MY importance to him that I'm having a horrible fucking time accepting.

I'm not use to being wanted.  Oh..,there are plenty that wouldn't mind - in fact would probably love - the chance to fuck me.  But they don't want Me.  ALL of me.  I'm used to coming in last behind a long list of others.  I spent years only being seen as a warm body to fill a role, where any part of Me was only targeted for destruction and burial.  But I'm fucking sick and tired of living today trapped in patterns and protective guards from yesterday.  I want to somehow undo all the fucking bullshit.  I've spent 10 damn years trying to recover, and still it seems as if I so much further to go.  Fuck, please let this be the home stretch....

It's unacceptable for me to however unintentionally disrespect and not appreciate the value he sees in me.  Not just my fat tits or my cunt or my ass or my need to submit.  He values the great, big messy package that is me.  I'm not use to tenderness. I'm not use to love.  I'm not use to being a priority.  I'm not use to having a safe place for all that is in me...the good, the bad, the amazing, and the tragic.  But that doesn't excuse me pushing all of those things away or not doing every damn thing I can to honor those rare, precious, beautiful gifts he so generously heaps on me.  I'm a fool not to have already recognized that, and I hate myself for not believing how important I am to him.

I HAVE to stop doubting that he values me.
I HAVE to stop doubting that I'm good for him.
I HAVE to stop doubting his need for me.

I know what I deserve.  It's right in front of me, but I have to believe it's real.  That he won't change his mind.  That he's not making a mistake.  That I could actually have it.

I won't apologize.  It's simply not fucking enough.  What I HAVE to do is fix this in me, so that it doesn't shatter all the wonderful things I'm only now starting to taste for the first time in my life.
~K.

Tonight's Theme Music for Myself...