A Lesson in Submission: To Accept

I'm horrible at taking.  ANYTHING.  Okay...except pleasure and pain.  For whatever reason, I can gratefully welcome and accept all of that deliciousness.  I'm talking about kindness and love.  I can give until I bleed to those in my inner most circle.  But to receive it?  Well?  Easily?  Without hesitation?  Without...questioning?  Yeah...anyone who knows me, knows that receiving anything is one of my greatest challenges.

I don't know when.  I don't know why.  I wasn't always like this.  Though I was never a taker.  But this is how I've been for a long time.  It was to the point where even the most sincere compliment was difficult for me to accept.  I'd do anything I could to explain why it was undeserved or unnecessary.  Over the past couple of years, the few that have gotten their way in giving to me have opted to pretty much run right over me and not allow me any choice in the matter.  Whatever act of kindness or love was already in motion or even done by the time I realized what was happening.  I fought, but the decision was completely out of my hands.  There was nothing for me to do except shut up, say thank you, and do everything I could to honor their gift.

That shit didn't fly with M.  Not at all.

It wasn't long before he took me to task.  I believe it was his first very direct compliment to me.  I did what I usually did, trying to sidestep, but I was instantly and UNQUESTIONABLY met with an absolute, immovable brick wall.  That was probably the first time he "dommed me" as they say.  I don't even remember the compliment.  All I remember is freezing dead in my tracks and blinking in total confusion.  Huh?  He pretty much asked if I questioned his intelligence, his good taste, his opinion...  I felt like a fish out of water choking on air.  Within moments he clearly made his disappointment and annoyance with me known.  He was right.  I'd insulted Him.  I felt the shame of that through my entire being.  I breathlessly and quietly apologized and said thank you.  M simply replied with, "Your welcome."  No more.  He'd made his point.  After a thoughtful silent pause where he let what just happen sink into me nice and deep, he easily moved the conversation and us along to other things.  My mind continued to vibrate from that experience for several days.

Since then, there have been a number of other moments when I've struggled to receive and accept all that he so graciously gives me.  I've been working on it.  M is working on me, with me, for me.  Damn, he's a patient Man.  I'd like to think I have been getting a little better at this piece, but I know I still struggle.  Then last night I ran across a thread of slaves discussing this same issue and their own discomfort to accept their Master's love and affection.  Their honest and intelligent debate gave me much insight into myself.  This morning I was able to take different pieces they shared, the ones that resonated so well with me and find the bigger lesson I needed to see.

Lesson:  To accept His kindness and love without hesitation is a lesson in the ultimate surrender and obedience to His will.  

While there are still underlying issues I must resolve in myself in order to make that statement a natural part of who I am, that one sentences gives me a clear path.  M wants me, values me, and it is His absolute right to cherish me however He chooses.  ~sigh~  I am such a very lucky woman.
~K.

Acknowledgements:  Many thanks to slave_rachel and the other contributors for their insightful discussion.