Undomesticated

In a conversation recently with a friend, I was reminded of my undomesticated tendencies.  A lover once described me as this...

"You're not domesticated.  If I opened the door, let you out, and drove away, you wouldn't be there waiting on the steps when I got back."

My response..."Nope.  I wouldn't."  That fool learned just how right he was.  lol

I am not a silly domestic house cat.  I don't need pampered.  I'm not helpless to the world and desperate for someone to take care of me.  I won't die on my own.  And I damn sure will not hang around and pine away endlessly when I'm no longer sheltered in safety or when I'm ignored or abandoned.  Fuck that.

I'm a lioness.

I am strong.  I am intelligent.  I am fierce.  I have a will to fight and survive through whatever life tosses at me.  My untamed soul has never and will never give up and die on some fool's porch as he carelessly leaves me to starve and brave the elements.  Some women will wait for scraps.  I've never been one of them.

I am not leashed easily.  In fact only one Man has ever dared claim me as His pet and trained me to His hand.  No one else ever had the strength, patience, or wisdom to ease my instinct to fight and to nurture my trust so deeply that I willingly stretch out in bliss and show Him my vulnerable belly.  I will purr at His touch.  I will submit to His desires.  However He never forgets that it is a lioness at the end of His leash.  His respect and honor for my strength, loyalty, and submission is what keeps our D/s dynamic in balance.

In turn...I sheath my claws and curl contently at His feet.
~DominaKat

A Year Ago

That cool rain.
The City.
Its bustling pulse.
I felt the first stir of life in me again.

The evening light faded quickly.
To that misty Thursday night.
As the big yellow cab.
Drove me to my destiny.

A Year Ago.

My heartbeat quickened.
A smile broke across my eager face.
"There." with a quick pull to the curb.
Fare tossed, bag grasped, and the door broke open.

Him.
He reached for me instantly.
Before I had even found my balance.
He firmly claimed His first taste.

A Year Ago.

His hands framed my jaw.
His lips commanded mine.
His heat surrounded me.
I simply gave to Him.

Our tongues danced.
Hot and wet.
His arms tight around me.
As He drank deep from my soul.

A Year Ago.

Him...
Him...
Finally, yes...
Him.

Our sweet breathless light.
Mingled with the heady spice.
Of our wicked darkness.
As we slowly blended our flavors.

A Year Ago.

That first glimpse
As we embraced our fate.
Our first touch.
As a Beast took hold of His sweet pet.

An overwhelming relief so strong.
Washed through us.
As He first kissed.
What would soon be His property.

A Year Ago.

Together at last.
Fires reignited.
The ones we'd both long considered.
Forever banked.

I clung to His strength.
He claimed my softness.
I bent to His dominance.
He fed from my submission.

A Year Ago.

Between us in that first kiss.
Fresh hope lit brightly.
Possibilities roared to existence.
Dark passion burned hot and vicious.

And Love...
Love...
Oh yes...
Love breathed to life.

Between us.

A Year Ago.
~DominaKat

Artistry

Laying on my back.
Full breasts trembling.
Thick, pale thighs spread.

Lush cunt lips glisten.
A perfect frame.
To that dark pink dripping slit.

Yours.

Only you can give me.
What I so desperately crave.
What I have always craved.

A deep unbreakable love.
Protected and nurtured.

An absolute passion.
That claims without hesitation.

An all consuming pleasure.
That devours my body, mind, and soul.

A pure fierce cruelty.
That devours my complete submission.

Take.
Seize.
Crush.

I am yours to destroy.
I am yours to create.
The blank canvas you've longed to own.

Engulf me in your white hot flame.
I surrender to your non-existent mercy.
My tears splatter the canvas.

Stain me further with your harsh strokes.
Only under your brutal hands will I crumble.
Hear my cries echo in your soul.

Let us burn in the dark fire of beasts.
Entwined in madness.
Ruined and magnificent as One.

For nowhere else.
Except in each other.
Will we find such utter peace.
~DominaKat

Caged

I lay here.
Caged.

My body's sweet hot juice.
Fills the wanton womb.
Painful pressure pushes for release.
Built up against an empty dam.

The reward of surrender trapped.
Caged.

Mind too sluggish to focus.
No clear path to follow in this haze.
Emotions stumble on the rocky trail.
Lost in the murky grey mist.

Somewhere between the light and dark.
Caged.

The slut slumbers in her chains.
Dreaming of vague wickedness and sin.
The whore mindlessly withers against the bars.
As she aches to be wanted, used, abused.

A victim that simply waits for her Beast.
Caged.

The silence deafening.
The cool slows the blood.
Where is the fire and merciful heat?
To burn through the dam and flame the dormant passion.

Where is the key to freedom from...
This cage?
~DominaKat

No Pass for Emotionally Abusive Women

~A Rant~

Why the FUCK does everyone feel sorry for an emotionally abusive woman?  I've seen this phenomena over and over again the last couple of years in multiple relationships with different partners both vanilla and kink dynamics.  And quite honestly I'm sick and disgusted by it.  It's even WORSE when it's a white woman with a Black Man and innocently plays the race card as a stark contrast that she's so helpless.  She can do whatever she wants, however she wants, say whatever she wants to Him or against Him...and it's met with awwww...isn't that cute or ohhhh...poor baby.  YET...if the table was reversed and the Man did the exact same thing...He would be labeled an evil moster.

Well guess what you stupid, deceitful, manipulative bitches...YOU are just as evil and just as much monsters as the guys that prey on women's weakness and do everything they can to destroy a woman's mental and emotional strength.  Hell...maybe you're even more evil because you're a demon in sheep's clothing.  But guess what?  You don't get a fucking pass from me.  You won't get my sympathy.  You won't get my compassion.

How hard is this concept to grasp?!?  It is NOT okay to emotional abuse your partner!  Whether it is a man or a woman.  Just because He is a Man and society views Him as stronger, doesn't mean He deserves to be treated like shit and tormented for your entertainment or because of your poor self-esteem or inner pain.  GET FUCKING HELP!!!!  Sweetly crying and saying I don't mean to be like that doesn't mean shit to me.  Why?  Because you'll do it again and again and again.  Because you take every opportunity to gain sympathy for your "plight" rather than accept responsibility and take accountability.

"My past..." "My past..."  Shut the fuck up.  We all have pasts.  We've all been hurt.  Men and woman.  Would a Man get a pass if He treated a good woman like shit because the last one was...I dunno...like YOU?!?  I have a past.  I've been hurt.  And guess the fuck what...LOVING a someone NEVER means you do everything in your power to destroy them mentally and emotionally.  If a Man hurt you physically, you'd be the first to dial 9-1-1 in a heartbeat.  But it's completely acceptable for you to viciously and intentionally beat on a Man with words?!?  REALLY?!?  Do you do that to your kids?  Do you do that to your parents?  Do you do that to your friends???  Would you take a knife to Him and stab Him?  No?  Why not?  It's the same fucking thing!

Our Men should be LOVED.  HONORED.  CHERISHED.  They are not our emotional, mental, and verbal PUNCHING BAGS!!!!!!!!!!

For the male victims of this kind of abuse...GET HELP!  This is NOT how love should be!  Not even in the D/s world.

Errrrrrrr....
~DominaKat

Rules Broken

M and I both left another set of rules behind today.  Huh.  That transformation thing again.  lol

There was no drama.  No angst.  Maybe a little individual discomfort, but for the most part, it just made sense and seemed natural.  That's what made me pause and consider tonight.

For the right One at the right time...rules are broken.  One after another after another.  Each one seemingly easier than that last.  The boundaries and restrictions that we wrapped around ourselves in a protective cocoon to keep everything orderly and potential chaos at bay start to feel clumsy and unnecessary.  Instead of shielding us, they begin to strangle the potential we have as individuals and as a couple.  With honesty, trust, and yeah...faith and hope, we let go.  Of the habits that hold us back.  Of the pieces of fear we drag behind us.  So that we can find all we possibly can in Our tomorrow.

I don't know if when M first mentioned transformation to me that He expected all of this.  I know I didn't.  At the time, I was still rediscovering basic hope again.  I was still focused in the moment, not thinking much of tomorrows.  He knew even then, that I'd never be the same again.  I wonder if He expected to change as part of journey as well.

I think back on the woman I was 10 years ago.  How hard I fought to find me again.  How much courage I'd found once I let my warrior free to be strong.  How sure I was that I'd never find another Man who could touch my soul.  How very alone I was.

Despite 40 years of practice, I am still discovering all I am capable of and all I could be.  The rules I put in place long ago, have been tossed aside because I chose the risky path of love and growth.  The thrill is heady.  The growing pains sometimes brutal.  But every time I stop and look around, I find myself better than I was.  I couldn't have gotten this far without M in my life over the last year.  His patience, his intelligence, his strength have all open doors for me that I thought were long shuttered.

But I suppose that is the power of love and trust.  Together those two rare and precious gems can accomplish tremendous things.  Even get me to break my rules.  :-)
~DominaKat

Don't Ruin Christmas

M very much likes to keep me guessing when it comes to the delicious fun He has in store for me.  For a girl that thrives off asking questions, these two things can sometimes run counter to one another.   Last weekend, they did, and my questions came to a complete and abrupt stop when M finally just asked me, "Why are you trying to ruin Christmas?"

Last summer as M and I continued to grow our blooming relationship, I was a teeny bit frustrated one day that He wouldn't really go into details about some upcoming kinkalicious fun.  Of course, I had been on a running streak of questions, as I attempted to understand and learn more about my amazing and deep Dom.  I hungered to know Him not just on the surface but deep.  I wanted to please Him. I wanted to serve as best I could.  However, he had other objectives....  He finally explained to me that because I was essentially untouched by any other Dom - His blank canvas - that I was like Christmas, and every little thing He chose to do with me was like a beautifully wrapped present under the tree.  He wanted us to unwrap each gift slowly so that He could relish every first moment with me.

Damn...I was rendered speechless and nearly brought to tears.  No Man had ever cherished moments like that with me in real time.  No Man had ever looked forward to sharing so much with me.  Few thought beyond the moment to look ahead and value what we would share together.  That conversation, like so many others, has stuck with me.

So back to last night...after I'd asked a kink related question, and M responded with asking why I was trying to ruin Christmas, I felt like a bucket of cold water had just been dropped on my head.  I was so incredibly sad and even a bit hurt.  In my entire life, I've never sought out my gifts.  I was always such a good girl and simply waited patiently for when it was time.  The thought never even occurred to me to go looking.

But here I was...trying to ruin Our Christmas.

I was ashamed.  So very, very ashamed.

My foolish attempts to learn more and to be better for Him were actually taking away from Him.  I caught my breath, I politely apologized, and since that moment I've turned inside to help sort through my confusion and better understand my submission.  As I worked outside in the yard all day, I went through various ups and downs while I went through the tangle in my head to figure out where I've gone wrong.

Part of it is that I'm trying to anticipate His wishes and needs to much.  Things happen because He wants them to happen, when He wants them to happen.  I get that completely.  He leads.  I follow.  His pace.  His direction.  His path.  No matter how much I want to please and serve Him, I simply have to wait for His command and then obey.

You'd think this wouldn't be that hard.

If I was lazy.  It wouldn't be.

And...If I trusted and believed 100% in myself, it probably wouldn't be that hard.

My struggle is that in me is a compelling desire to see a ways up ahead in the journey.  And it's truly very selfish of me.  This desire is born from a number of very negative things that I HAVE to root out of me.

I'm afraid to dream or imagine or hope.  I use to do those things a long time ago, but I stopped because every time it was all for nothing.  But M gave me hope again...I care about tomorrow because I want tomorrow with Him.  But I'm afraid to imagine it all on my own.  I selfishly need Him to hold my hand and show me tomorrow in His eyes, so that I don't feel so alone in dreaming.  What I need to do is simply trust today that He'll be there tomorrow.

I'm afraid to fuck up and of not being good enough.  If I know what the path looks like I'll do whatever possible, so I don't stumble or fall or crash needlessly into M.  I want M to be proud of me.  I want His approval.  M told once fairly recently that one of the things He appreciates most in me is how hard I try.

But now I'm trying too hard.  The truth is - the one piece of logic I have to keep at the front of my
Spock brain - is that no matter what I do, no matter how good I am, if M decides He doesn't want me or doesn't love me anymore it won't matter how good I am.  And even if I do fuck up, if M decides He wants me, loves me, craves me in His life...me stumbling in our journey won't be anything we can't overcome.

So I need to relax.  I need to step back and stop trying so selfishly to calm my worries by asking soooo many questions that don't make a difference in the end because I know I'll enjoy every moment with Him.

I want M to enjoy Our Christmas.

And because I adore that beautiful smile on His face and that rich laugh of His...because I love Him...I'll do my best to enjoy the anticipation.  I KNOW I'll enjoy the presents!!!  ;-P
~DominaKat