I write. That is a part of me just as the color of my eyes. In the last few days, I've dropped the veil to reveal more than my sexual dark fantasies and thoughts. I've shed light on my life and my pain. I've uncovered pieces of myself few have ever seen. Tonight, I've chosen to continue this path. After all, what does it really matter. 99.9% of you will never see, hear, smell, taste or touch me. I am simply whatever woman on the other side of the screen you imagine me to be. ~shrug~ I can no longer find it in me to care what you may or may not see in me. That is truly reserved for the ones closest and dearest to me.
As anyone does when getting to know someone, they share pieces of themselves. I'm beginning to wonder why I even try. Too often, my words go unheard, unbelieved, or carelessly shrugged off in indifference. Then when that person sees whatever it is that I previously described, they act shocked, amazed, or confused. My response is just about always the same, "Ummmm...I told you."
Recently, semi-publicly (Fet/blog) I went cold. Cold is the only term I've ever come up with to describe that emotional and mental state. No, I'm not - nor have I ever claimed to be - the coldest bitch in the world. However, people that know my heat and passion struggle to imagine me like this when I've tried to explain the potential. But it is there.
The ability to go cold did not always exist in me. No. Not at all. However, my ex-husband trained me extraordinarily well. Ten years of routine emotional abuse and a couple instances of physical abuse trained me proficiently on how to go cold. To shut down and no longer receive or absorb the emotional onslaught of pain coming toward me. However, in the time since my flight from hell, I have (on my own and with several skilled and patient teachers) managed to make some technical adjustments to my training.
The difference between then and now is that I will never again be on my knees mentally and emotionally out of fear and the belief that I am nothing. In my marriage following whatever transgression I had made, he would spend approximately an average of four hours berating me for every possible worthless behavior or failure as a wife, mother, and human being he could image. He tore me down in any and all ways he could. It was during these session I mastered my ability to go cold. To feel absolutely nothing. To protect myself as best I could from the excruciating pain and heartache. I would sit for hours unmoving, my eyes unfocused, losing myself in nothingness. I would push the pieces of myself further and further away and apart from one another. Each would get smaller and smaller until they quite simply ceased to exist in that moment.
I was nothing.
Everything inside me was simply gone. Dead. I was nothing but a plain, twenty-something year old female shell sitting quietly with tears streaming down her freckled cheeks as her husband screamed and yelled to the point where spittle would land on her cheek. (You could say this fucked me up for a good, long time. But that tangent isn't something I'm covering in this post.)
One of the side effects of this tactic that I was unaware of at the time was that some of those pieces I pushed far, far away to protect would get lost somewhere. Slowly but surely over those 10 years, I lost more and more and more of myself. So many pieces were lost, and some of them I still haven't to this day found. Though I have managed to get a majority of them back in some way, shape, or form. But all that took a long fucking time.
Jump ahead to present day.
First I should say that I make every effort I possibly can to avoid this state, especially with those I care about. I'll back up. I'll try to walk away. I'll give more than one chance. The normal, everyday woman that I am doesn't want to go cold and exist in that numb hazy. I hate emotional pain. I've had my share, and I really do want to avoid any additional gargantuan lumps of it. I realize pain is a part of living, but the big, ugly drama-like chaos...I try not to let that nasty shit get too close to me. I also try so hard to avoid it because I have an inkling as to what I'm capable of, how cold I could get, and how that really would be a very fucked up place for me to get stuck in. No...I don't want to go there. I don't like it there. But I will if forced to.
When I'm emotionally pushed and pushed to my breaking point and when whatever it is in me that finally snaps, I don't shove the pieces of me away like I did in my marriage. Instead I bare down. Hard. Fast. In a split second, I lock up all of the pieces that begin to tremble and threaten to explode into oblivion behind cold, seamless steel - protected and sheltered until I'm safe and can let myself begin to tear down my guards again. My emotions are trapped inside that safe, secure place for another time and another place. When the pain gets too much, I lock it away so that I no longer hurt and no longer feel it's blinding bite.
And when necessary I fucking fight back. I will never again sit and take, take, take. I will not be silent out of fear and weakness. I will not simply be a victim to another's assault of emotional blows. I will stand up for myself. I will protect myself. And I will strike back harder than I've been hit. Because the one thing I've learned over and over again in life is that if there's no consequences, people just seem to do it all over again. No...it's not pretty at all. But I don't start shit. I don't. And when politeness and patience gets run over and taken advantage of too many damn times, then I can't find it in me to care very much about anyone else's state. ~sigh~ I'm not looking to destroy anyone. I'm not. I just don't want to hurt again.
Maybe I should feel bad that I'm like this, but I don't. Because I know there is balance. The loyalty and love I am capable of sharing, giving, and offering is beautiful and true. If you can honor our friendship/relationship with honesty, compassion, and love, I promise you...I will return it all exponentially. Now...if who I am and how I am capable of being when I'm backed into a corner is not something you can cope with, then I completely understand if you would prefer we go our separate ways. I know there are difficult pieces of me that can be too much for some to handle. I get that. I guess that's why I try to warn people ahead of time. So please, just be a little bit careful with me. Just a little?
~A Lioness Guarding Her Soul
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