Standing. Sitting. Kneeling. At His feet. Standing again. Swaying. At His Feet. I've been all over the place the last couple of weeks. My need for Him. My responsibilities. My strength rising to fight and protect. ~sigh~ My submission has nonetheless been a struggle to maintain, to feel, and to embrace.
Each day brings M and I closer, which settles a HUGE piece of me. My mind is clearer. My heart is lighter. My body no longer tense with anxiety. Yet...I'm not where I'm used to being right before I see Him. I sought why tonight, and quickly tossed out the little things. No...it's not those. It's this big step.
M - my Daddy - is coming here.
I will open my door to someone new for the first time in over six years. During this period, I've culled my life of time wasters and weak acquaintances, choosing instead to hold my most tender pieces close and private away from prying eyes. Here is what I nurture most and what I cherish. Within my beautiful small sanctuary I've finally healed some of my deepest wounds.
This weekend I will have a Man I love and trust in my bed and my home for the first time in 20 years. "Really?" you ask? For the first 10 years of my adult life, very little was mine. There was simply the home I shared with the guy I was married to at the time. My presence on my surroundings were negligent. None of it was ever mine. Nor did I ever truly love or even trust the person I slept beside at night. After the divorce...I focused on my career and parenting. There was no one in my life, and then...those six years of healing I mentioned.
lol Yes. I know. I'm not your average person. However, this little corner of the world is me. Most can't relate at all to the thick walls I built around me. It seems completely foreign. ~shrug~ Oh well...you live your life. I live mine.
My inner most sanctuary is an honor few gain. I am not careless with who I let in my home. I've never played silly house fantasies with boys, "Oh let me cook for you!" bullshit. I've never treated my home like a brothel for fucks, a bar for fools, or a casual hangout for random users. No. My home is just that. My home. For better or worse, it is the only place where I lower my guard completely.
Tonight I realized why my submission is quietly waiting in the wings right now. I can't open the door to my life on my knees. Not in this. I have to own it. All of me. Kat. This isn't his babygirl curling up on Daddy's lap or his pet begging at His feet or the whore surrendering to His will. I will no doubt do all of those things in my home with Him. However the first step has to be Kat - everything that I am - choosing to let in the Man who holds my heart. When I welcome M to my home, I'll look him in the eye and know he truly sees me.
I must stand tall and proud of what I've held on to, of what I've been given, and of what I've built. That will not be in defiance, but in honor all that He has done. He's earned this privilege because of His character, His loyalty, and His strength. He has taught me how to love again and how to hope. I am not a helpless lamb seeking comfort and protection, but a strong lioness sharing her lair and her hunt.