Tuesday, November 5, 2013

To Hold Sacred

I've always been passionate and held some deep convictions.  However, I've never held much, if anything, sacred.  I'm too practical, too realistic, and well...a bit cynical.  I never felt connected enough to anyone or anything to inspire that kind of devotion, belief, and faith.  That emotional and mental concept was simply lost on me.

But in February 2012, I met M.  Two months and hours of texts, emails, and conversations later, I was in His arms and His.  What followed has been the most enlightening, heart-stopping, and challenging relationship of my life.  He has truly transformed me so fundamentally that anyone who sees or speaks to me can instantly sense the change.  From the beginning, I knew He and our relationship would transform me.  What I didn't understand was that my transformation would ever be ongoing.

I'm no saint. In fact, I fuck up often.  I have had challenges and struggles and doubts and fears and hard difficult lessons to learn through trial and error just like every other sub, woman, or human being on this planet.  My intelligence and drive to understand at times makes me a challenge most can not even dare to attempt.  I've made my mistakes.  I've hurt myself.  I've even to my greatest sadness hurt M.  I've had moments of brattiness, topping from below, and complete ignorance.  However my two sole focuses - to give/please/serve Him and to build us - have never wavered nor has my intention.  Those have always been and will be pure.  I love that Man.

I've had to face some tough reality the last month and make choices that I never expected to make less than two years ago.  But when I looked closely at my options, I found that without question, my relationship with M was sacred.  I would do whatever it took to protect and nurture what we share.  I would find the strength and courage to be the best me I could be for Him.

I saw truths I didn't want to see and have begun to make my way beyond their crippling traps.

I bravely faced a past that haunted me deeply and the fears associated with those events head on.  I found the courage to seek understanding.  I found the strength to forgive and let go.

I accepted that life's journey is not easy or fair or mapped out clearly but what will lead me to the greatest rewards is what I hold sacred. If I embrace my love, devotion, and faith in M, in His love for me, and in our belief in us, then I will find my way.  If we both embrace those rare  treasures between us, WE will find our way.  I never want to look back again and say if only I had....  I don't want someday to face my mortality and realize all I ever did was play it safe and gained nothing.

I wish it was fucking easy every minute of the day.  But it's not.  Life, relationships, growth...they are at times the most difficult, demanding, and earth-shatteringly rewarding things we can aspire to undertake.  For M, I will fight any battle life throws at us, I will get up off the mat again and again and again for us, and I will swallow every bit of pride necessary to grow.  Because in the end, Him and what we could be is what I - Ms. Ever-Practical-Cynical-Realist - hold truly, deeply, purely sacred.

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