Octobers are usually a bit insane for me. The number of life changing moments attributed to this month is beyond coincidence. February is the other one. ~sigh~ Yes...I am nervous, but there really isn't much to do except wait for it. Because of that and a number of other reasons, I'm reflecting this evening.
I look back just a year ago...harsh, harsh lessons. I remember the pain. I remember the reality. I was forced to realized that my partner at the time would never choose to nurture or cherish me. I was too far away, too smart, too aggressive, too dominant, too whatever for tenderness. Consideration and kindness weren't on His agenda. I was simply a great fuck. "I want to fuck you for the rest of my life. I never want to stop." Those were his words as I watched him from the bed, knowing in my heart and mind that those were the last days I'd ever see him. He'd stated what he wanted, demonstrated his self-interest, and I was unwilling to tolerate either.
While I no longer hate him for his games, those lessons can never be unlearned. It wasn't until the fiasco of our tumultuous relationship that I truly understood how many guys in my life had just enjoyed how I fucked them and never inconvenienced themselves out of any genuine love for me. Few have loved me. Most...just loved to fuck me.
I am and have always been a very sexual creature. Sexuality is a fundamental aspect of my core. Because of that, there is a part of me that does seek to be the best fuck a man has ever experienced. I absolutely want to be craved by my partner. Yet...only being valued for how I spread my legs tends to leave me hallow and cold. In the kinky land of BDSM, that inner conflict has been and sometimes still is extremely difficult for me to reconcile at times.
I am an insatiable whore, yet I want to be valued and appreciated for all of me. I can soak a bed with cum for an apt lover. I can suck a dick very well for hours. I can take pain and love it rough. I like things freaky and crave an outstanding mindfuck. lol However, there is much, much more to me. I am smart. I am occasionally silly. I am fiercely loyal. I can be soft and tender. I can be incredibly strong. I may want to fuck dirty and nasty to exhaustion, yet deep in my soul I want to grow old with someone I love true and who loves me true...someone who will still hold my hand when we're 65 and whose eyes will still light up in that special way only for me.
A year ago, I paused in my journey, finally understanding what I didn't want. I knew that with the right Man, BDSM and kink were where I would finally discover contentment and quench the hunger I have always kept chained and buried inside me. However, just a kinky dick was never going to do it. While I could flirt and banter with most, I would never find what I searched for handing playtime out like candy. Regardless of my sex drive, I would never find peace as a surface player. Only cold, hollow emptiness. I needed and deserved more. I craved depth and intimacy and a strong connection that would bind us together not simply physically but mentally and emotionally.
So I changed the direction of my journey and have been rewarded a thousand times over. I waited to find a Man who would see all of Me AND have the strength, knowledge, and experience to tame me. Comments, flirting, compliments, and requests to crawl between my legs could evaporate immediately and it would not phase me. It is only within the comfort, security, trust, and respect of my relationship with M that I'm truly learning just how great a fuck I can be and I how great ALL of me truly is.