Nope...this post isn't kinky or perverted or even really much fun actually. In fact maybe it's downright morose I suppose. And while it is a complete deviation from the narrow, nasty delicious focus this blog of mine has, it still feels right for me to nudge a place for these thoughts here. The subject lives in the space between the dark side of my soul and the light, and this is my journey through the dark. Contemplating the end of that journey seems fitting.
What would it be like? That final goodbye. When my soul no longer fills this body and moves on to the unescapable next phase. When my unendingly curious mind finally asks no more questions and instead rests in absolute silence. When the emotions that fill me to bursting breathe one last breath to the ones I love beyond measure. What would I want it to be like?
It all started with a vanilla-esque Fet thread in the Music group. "Ever thought about your own funeral and what it would be like? I did and immediately prepared a tape with three songs, which should be played..." The OP went on to list their songs and asked what others would choose. I answered, but the thought persisted. This post is me unable to resist tugging on the threads that began to unravel once my mind got to going...
The funeral is not meant for me but for those left behind, so I'd want that last bit of form to honor them and what they have meant to me. Just as in real life, I have no desire for a fan club or hangers on. I'd want it to be an extremely intimate affair with only those closest to me. Private and a tad selfish to the last, really. In truth, if I were to die tomorrow there are only a very special few who I would want invited. The last Man I gave my heart, M, who taught me how to love again and let me give everyone closest to me more than I had before. My very, very Best Friend who has been my Hero since the day we met and whose faith and belief in me has never failed. My absolutely amazing mother and the Man who has loved Her so very well. My beautiful children who my heart has filled and broken for again and again over the course of their lives. Chica, whose friendship has given me so much. My sister (leave your husband and kids at home lol No really...leave them there.) who can't make sense of my life or choices. My cousin who is like a sister to me.
Yes, I know there are others who would mourn my passing. For the distant family and friendly acquaintances that care but don't really know me...stay home and take an extra moment to be with those that mean the most to you now because time is fucking precious. For the many, many others who are no longer in my life for a reason but would want to pay their final respects and honor the memories they once shared with me...honestly, a final "fuck you" to you and hat tip. lol You presence isn't necessary at all. My final goodbye will not be for you. Our goodbyes are what they were since you had nothing else to say. How things were left are how they were left. Live with it. I did. Neither I nor those who truly loved me need your careless sorrow or fake condolences.
You see...I live my life every day being honest and straight forward with those around me. I give my all in those moments. I give my heart. I give my soul. I give everything I had to give. If that isn't/wasn't enough - if you couldn't appreciate it in the moment - so be it. You don't deserve a last chance to make things right for your own conscious, especially not in front of those who did love and cherish me without regret.
I'd want a short ceremony. In the woods on a beautiful sunny day with the hawks flying above. I'd want a hot, big fire in my honor. Play Sting's Little Wing as everyone helps to light it like they did my life. Feed it. Keep it bright, not to be banked until dawn, so my spirit could dance and laugh one last time with the flames in abandon under the stars and between the trees. I'd want the words spoken by whoever seems appropriate to be comforting to those I love so much with less emphasis on religion and more on the beauty and energy of life. Let go of the tears as Brian Culbertson's "Our Love" weaves it's way through air and towards the end when the music really picks up and the string come in...hear my laughter and joy at every wonderful thing we've ever shared.
Unless someone felt they wanted some of my ashes...pour a lil bit in a locket or something...Plant one of those gorgeous shady trees in the woods that bloom a vibrant vivid purple every spring and bury part of my ashes with the roots. Listen to Phil Collins' "Find a Way to My Heart" and know I truly gave you the best and a part of me has and always will be with you.
Tells stories about me...the good ones please. :-) Remember my strengths and my weakness. Don't forget the little things I may have taught you. And know without any doubt that I loved all of you hard and well as best I could and that I'll be at your shoulder and probably asking more questions. lol
The rest of my ashes? They go to Batman. He's got to take me on one last ride. He'll know where and he'll know what to play. However, ya have to play Macy Gray's Beauty in the World and hear my laugh and giddy thrill as you send me into the wind baby. ~kiss~