Reality vs. Make Believe

It's been a very rough week.  Rough to where I couldn't even write.  I could barely sort through all of the emotions and thoughts flooding through me.  And I can't at all claim that I handled the mess that was put in front of me to the best of my ability.  No, I didn't set fire to everything while I stood in the middle of the chaos, which last time around I began to use as my MO, but I did contribute to the difficulties that followed.

Today, after slipping in the mess once again, I said fuck this and quit hoping for any answers that would completely wash away what happened.  The strong warrior in me has lost patience and had enough of babygirl's pain and confusion.  She ordered the hurt child to take her ass to bed for a while.  The answers I was given by the only ones offering their input would have to do.  I know what I know, and that's that.  For better or worse, my warrior (who has kept to the shadows for quite a while now) is in charge and telling the rest of me to,,,shut the fuck and get it the fuck together.  (lol Two Steps from Hell playing here...)

It's time to seriously regroup myself as well as look harshly at the multiple truths that should be guiding my way.  Because of multiple factors and influences, the line between what is real and what is make believe bullshit has gotten murky the last month, and I HAVE to clear the haze clouding my path.  Outlining my Truths is the first firm step in that direction.

Truth #1:  M is my Owner/Dom as well as my Man.

Until He walks the fuck away and lets me go, I am in a D/s relationship with M.  I am His pet.  His submissive.  He is my Owner and Dom.  No...He is not my mirage in the Dom desert.  He isn't an online fantasy to me contained in email threads and comments to my photos.  I've held His hand, kissed His lips, and held His dick firmly in my body for both of our pleasure.  In His arms, I've been His victim, His whore, and His babygirl.  I've curled at His feet.  I've knelt in front of Him as He's stained me in ways no Man has ever dared.  He's growled in my ear as He plunged relentlessly into my willing body.  He's held me - His pet - fiercely through the night.  I've taken His pain and flown as He whipped me, beat me, and punished me.  He's isn't just some guy filling my head with dreams from behind His computer screen or getting me off with His words and calls.  He is REAL.  He is tangible. 

Over the course of the last year and numerous visits, we have invested in each other mentally, emotionally, physically, and even practically.  We've debated politics until we were both heated and frustrated.  I've watched His face light up like a 12 year old boy and sing His ass off in public to one of His favorite songs without shame.  He's watched as I laughed and smiled while playing in the fountain in the middle of NYC like a child.  I've taken care of Him when He's sick.  He's scolded me for decisions He didn't like.  We've laughed together, plotted, brainstormed, argued, cried, told secrets, confessed sins...  Our lives have intertwined in more than just hot, sweaty bodies and wicked memories. I know Him.  He knows me. Both of us are deep down, past surface bullshit and pretend.  With every mask we've shed for one another, we've held on to us.  Reality - in all its unpretty, unflattering light - has not chased either of us away - though shallow cowards would and have cut bait and run when faced with the challenges we both bring to the mix.  No one in my life has ever said, "I'm not going anywhere." more times than Him.  In real time He's been my strong loving Daddy wiping away my tears, and I've been His soft spot - the one He turned to when He needed a safe place to land.  I've felt His pain.  And I made it my own.  Because I love Him.  Because I'm immeasurably strong.  Because I'm fiercely loyal.  Because I am fucking His.

I may not know every small bit of His life, but I know who He is and who He isn't.  I know His strengths and His weaknesses, and through it ALL I still very much love Him.  Not just a piece.  All of Him.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  That's how a Woman is with Her Man.  

Truth #2:  I Can ONLY Control Me

That's it.  Just me.  I can't control M.  I can't control His choices, His words, His actions, His intentions.  While He values my opinion and has allowed me in close enough to influence at times, when it comes down to it He owns every bit of Him.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

I also can't control the chaotic idiots on Fet.  I can't control trifflin' women hoping to steal their own slice of M.  I can't control foolish guys who contact me hoping I'm a lying, cheating whore interested in any piece of dick thrown my way.  I can't control the people around me or M in day to day life.  All I can control is me - my choices, my actions, my reactions, my efforts, my words, my intentions.

The way I carry myself and the decisions I make are a mirror who I am at my core - how I am.  I own how I engage in any activity around me be it intellectual conversation, frank talk of kink and sex, relationship issues, life's challenges, other's drama, stupid lies, blatant disrespect, whatever...  My most basic convictions are honesty and loyalty.  While those are mine, I can't make anyone else follow those same guidelines.  I wish it were otherwise, but it's just not fucking possible.  I don't lie, act disrespectfully, or cheat emotionally, mentally, or physically.  While other's may chose to be a hot mess, I don't.  I'm not an attention whore or a drama queen.  I'm not a stupid, worthless piece of meat eager for any fool's touch.  I'm not a frantic sub tossing myself at any Dom's feet hoping for validation.  I'm not a careless bitch or a silly child prone to tantrums.  

Yes, M and I have a D/s and specifically an O/p relationship.  I can't lie.  Our dynamic absolutely does influence me significantly.  We consensually and willingly agreed long ago to a power exchange that allows Him control over my behavior and actions, which has grown deeper with time and trust.  Because of that, I am a reflection of Him.  If He is frayed around the edges, very likely I will be a bit as well.  That's how these things work.  However, there is a limit to His control.  ~gasp~  Yes, I said it... limit.  Feel free to call the D/s cops.  Maybe some subs blame the D-types around them for their chaos, but I'm not one of them.  His ownership does not give me permission to act recklessly or in detriment to myself or Him.  

Just because I am His property, does NOT forgo my responsibility to behave as a strong, intelligent, rational, self-respecting grown-ass woman.  I haven't had a tight grip on this one recently.  No, I didn't make a public ass of myself, but I did struggle to find my strength.  While I am much better beginning this afternoon, there is progress left to be made.   I'm still relatively new at the lifestyle, and today I faced the truth that I've gotten too unsteady in my submission.  Part of that is due to circumstances that I have no control over.  But again, I can only control me.  With M's help and guidance, we need to fine tune my submission, so that I am the best I can be for Him and myself.  Until then, my more dominant/warrior side is front and center taking an assessment of everything in and around me.  And no...that doesn't in anyway mean I am not His sub/pet.  It means He has a lioness on His leash, not a worthless house cat.

Truth #3:  Fet is Not REAL

First I want to preface this with there is a handful of Fet friends I TRULY enjoy and value.  Their comments, emails, thoughts, and insights have made me laugh, think, and even grow a little.  And yes...there is somewhat of an entertainment value at times.  Once in a great while, I even learn something significant.  However too damn often, Fet is nothing but a HOT FUCKING MESS of lies, deceit, games, and drama played out by selfish, spineless children and wannabes.  At times being a part of Fet has become toxic both emotionally and mentally.  The bullshit that goes on in the background especially.  REALLY PEOPLE?!?  Fuck...do you have any sense of maturity or basic decency?  Augh...  Whatever...all I can say is karma is a bitch.  You'll reap what you sow.

But Fet isn't fucking REAL.  Only a handful of people know me as more than my handle, have my number, or met me.  99.9% of the profiles and portrayals are make believe crap.  Most never meet a single person in real life, instead cowardly choosing to engage in emotional and mental cheating on their significant real life other.  Their real lives are in shambles and chaos because they are cheaters, users, and crisis junkies all seeking attention to validate their miserable existence.  Only a fraction of the members have a clue as to what BDSM is, and most have no experience in anything but vanilla sex, simply hoping to engage in  the ultimate fuck fest.  ~eye roll~  On top of that the ones that do engage in the lifestyle tend to have so many hidden issues they are essentially broken and need to either grab their nuts or seek true mental health guidance.  Blah...

I'm pretty much disgusted and tired of hopefully stopping by to engage in fun or meaningful banter only to see the sea of lies, misery, and stark desperation flooding my feed.  I'm stepping back.  WAY back.  While I will engage with those I value, I am distancing myself from the ugly make believe nonsense to focus on me and what will take me further not only in kink and my submission but also my life.  

Truth #4:  Paranoia Will Only Make Me Crazy

I've experienced my share of relationship bullshit.  I've seen the insane and crazy shit some people intentionally choose to do to one another.  But I can NOT live in paranoia-ville.  I won't.  The last man that I was involved with played games and lied to the point of twisting me up in knots and pushing me to be a cold bitch.  I left that mess behind and will NEVER fucking return to that kind of existence.  I'd rather be a nun.  Yep...given that we live 400 miles away, M could very well be fucking every sub in NYC, and I wouldn't have a damn clue.  He could have online and real time relationship with dozens of women.  I can NOT focus on what could be's and maybe's.  All that does is eat a person alive from the inside out.  And the sad fact is, plenty of men and women engage in multiple relationships while living with their significant other.

If M, for whatever reason, got His dick wet, then together we'd deal with it.  I've dealt with cheating and gotten through it.  I've been in open relationships.  I've been in poly situations.  That's not to say there aren't consequences tied to each of these situations.  We're human.  There is cause and effect.  You can't get away from that.  But since I was 19, I treated sex differently than others and not viewed sex as criminal.  Lies and games...that's a different story.  But again...I can't live constantly afraid of what I may not know.  The one thing I've learned in life is that at some point if there's shit in the background, I eventually know.  I'll handle it then leaning heavily on Truth #2.  I can ONLY control me.  

Truth #5:  Balance - I Need It

I need to be balanced physically, emotionally, and mentally.  When any of these are off kilter, the others also follow.  Another one I need to work on.  I'm off balance and not at my best.  It's time I changed that.

Just getting through all those first handful of truths...I'm better than I have been.  There's others I need to remind myself of, but for now it's a start.  I'm getting it together.  For me.  For M.  Where I have been is not where I want to stay, so I've cleaning the muck off and moving on.  Where this path leads I'll find out soon enough.

~DominaKat