To Give It All

He was right.
This was a stupid move.

I'm so much more fucked now than I was.

I'm giving everything.
Knowing I'll return to nothing in days.

I opened the door to the fucking deepest, most intimate and vulnerable pieces of me.

No pride.
No glory.
No strength.

No more denial.
To him.
To myself.

Only the weak, hopeless truth of me.
Of wanting things I'll never find.
Never have.

Of letting myself feel for a moment.
The crushing, breathless need to be loved and cared for as I deserve.

To admit to all I've every wanted.
And never fucking had.

To be loved, protected, and cherished as I've always hoped.
To be wanted for all that I am.
To be appreciated for all that I can give.

The foolish notion I hide from myself.
That maybe I could have and feel something absolute, tangible, and real.

No caveats.
No boundaries.
No limitations.

To let go and feel with all my passion.
To live and love without hesitation.

Part of me wishes I'd never said those words.
Not opened that fucking door that I kept locked so tight.

After all...it will return to nothing in days.

Brief calls.
Whispered fantasies.

Frustrated waiting.
As he's touched, when I can't give.

It's harder to be strong when you've faced your greatest weakness.
It's harder to survive when you remember how much the need aches.

But maybe the only way to ever find what I want.
Is to admit what I truly want.
Even if I never find it.
~A Very Skittish Kat