pride
noun
- 1.a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.
verb
- 1.be especially proud of a particular quality or skill.
respect
noun
- 1.a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
verb
- 1.admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
At my essence, I am a whore. A slut. A woman that longs, craves, and needs to have her body beat, her holes used ruthlessly, and her emotions dragged through dark humiliation and degradation. Yes, for my safety, sanity, and well-being, I must indulge in these proclivities within the confines of a relationship built on love, trust, respect, and monogamy. In fact I've only felt comfortable being this way with M. No one else has ever truly seen the depths of my wretchedness.
But hiding it doesn't change the truth of my default setting. If I'm stressed I want to spread my legs. If I'm happy I long for mutual pleasure. If I'm sad, I ache to be touched. If...if...if... Some woman simply aren't made that way. I get it, and I get me.
Though I don't always see me.
Due to circumstances and life events, I rarely have had the opportunity lately to look and see that reckless primal piece of myself. Yet yesterday, M stroked that wild wicked whore, and oh yes, His cunt wept for Him in delight and the resulting spray soaked my thighs, the bed, and everything and anything in between. That Man does something to me that no one on Earth has ever done.
But I was emotionally rocked at what I saw in myself.
Only occasionally in my life have I indulged my whore. Most of the time it was at the expensive of my emotional health, but it happened as I searched for the physical activities that would sate my whore and the soul deep ache that never seemed to be fulfilled. I spread my legs for guys I didn't love, didn't need, didn't even want, simply to have my cunt touched and filled in hopes that the longing I had would be momentarily diminished. I fucked married guys. I sucked their girlfriend's cum off their hard dicks. I openly shared guys to keep it all real so that I wouldn't for a moment falsely believe in any emotional reliability. I didn't more than all that, and physically I enjoyed the activities, but never ever came close to what I longed for until M.
M with merely a touch can sate His whore like no one ever has or could. Almost from the beginning He seemed to know my soul. He sees the pieces of me that I let fall in the shadows, and when He touched on my whorish past and my whorish desires, I was completely and beautiful undone and at His mercy.
While I am completely emotionally, mentally, and physically monogamous to M and have been since the beginning...I am a whore. If M asked...~sigh~ the things I would willingly do for Him and bask in the pleasure of are twisted and filled with defilement and humiliation. I would do anything he asked...I would whore, gang-bang, take a train (is that the right phrasing?). I would do things that any vanilla person would condemn me for.
And today I wondered...how can he respect that piece of me? Be proud of that wild primal immoral slut that exists beneath my big heart and my intelligence and my loyalty? I have struggled to understand how he could respect that beast on His leash. How could He love that? Not love as in that's hot...but love as in she's who I want to spend my life with. How does He demonstrate respect to that vile filthy bitch? That whore...she exists...she doesn't have much pride and has absolutely none for Him...so how can He look at me and see me as having any self-respect for myself? Is respect simply not part of the equation of a whore? Isn't that part of the...thrill? ~sigh~
Like.... I kinda get it...
M once pulled out my tits in public. Fuck it was amazing and embarrassing and completely hedonistic as the guy across the way watched. I know He's proud of my fat slutty tits. Proud to own them. Proud of how they look and how other men stare at them and then look at Him knowing He gets to touch, suck, and fuck His big white mounds. Other men are jealous. And I'm proud that He's proud of my tits. I get off that He wants to show them off.
Is that my answer then?
It's not just the whore I wonder about...what about my submission? If I willingly give into Him emotionally and mentally even letting go of boundaries I once held sacred...how can He respect me when He can do whatever He wants and I'd do anything He wanted or needed to be happy? How can He feel pride in someone who is completely submissive and in His control. He's already earned my submission...He is who He is...I love Him...I obey. How is that not boring? How can He respect a woman who has no pride for Him? How can He believe I respect myself when I will do anything He asks?
~sigh~ In a lot of ways none of this is new. I've know what I was willing to do for Him for a long time. Facing them and even going through with certain steps hasn't been easy this week. But I feel like the answers are right there....but they're like hidden behind this curtain that's stuck in place. I know M and I have gone over most of this long ago, and I got it then. But today, I'm stumped. And while I know I'm probably looking for some kind of reassurance in light of a new degree of submission I've knelt to and changes in my life...I seek to understand how He sees these pieces of me.
What I know.... (first draft...need a break here shortly and I want to share with M.)
I know He holds in high regard my ability to be both light and dark. My needs and desires are a mirror of His.
I know He values the strength I have to find peace and strength as He crushes me.
I know He wants and values my technical and professional abilities because He let me into His work.
I know He respects my opinion because He puts questions/situations/history in front of me and listens as we debate.
I know He respects the woman I am because I've met His mother and family.
I know He takes pride in owning me because He's claimed me openly on Fet, going so far as to protect and support me, and He openly claimed me to the one person in His social circle that I've met.
I know He loves to play with His whore in ways no one ever dared and watch me both suffer, blush, and bask in His words and actions.
I know He takes pride in the fact I've let down all of my guards and take joyous pleasure in things no one else will ever see or experience of me.
I know He values me because He won't share His toy with others.
I know He loves me because He's also let go of some of His limits in order to protect and nurture me through rough times.
He's shown His pet respect by valuing her opinion openly on Fet.
He's shown His woman respect by asking and listening to her opinion in general.
He's shown His submissive respect by claiming her on Fet and honoring her position in His life.
Not spinning...I'm calm...just playing with the puzzle in my head or maybe just rearranging pieces...
~DominaKat
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