The Grace to be Nothing

Every time I hear this track it takes back. Not that I ever heard it then. But the tone, the beat, the lyrics, the voice all are reminiscent of a place I've left behind, a place where I was cold, distant, and at times vicious. M introduced me to this song years ago, but he brought it up as part of some work we're doing.  I've listened to it over and over this evening remembering who and what I use to be.

For a very long time, I was hard.  The warrior in me was all that there was.  Everything else I'd buried, burned, ignored for the sake of survival.  I walked with thick armor around my soul and weapons within reach. If I was hurt, I would slide my cool cruel blades across any exposed skin I knew existed and laugh quietly as the warmth of their blood seeped across my fingertips.  Most quickly learned to steer clear or not cross me.  Others stubbornly refused to heed my warnings and earned their punishments. I refused to let anyone get away with wounding me. I'd had enough pain to last a lifetime, so I made sure there was always a cost when others chose unwisely, and I made sure they felt me pierce and slice open their weak undersides.

I fucked for my pleasure back then.  It was a rare thing when I let another touch me, going months and years without until the sheer need to whore overwhelmed me.  There were no kisses.  There were no pleasantries.  I expected and wanted nothing but momentary physical entertainment.  Except for one, I cared nothing.  Except for one, none knew my full name, knew my address, or knew a damn thing about me except that I spread my legs for them to play in a sopping wet cunt, that I fucked like a demon, and sucked dick like a goddess.  It always surprised me how well half my effort was ever received.

My blood ran cold for years.  My heart was held behind a dark thick cave.  I was a bitch.  I was untouchable.

And then I sought answers in myself.

In some place in my mind, I knew what would happen if I found my answers.  I'm not sure if I was brave, if I was just so hungry, or if I just ignored the potential.  But I sought to somehow sate the whore in me.  Though I didn't admit it to myself, I knew that was the only way anyone would ever reach my soul.  Only through brutal physical, mental, and emotional conquering would anyone ever tame me.

Now here I am.  Tamed on M's leash.

My warrior is not dead, but M's pet holds her leash tight and keeps her unarmed and for the most part inactive.

There are of course moments...when I twitch to grab my armor and my steel.  When I want so much for the pain and stress to recede.  But I'm trying to do things differently.  I'm doing everything I can not to fall back into default patterns meant to protect my soft heart. Before M...Whenever shit's gotten hard, I let go. I let them go. I refused to make a fool of myself any more than I already had, and instead I shut off everything in me.  Each suffered their own hell of their choosing and in many ways still are.

But I'M trying to do things differently.  I don't want to repeat my past.  I want to find my future with M for than anything.

I've never given 100% before, but with M I give everything I have, even...yes, even when the pain threatens to shatter me.  I won't defend with calculated cruelty.  I won't protect with hard, distant, coldness.  No matter how much that place I use to live promises me some semblance of sanctuary, somehow, somewhere...no...that place isn't a mystery...in the unconditional love I have for M, I find the strength and courage to stay wide open and vulnerable even when pain, fear, or anger consume me.

Now I seek to..."find the grace to be nothing" in a different place then I use to be.  My only hope when I am nothing is that I eventually I'll find M's warmth surrounding me and not the icy cold that use to keep me company.
~DominaKat