Maybe It's Because

Yes, there are moments when I question my sanity.  When I ask myself "why are you like this?"  When I wonder if this is healthy for me in any way, shape, or form.  I don't always know where my needs come from or why my needs are so rooted in the core of me.  I have some insights, but no firm answers.  Nothing definitive.  Nothing that resolves for me the question of whether or not I have a full set of marbles.

Maybe it's because I learned so early on that there would likely always be others.

Maybe it's because for so long I numbly existed in a fantasy that I now refuse to do anything but live and breathe reality.

Maybe it's because for the ones that mattered most, I was and am never enough no matter how hard I've tried.

Maybe it's because I've gotten so removed from the vibrant emotions that are normal for everyone else that I need more than normal to feel anything.

Maybe it's because one by one the roles that defined me have been stripped or discarded leaving me with no mask to hide behind or bury myself in.

Maybe it's because I've given up denying who I am and what I need.

Maybe it's because I've never had the opportunity to let go and explore the possibilities.

Maybe it's because it's simply in my genetic makeup to be sexual, sensual, and a freak.

Maybe it's because I find such joy, freedom, and value in the passion and release of someone I'm tied to emotionally.

Maybe it's because I realized long ago that I can never satisfy anyone completely.

Maybe it's because it just feels so damn good I can't resist.

Maybe it's because it's one of the rare times I feel alive with every cell of my being.

Maybe it's because I've learned that so much in life sucks that I should run with the passion and excitement when I find it since it may not be there tomorrow.

Maybe it's simply who I am.

And maybe I never fucking had a full set of marbles to begin with.  ~shrug~

Why do you do it?
~A Reflective Kat