Wednesday, November 6, 2013


"I'm never letting you go."



Yeah...Those weren't words I could fathom in any way over a year ago.

I come from a long line of women who love hard and true.  When I look at the women in my family, there is no question of our strength, our tenacity, and the ferocity with which we love our Men.  I've SEEN countless examples of "always" and "forevers."  Grandparents and aunts and uncles that had held onto their true loves for generations.  Yet at 40, my life had only taught me again and again that no one and nothing was forever - that kind of magic wasn't something I would be lucky enough to find.  What I understood so clearly was that no matter what someone said, their actions would always prove their lack of intention, conviction, and character.  ~shrug~

Reality is what it is.  No matter how hard I tried, the world didn't make men for me like that any more.  In the land of ADD, disposable-everything, and easy, slick, ego-boosting internet connections, the only "forever" I knew was that I'd be forever be let down and let go no matter how great I was, smart I was or well I fucked.  Every man was simply temporary and false promises and dreams.  What I knew my heart and mind were capable of was a throw back to a different time and place.  It was the kind of love and devotion that today only love stories and movies paint.

Last summer as our relationship grew, M kept repeating words like "always" and "forever" to me.  I'd explain quietly without any malice or drama that those words weren't necessary.  He didn't have to promise.  He didn't have to make grand gestures.  Quite frankly I did NOT have any desire to foolishly trust so completely.  I desperately wanted to hold onto some small, thin blanket of cynical realistic protection, so my heart would never be at risk of shattering into a thousand broken shards of destroyed hope, joy, and love. I was falling for this Man so deeply and already so fucking vulnerable that I didn't want to let go of that last little defense.

I fought Mark.  I tried so hard not to believe.  I pushed back.  I tried to escape.  I denied Him my faith in our tomorrows.  Until one evening, with tears streaming down my face and His passionate and adamant demand ricocheting in my mind, my heart, and soul, He finally broke down my resistance and forced me to see and believe in Him.

"You are MINE."
"Those three words say everything."
"They are the truth."
"I am NEVER letting you fucking go."
"Do you understand?"

And He - my Owner, my Daddy, my M, my Man - finally gave me what no living soul had ever given me.

He gave me His forever.

Not talkin' 'bout a year
No not three or four
I don't want that kind of forever
In my life anymore
Forever always seems
to be around when it begins
but forever never seems
to be around when it ends
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do From you

People spend so much time
Every single day
Runnin' 'round all over town
Givin' their forever away
But no not me
I won't let my forever roam
and now I hope I can find
my forever a home
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

Like a handless clock with numbers
An infinite of time
No not the forever found
Only in the mind
Forever always seems
to be around when things begin
but forever never seems
to be around when things end
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

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