M very much likes to keep me guessing when it comes to the delicious fun He has in store for me. For a girl that thrives off asking questions, these two things can sometimes run counter to one another. Last weekend, they did, and my questions came to a complete and abrupt stop when M finally just asked me, "Why are you trying to ruin Christmas?"
Last summer as M and I continued to grow our blooming relationship, I was a teeny bit frustrated one day that He wouldn't really go into details about some upcoming kinkalicious fun. Of course, I had been on a running streak of questions, as I attempted to understand and learn more about my amazing and deep Dom. I hungered to know Him not just on the surface but deep. I wanted to please Him. I wanted to serve as best I could. However, he had other objectives.... He finally explained to me that because I was essentially untouched by any other Dom - His blank canvas - that I was like Christmas, and every little thing He chose to do with me was like a beautifully wrapped present under the tree. He wanted us to unwrap each gift slowly so that He could relish every first moment with me.
Damn...I was rendered speechless and nearly brought to tears. No Man had ever cherished moments like that with me in real time. No Man had ever looked forward to sharing so much with me. Few thought beyond the moment to look ahead and value what we would share together. That conversation, like so many others, has stuck with me.
So back to last night...after I'd asked a kink related question, and M responded with asking why I was trying to ruin Christmas, I felt like a bucket of cold water had just been dropped on my head. I was so incredibly sad and even a bit hurt. In my entire life, I've never sought out my gifts. I was always such a good girl and simply waited patiently for when it was time. The thought never even occurred to me to go looking.
But here I was...trying to ruin Our Christmas.
I was ashamed. So very, very ashamed.
My foolish attempts to learn more and to be better for Him were actually taking away from Him. I caught my breath, I politely apologized, and since that moment I've turned inside to help sort through my confusion and better understand my submission. As I worked outside in the yard all day, I went through various ups and downs while I went through the tangle in my head to figure out where I've gone wrong.
Part of it is that I'm trying to anticipate His wishes and needs to much. Things happen because He wants them to happen, when He wants them to happen. I get that completely. He leads. I follow. His pace. His direction. His path. No matter how much I want to please and serve Him, I simply have to wait for His command and then obey.
You'd think this wouldn't be that hard.
If I was lazy. It wouldn't be.
And...If I trusted and believed 100% in myself, it probably wouldn't be that hard.
My struggle is that in me is a compelling desire to see a ways up ahead in the journey. And it's truly very selfish of me. This desire is born from a number of very negative things that I HAVE to root out of me.
I'm afraid to dream or imagine or hope. I use to do those things a long time ago, but I stopped because every time it was all for nothing. But M gave me hope again...I care about tomorrow because I want tomorrow with Him. But I'm afraid to imagine it all on my own. I selfishly need Him to hold my hand and show me tomorrow in His eyes, so that I don't feel so alone in dreaming. What I need to do is simply trust today that He'll be there tomorrow.
I'm afraid to fuck up and of not being good enough. If I know what the path looks like I'll do whatever possible, so I don't stumble or fall or crash needlessly into M. I want M to be proud of me. I want His approval. M told once fairly recently that one of the things He appreciates most in me is how hard I try.
But now I'm trying too hard. The truth is - the one piece of logic I have to keep at the front of my
Spock brain - is that no matter what I do, no matter how good I am, if M decides He doesn't want me or doesn't love me anymore it won't matter how good I am. And even if I do fuck up, if M decides He wants me, loves me, craves me in His life...me stumbling in our journey won't be anything we can't overcome.
So I need to relax. I need to step back and stop trying so selfishly to calm my worries by asking soooo many questions that don't make a difference in the end because I know I'll enjoy every moment with Him.
I want M to enjoy Our Christmas.
And because I adore that beautiful smile on His face and that rich laugh of His...because I love Him...I'll do my best to enjoy the anticipation. I KNOW I'll enjoy the presents!!! ;-P