The other day my Daddy and my best friend were chatting about crazy, foolish women and the chaos they perpetuate with poor decisions and drama. At one point, my Daddy was making a statement generalizing that "present company excluded," (Meaning me, which my best friend readily agreed with, and yes, he'd crack on me forever if He thought I was one of the fruitloops running amok.) "they don't use common sense." Now for those of you few sane women who may be reading this, don't even try to take offense at that statement. You and I both KNOW when we look around...these bitches are crazy and common sense seems to have flown out the window! lol While I don't make the best decisions every damn time, I do get numerous props for just using common sense and logic. Given that the two wisest Men in the world have given a considerable amount of those props, I'd have to say I'm starting to believe them. That's one of the reasons for this post. MAYBE it will help someone!
In the last few weeks M (my Daddy) and I have had countless discussions on the...how do I put this delicately???...ummmm...the dumb shit that too many subs wallow in. (The other reason for this post.) While He feels sorry for them and their dilema, I - for the most part - don't.
Sorry, chicks. I don't. You are grown ass women! Act like it. If your chaos can be avoided, why oh why oh WHY should the rest of us feel sorry for your dumb ass? We shouldn't. What we should do is treat you like we would our best friend, our sister, or our daughter and tell you to grow the fuck up and act like you have some sense. In my world, when you care, you keep it real and don't pat someone on the tushie and say "Ooooh poor baby."
Every one of us has entered the lifestyle for all sorts of reasons. And yes, the thrill and excitement of finally finding the great kinky world of BDSM and kinkolicious fun is tantalizing. However, when an overzealous sub makes shitty choices and causes chaos because of their frantic, unfulfilled need to submit to any jackass that talks a few lines of halfway decent game, it costs us all. I mean seriously...not many teenage girls with hormones raging try to date and/or fuck every guy on the football, soccer, baseball, basketball, and debate teams within a single year. If those girls can use some common sense, so can you women. Here's a few of my common sense tidbits that come to mind.
Disclaimer: For those women who have been the victim of a crime or of some serious fucked up unforeseen game running you couldn't have seen in the works, this post is NOT about you. No one has the right to be violent or abusive, and there are some cruel selfish game players that even the best of us couldn't uncover.
1. EDUCATE YOURSELF!
This shouldn't have to be explained, but... Make sure you understand this lovely new place you're exploring. Would you take a trip to Beijing without at least getting a cursory idea of what you're getting into and a few basic key words under your belt? There's a couple of great "getting started" forums listed on my profile for those seeking to learn more.
2. Slow the fuck down. Waaaaaay down.
Jumping into things with any damn fool who self-identifies as himself as a Dom and tosses you a scrap of attention only means three things. He doesn't want to be seen as submissive, he had some time to kill, and you have no damn sense. Being in a D/s dynamic where there exists a power exchange and risky activities like choking, bondage, and beatings with crops, floggers, etc. requires more communication and responsibility than it does to be someone's dinner companion or fuck buddy. Take the time to get to KNOW one another. Would you hand a stranger your car keys and say let's go? Why the fuck would you hand someone you barely know your submission and a crop and say tie me up and beat me?!?
3. Guard Yourself
Until you've known someone a WHILE, and they've proven themselves in multiple ways at multiple times in multiple areas.
a. Don't tell them your full name.
b. Don't give someone your adress.
c. Don't tell them where you work or what school your kids go to or that your visiting your mom at a specific hospital.
d. Hell...make them wait a little while before you hand over your phone number. It is NOT TOO MUCH to expect a little effort into a few emails back and forth. Not for a Man/Dom who truly is into you, who is not just looking to get His dick wet. If he's in a rush, move the fuck on. There is no "RUSH" in any experienced and responsible Dom's repertoire.
4. Be Honest
First, be honest with yourself! Figure out what you want and at least get a vague sense as to why. Do not run around the kinky playground like a chicken with your head cut off. Search yourself to find what feels good and right with you.
Second...no, being honest isn't in opposition to #3. You can say, "I'm not comfortable giving out that information, yet." That communication tells the good Dom where you're at and warns a shitty Dom you aren't a sucker.
5. PUBLICLY Meet
Meet the first time in a public place where at least one other person knows where, when, who, and why you are meeting. Have the damn safety call. If the big bad Dom is offended? Fuck him. He's not a Dom. A Dom would be protective of His sub and respect her for being able to handle and protect herself. He would WANT a sub that makes smart choices, not being a walking talking disaster waiting to happen.
6. Don't Be Drunk
Really. Drunkness is not impressive on a first, second, or third meet. The words "safe, sane, and consensual" are a creed of the well informed and educated lifestylers for a reason.
7. Don't Submit to a Dom You Don't Know
This isn't prudish, just common sense. Use the car keys analogy. You wouldn't hand those to a complete stranger, why hand over your submission. There's a lot of emotional energy that goes into submitting. If you carelessly hand that over your submission, you only have yourself to blame if your feelings get hurt. Don't be careless! There are douche bags littering the streets of Fet and the lifestyle, but you have to do your part and not pick up the garbage and stuff it in your panties.
8. Staking Claim
Be reasonable and smart. If there is a rush to stake claim, RUN. No reasonable person starts calling someone their boyfriend/girlfriend after one phone call. Neither should you be calling someone your Dom that quickly. Oh and by the way...Flipping from one Dom to another every couple weeks or from "single" to "in a relationship" repetitively only shows you and your life are a hot damn mess. Again...Take the time to get to fucking KNOW one another. After a reasonable amount of time, after meeting them several times, and after a proven focus and commitment is shown on BOTH your parts, then change your "In a relationship with Oh Great Dom" and "submissive of Mr. Saint Dom" profile attributes. Until then...chill.
The flip side of this is also a RUN moment. If after a reasonable amount of time, he's not down with making your relationship knowledge public...if he balks at claiming you...then there's something significantly wrong with things. If he hides you behind a curtain of mystery, he's either a coward, a liar, or a fake. But he's definitely NOT your Dom, Owner, or Master. Even dogs get a name tag, so should you. If you knowingly are agreeing to be His secret, then do NOT cry and whine over being last on His list of priorities. If you were a priority, He'd treat and respect you like one.
It's late, and I've run out of steam. That's a start. If anyone has anymore common sense advice they think should be added, let me know. I'll happily update tomorrow! Until then...
Take care of yourselves. Treat yourself like you want others to treat you. ~hugs~
Best wishes and happy subbing.