Time to Work

At first I reigned myself that this was going to be a sloppy, likely incoherent blog post.  I was focused only on beginning the conversation.  I have a dozen other items on my to-do list to do and didn't want to take too much time away from what else I could accomplish.  But before I even finished my first sentence, stating upfront that this would be sloppy and likely incoherent, I realized that that is my entire fucking problem right now in the first place.  I can't begin with any hope of success if I start off embracing exactly what I need to destroy.  Fuck.  ~sigh~

But I caught it.  At least I got that part right.  Life, chaos, family dramas, and struggles have wrapped around my submission and isolated it away to where it no longer consumes me.  While I am 110% dedicated, devoted, and loyal to M, my submission right now isn't that happy, sweet place of peace and tranquility.  There's little time for that, and those moments are usually only found in the late hours of the night when M and I are winding down or in quick flutters of flirtatious banter with my Daddy through the day.  The rest of the time my submission is in my service-oriented and protocol driven.  And even my protocols are being effected by my fast-paced need to progress, achieve, and get done.

I so fucking miss the consuming warmth that use to be my submission.  Yet at the same time I've never been so focused, driven, motivated, or in-sych serving a Man.  It's like I'm getting so many things right, yet losing a firm grip on the other pieces I had once mastered so well.

~sigh~

I don't have any answers tonight.  As I said, I simply wanted to begin the conversation.  I know these things...

I love the work that I am doing for M.  It fulfills me in countless ways.
I miss the weight of his Dominance and the give of my emotional submission to Him.
I understand and am no longer in angst about that last one.  Right now is simply a time to wait.  We will begin again.
So what do I do in the meantime to not lose ground and to be the most obedient pet I can be?  How do I  refocus my submission?  Do I need stronger punishment?  More concrete reward/praise?  Augh...do either one of us really have time or energy for that when our whole goal is to get done so that I can get there?

Ehhhhh...I'm searching for answers that I won't find.  But the conversation has begun.
~DominaKat