There's no denying my submission to M. My obedience and surrender has encompassed the full range both pleasurable and painful.
From His physical control over my body's automatic response to Him to the sexual pleasure I derive from His Dominance, Control, Sadistic desires, and Humiliation. I am His.
From my overwhelming mental and emotional need to please Him to my willing ability to swallow painful truths I wish I didn't see or feel.
Good or bad. Beautiful or ugly. My bone deep submission courses through my every state of being, and sometimes...it is hurts. I do it all because I am in love with M. Not because I am a docile bitch, a hungry masochist, or a insatiable whore. It's because of my love for Him.
I instinctively reach for Him when I wake up, when I finish a task, when I have good news, when I have bad...all the fucking damn time.
I. Reach. For Him.
It is fucking absolute. There isn't even a breath between waking and Him.
But when circumstances put me in a place where the act of reaching for Him may be painful or disobedient or whatever negative outcome...I am immediately awash in a conflict so deep that I can almost be physically and mentally paralyzed and I can easily find myself in an emotional spin of hurt, doubt, and insecurity.
Under His Dominance and within His presence, I've discovered a safety and security I never believed could be possible. When ANY fucking THING threats that safety and security...I want to stamp it out. I want it gone, gone, gone... I just so very desperately want it to stop.
When my submission hurts...I have still not figured out how best to handle it. Instinct and training drives me to Him when I am in any kind of need, but there are times, days, circumstances when that impulse can only cause me to hurt more or be disappointed. It's a nasty vicious cycle that fucks me the fuck up. It's like I have to purposefully defy my training and submission to Him. Conflict. Conflict. Conflict.
I'm not proud of any of this. It's an aspect of my submission I take no joy, strength, or solace in. I simply suffer until we get to the other side of the situation when M leads me to be safely tucked under His feet again.
I have no answers...I don't know where I'm going...just writing to sort through and maybe find a fraction of peace when I'm struggling to breath easy. Be strong. Fight through. Get to the other side. Just somehow find the other side.