What I Hate About Love

Love...fuck...I ran from you for so fucking long.  I didn't want to be vulnerable ever again when time had proven over and over that the only thing you fucking ever led me to were fools who would would eventually dismiss or trample on my worth or who would would believe me a deaf, dumb, and blind.  Augh...the love you showed me was not kind or hopeful or sweet or tender.  Every time you found me, I had to be strong and fight.  I had to do battle, and I always fucking lost.  Rarely did you even give me a moment of the beautiful side of you.  But deep down, past those nasty hardened scars and ugly rough gouges you'd brought me, after 20 years of being either your victim or on the run, I fucking face the fact that I desperately yearned for your presence in my life and needed...I so needed to find that fairy tale love you told of when I was little.  lol  Am I the eternal damn masochist or what?

I couldn't help it.  I couldn't deny it anymore.  Nothing else would do.  I yearned for you because I fucking deserved a god damn fairy tale.  I DESERVED the fucking best you bitch!!!  After EVERYTHING you've done, after losing so fucking much, I wasn't going to ever fucking settle for the scraps or the bullshit or the lies or the carelessness or the abuse you had fed me my entire adult life.  I never do much half-assed in my life.  Instead of staying safe on the surface and towards the shore, I waited until the tide and wind were perfect to dive off the cliff into your deep sea to find what you had for me.  Because I fucking deserve the BEST you have to give!  I've fucking given the best kind of love again and again.  I am one amazing fucking woman that ANY man would be proud to have at His side and at His back.

Yes...I hear your smart mouth you fickle bitch.  Yes...I had to be brave enough to fight for that kind of love.  I had to be willing to risk my shattered, bruised soul once again on a chance.  But tell me why the fuck do you make shit so hard on the strongest?!?

For you, I've fucking bled my heart out and lost touch with my soul for so many god damn years.

And now...For you, I try desperately to fight off the brutal lessons you've hammered so viscously into me.  I do everything I possibly can in the most vulnerable place I've ever been in to slay the shit ton of dragons you've had stalking and terrifying me since my last attempts to work with you.  Fuck...for all the beauty and wonder and joy and tenderness you've brought me this time...you can't somehow call off those fucking beasts?  You can't somehow give me the strength, the wisdom, or the tools to somehow conquer those bastard demons?  No...I'm simply fucking alone with them howling in laughter and glee at my insecurities and fears.

Thanks for the help this time around.
~DominaKat