Sunday, June 23, 2013

The Gift of Peace

I.
Am.
A hardheaded woman.

Well...at times.

Yes.  I said it.  I know it.  It's not mean-spirited or cruel.  It's just that there are certain concepts that take me a while to make sense of in my head and see - believe - when something means a lot.  Especially when that something means...EVERYTHING.

It's not distrust.  It's not doubt.  It's simply my Spock side sorting through the puzzle to put the pieces together in the right pattern where I see clearly what is there.

The first time I laid at M's feet was a calling so fucking strong it left me trembling and breathless.  My heart seemed to pause in wait.  It is a moment that will forever be branded into my soul.  My heart, my mind, my gut were all perfectly in synch urging me as never before to my destiny.  There was no doubt or hesitation.  I simply followed the only path before me.  I slid from the cool sheets that morning in faith, in hope, and in utter helpless submission.  I was His.  When I finally curled around His ankle and laid my cheek on the top of His foot...I found a peace and harmony so damn deep tears slipped down my cheeks.  Home.  I'd finally found home at this Man's feet.

That was more than a year ago.

In countless ways since, M has reinforced that peace again and again and again.  From a hand on my thigh at the movies to His tight embrace as we drift off to sleep.  From the harsh slap across my face, the crop's lash across my ass, or that damn spatula's wicked smack to my thigh when He dominates His property.  Every day when He texts me "Good morning pet."  When he sends me the perfect song or just laughs that certain way.  Or that smile he gets or the hungry look in His face for me or the way He sets His lips when He knows I'm right and doesn't want to admit it or....  So many ways I could never ever hope to list them all.  He is unquestionably my Alpha and Omega.  Even when we disagree or when we're in disharmony, He STILL brings me peace.  ~sigh~

I embrace all this overwhelming peace in wonder and hope, cherishing the beauty of our unique blend of magic.

But my hardheaded, stubborn, analytical Spock side couldn't understand how I gave Him that same feeling of peace.

Until yesterday.

When he told me how much it meant to Him when I understood His pain and let Him vent and  aided His efforts to find solutions, I finally saw what He's been trying to explain to me all along.  My instinctual responses to Him bring His soul the same feeling of peace and shelter that He inspires in mine.

I know.  I'm soooo damn slow sometimes.  What a silly girl I am for struggling to see what was right in front of me all along.

Now that I understand, I see that my submission and my inexperience in relationships very much got in the way of my understanding this fundamental reality.  I want to serve Him in any way I possibly can.  Due to circumstances, it's not as often as I'd like that I can do serve in a practical sense either through service-oriented tasks or by pleasing Him with my body.  I treasure every day act of submission and service He allows me.  But I completely underestimated how much just my mental and emotional presence in His life comforts Him.

His pet is always right there.  By His side, ready and willing to follow where He leads us.  At His feet, curled contentedly and loyally.  In front of Him either relentless hunting or guarding.

I finally truly get it.  No...I finally feel it.  Intellectually I heard the theory.  I just never quite could figure out how and where my presence fit into the equation with M and I.  Yesterday, I finally saw that glimpse of what I give to M, and now so many things finally make sense in a way I couldn't arrange before.  Finally that knot that has been tangled in me for so long has unravelled.

Owning His pet...having me always there...that comforts His soul just as being His comforts mine.  ~sigh~  I'm so very honored and humbled by that.  It means the world to me to be able to give Him a sense of peace and harmony.  All I ever want is to please Him.

And I do.  :-)
~DominaKat


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