Monday, February 25, 2013

My Answer. His Answer. Our Answer.

As a M's sub, He nurtured me and built a deep trust that allowed me to let down my guard and be emotionally vulnerable to Him.  Through the good and the fun, through the ugly and the messy, He took the time to show me that I should and need to turn to Him when I am hurt or am afraid.  It doesn't matter - shouldn't matter - what or who has hurt me or what I am afraid of.  Even if it is Him.  (<~An extremely rare occurrence.)   What is key is that HE is my answer.  HE is the one I can and should lean on to get me and us through.

This has been a HARD fucking lesson for me.  It has taken time, practice, and intention for me to adjust my defensive habit (as much as I have) of keeping the most vulnerable pieces of me out of sight and mind of everyone around me.  I have struggled to overcome the fears of looking weak, of being vulnerable, of being rejected or ignored, of being too much.  Yet even after all of this time - a year since M has come into my life - leaning on Him is still difficult.  While the need to turn to Him is now truly instinctual every time I am in pain or afraid, it is very much a conscious effort to open up and let Him see me.  Sometimes it's almost natural, but sometimes I have to MAKE myself reach for Him however timidly.  I have to force myself to open up, risk, and express to Him my innermost feelings.  I can't always do it.  And there...is the challenge I still struggle with.

I can't deny.  I want to bear my soul in those moments.  God...I so want to.  The need to curl up in Daddy's arms and simply let go ......  I know with every breath in me that HE IS MY ANSWER.  The problem is is that even though I'm finally comfortable being weak and vulnerable to Him, I still fear being rejected or ignored or being too much.  I know why, but that doesn't resolve my issues.  Hopefully, time and His patience will continue to help me build the bridge I need to cross this hurdle.

As I've gone over and over this in my head, I faced realities.  This isn't easy for anyone.  It takes time, it takes courage, and it takes a constant flow of trust between the Dom and sub.  We all have our pasts.  We all make mistakes.  It's about two committed partners recognizing an issue and resolving to work together toward one another to find resolution.  ~sigh~  For anyone that knows me, they know how difficult those last six sentences were.  I tend to beat myself up and shoulder every burden and bit of blame.  But the longer I've travelled on this beautiful strong journey with M, the better I've gotten at looking at every piece of the puzzle to find solutions and at working with M to to find not just my answer or His answer but OUR answer.

Over the last few day while sorting through pieces, I came up with questions that I think I believe I know the answer to, but I'm not sure I see those practices applied or even spoke of that often in the community at large.  If M is suppose to be my answer, shouldn't I be His answer?  Should this be a mutual vulnerability?

In a D/s dynamic, the s-type is to serve and please while the D/M leads their journey and guides Her to where He desires her to be.  His is a role of dominance and strength.  Hers is a role of submission and willing vulnerability.  The D-role in addition to the normal Male role seems counterintuitive to opening up to the s- about pain and fear whatever the source because it shows stark emotional vulnerability.  Yet shouldn't being His answer be an essential part of her service to Him?  Shouldn't the Dom instinctively turn to and open Himself in times of stress and pain to His sub for love, support, and strength?  If He doesn't, what does that say?  If she isn't HIS answer when push comes to shove, what does that mean?

I recognize that everyone is different.  I've seen again and again fluffy, chaotic subs incapable of making even the most basic decisions, so I know there are some subs that may not be capable of being the Dom's answer.  However,  I'm not a weak, silly, flighty sub.  I'm strong and courageous.  I would carry the weight of the world for M, so that He may have a moment to rest.  In fact...if I feel shut out or shielded, it effects me negatively.  I actually become weaker as a sub because I feel like He didn't believe in me or in us.  At that point either my insecurities quiver only adding strain to a given situation, or I instinctively start to pull back to strengthen myself for the unknown.

~sigh~  Augh...So I ask...

If He should be My answer, should I be His answer?  In the healthiest of D/s relationships, is Our answer one another?
~DominaKat




I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

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