Sunday, December 23, 2012

My Failure to Pay Gracefully

Three and a half beautiful days shared with M.  His presence here is still sprinkled through the house.  His glass.  His shirt.  The imprint on the pillows.  The tangle of blankets on the couch.   Little moments that remind me it wasn't a dream.

M gets to me so fucking deep.  He fills me up with warmth and love and tenderness like no one else.  That he chooses to come to me...means so damn much.  It humbles me how thoroughly He takes care of me, nurtures me, protects me.  Fuck...I've never had that kind of love.  It simply undoes me. He loves me so hard and well.  I've finally learned to let myself lean on my beautiful, amazing Daddy.  I can't lie.  I need Him.  He's the sun that warms me and the air I breathe.  I need His love, direction, encouragement, praise, approval...  lol  He's where I begin and end.  My alpha and omega.  When I wrote those words so many months ago, I had no idea how true they would become.

We said goodbye this morning.  Letting go this time was so much harder.  I didn't expect that.  It just sort of snuck up on me.  I can't at all claim that I've handled the last 11 hours well.  His absence is like a vacuum.  I was completely lost most of the day.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  We didn't have somewhere to go.  I didn't have Him to love and serve.  Honestly, as soon as I got back home from dropping Him off, I curled up in bed and fought my way through a storm of emotions I'm not yet use to.  M's taught me how to feel again.  Not just surface emotions, but the kind that rob you of breath and shake you at your core.  Emotions that squeeze you and pull you painfully taut all at once.  The cost of feeling that much and that deep is not a price I've learned to pay gracefully.  I need to do a better job of that for M and for myself.

I've spent the last 20 years being so damn strong so that I wouldn't feel as much pain.  With M prying open the door of my heart again, I sometimes get overwhelmed with the emotional storms because along with all of the beautiful, sweet feelings also come the riskier, scary kind.  The latter beat my ass today.  I hurt saying goodbye.  I was sad at returning home alone.  I feared facing my challenges without His strength surrounding me.  I mourned losing His warm, laughing presence.  There was more that I had to sift through as well.  Old fears and insecurities that M had unintentionally brought to the surface that I still don't know how to mentally, emotionally or physically process.  But it took me too many long hours today before I was finally able to see and articulate all of elements that went into my storm.

I need to be stronger and quicker than that.  Babygirl had too much of a hold on me today with a woman's hurt helping to drive the chaos.  ~sigh~  Now I know.  I need to be more open with myself first and with M, so that things don't build up in me.  I need to prepare myself better for the reality of our goodbyes, because I know he'll be back to me soon.  We are only as strong as our weakest point, and I refuse to let that little bit of time between our visits and my poor grace in the face of emotions brought about by love be the weak point in us.

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