Monday, December 31, 2012

One of My Challenges

I put my Man first.  Not because I'm His sub/slave/pet, but because that is simply how I'm wired.  It's in my DNA.  My primary "rule" doesn't have shit to do with BDSM.  I was like this even with my long ago first love.  However my loyalty and service heart do make BDSM a natural fit and not just a game I fake my way through or a role I pretend to embrace.

I'm not at all new to BDSM concepts and theory.  However, I AM new to the application of BDSM since M is the first Man to ever have the strength, intelligence, focus, and intention to dominate me.  I've learned so much in the last 10 months, and I'm still learning.  I like to think I'm pretty adept at picking up on what I need to do or what is expected of me.  Yet occasionally I stumble and can't quite "get" it.  

I confess...I stumble because I actually think.  Again...another thing that is simply in my DNA.  I can't help it.  I'm not a stupid helpless lamb mewing in the corner.  I'm a smart, loyal lioness on M's leash.  Some guys and weak doms may consider my intelligence and thought process a huge drawback, and maybe they have a point because for better or worse while I can usually take immediate instructions well I can't just work on mindless autopilot.  I think about how x will effect y and impact my Daddy, how if a resulted before in b, then maybe doing c would be better for my Man.  If I can't decide what's best, I ask questions and more questions.  Until the process makes sense in my head, I struggle because I don't know with certainty how to apply what I'm learning correctly for my Dom's benefit.  Is it complicated in my head at times?  Fuck yes.  Can I be kind of a handful for M?  ~sigh~  Yeah.  However, once I learn something well it sinks in deep, and in the long run - that makes me a damn good loyal submissive.  

So the first of my current challenges...

Separating D/s from Sex:
I am an extremely sexual creature and for me damn near every emotion can lead to sexual activities in my book.  If I'm stressed, I want to fuck.  Angry? I want a vicious, punishing round.  Sad? I want soft, slow, comforting loving.  I'm, playful naughtiness.  I express my emotions sexually whenever I have the opportunity.  It isn't enough for me to verbalize...I want to physically demonstrate my heart and soul with my Man.  Before I go further, I should probably explain.  I can just imagine the thoughts these words conjure, so...
  • Yes...I do have plenty of non-sexual downtime.  
  • Yes...I am almost always a breath away from shifting to that sexual mental and physical space.  
  • No...I've never been a fucking whore/ho/skank/slut.  In fact after my divorce I somehow went essentially 6 years without sex.
  • 99.9999% of the population holds no sexual attraction to me despite my high sex drive.  Stars practically have to align for me to want to be with someone.  You could say I'm a very picky bitch.
  • I am often labeled as "insatiable" which can either be a benefit or an...exhaustion.  In fact, in previous relationships I've actually felt guilty a time or two for wanting to be sexual with my partner...for wanting too much.
  • M is the only Man that has the ability to sexually sate my hungers.  I can't explain how exactly he does it. I only know that afterwards...I curl up under Him and feel utter peace.
Now...back to the challenge.  When I feel dominated and submissive with M, it immediately triggers a sexual response.  While M and I may be long distance, our roles are still essentially 24/7 between us.  So there are times when His dominance puts me in the mood for things that are neither practical nor appropriate for what we have in front of us.  ~sigh~  At times, I have felt extremely self conscious of my high sex drive because I don't want to be a burden for M, especially when He's in the middle of something pulling Him in a completely different direction.  

However, internally my signals are crossed.  When I ask permissions (as I'm expected) I often mentally and physically associate the permission asking to sex.  What has finally made sense and gotten through my thick skull is that things like orgasm control aren't tied to sex for M nor are they pushing my sexuality on Him, those acts are first and foremost an opportunity for Him to control His pet.  

Between my high and quick responsiveness to M, things currently on our plates, and our slight geographic challenge, I have been tying myself up in knots about my sex drive.  I absolutely do NOT want Him to feel like I'm too much.  ~sigh~  I've been spinning this around in my head in so many ways trying to make things make sense, when all I needed to do was separate D/s from sex and focus on the comfort and security our roles provide us.  

Now that I see it, I don't know how I kept missing it for so long.  Augh.  So simple.

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