Every day a little more light shines down on where I'm at in my journey. My reactions to the new realizations vary from joy to a bit of fear, from blessed relief to a wave of awe. Today was no different. It was a very busy Sunday with company and people and laughter and stories. M and I touched bases briefly throughout the day, but our individual here and nows took precedence.
Typically after a day like today, I close the door and breathe in the blessed silence, happy to face solitude after overwhelming togetherness. Yet tonight was different. The first thought that wove around me was of walking into Daddy's arms and trailing little quiet kisses under His chin, down His neck and across His collarbone. I wanted to nuzzle up so close and smell Him so deep. I craved being wrapped contentedly in His warmth. Not in passion. Not in relief. Just...because.
Silly you might think. Maybe for you that's simply a careless habit. For me though...that's big. Real big. It's not the softness that is the surprise. I'm becoming more and more use to that new set of emotions. It was my instinctual, immediate urge to go to Him in a moment that over the last twenty years has always been to seek solitude. I can find no other way to sum this up except in techie language...my default settings have been reprogrammed. lol
My reaction isn't shock or surprise...but a gentle warm wash of wonder. Quickly followed by a lighthearted, "no one told me this would happen!" Where was the heads up for this in the D/s manual? There was plenty of review on spicy flogging and yummy bondage and the hot mindfuck, but no one prepared me for this kind of...transformation. It wasn't mentioned in the books, in the forums, in the community. M damn sure didn't mention this kind of change! lol Is this...normal???
My Dom, my Owner, my Master, my Daddy, my...M is also my Love. I don't simply seek Him just as my dominant for passion and kink or my protective safety net or my heart pounding, gut wrenching love. Don't get me wrong...those are all aspects of my relationship with M. However, there's now an element that has essentially crept quietly and deeply into me. I now move through my life with Him as my heart's intertwined companion.
In my usual Spock manner I'm tugging at the strings here. There are a hundreds reasons why I've slowly grown to find M so much a part of me, yet I never imagined this kind of relationship. It was something hinted at in movies and glimpsed upon in very rare relationships around me. It wasn't something I foolishly hoped for nor expected in the least. This wasn't a dream I would let myself crave nor believe a Man might hope to share with me. Hell...if I had been warned this might happen I may have ran or at least fought to keep it at bay.
Is this a sub/slave thing? Does this happen all the time? Are we the only one's reprogrammed? In a D/s framework when two people fit well together, do Doms with all their control and mastery also find their default setting adjusted? (No...I haven't yet spoken to M yet about this tangle of thoughts in my head. lol There hasn't been time yet for us to settle down and catch up, so I'm playing with the threads on my own, which yes...can be a dangerous thing. :-P ) Do Doms instinctually begin to reach for their subs out of a fundamental need to have their slave, sub, pet, babygirl close to them? Not in search of comfort but simply because their s is as necessary and natural to them as breathing?
Because if this is simply another one-way street of the s giving control to the D, I'm likely to be annoyed as hell. lol