Sunday, October 14, 2012

Temporary Emptiness

My previous post set off some warning bells with a few friends as well as with M.  Let me very clear here...NONE of those things have EVER happened nor been suggested, and M was VERY concerned after reading my post.  Often times, written words are my best form of communication.  Within them I find a clarity and expression that I can never articulate verbally as I'm thinking in the moment when I speak.  As I write...I turn inside and forget everything around me to pull at the tangle of threads cluttering my mind.  Yesterday was no different.  I explored in that moment where I was. wasn't pretty.  However, it wasn't the ugly dragging muck of depression either.  I was neutral.  I was detached and unengaged.  It wasn't that I was lost.  It was simply the emotional pieces of me were buried deep asleep and silent.

There were many factors that likely prompted my emptiness.

I'd just returned back to my quiet, calm sanctuary after a week of visiting with family and nearly grown children.  There were long hours in the car.  There was laughter and joy and annoyances and a nearly unrelenting sea of visiting.  Even though my children look me in the eye if not down at me and their lives are now essentially their own, I was able to put my hands on my kids' heads and run my fingers through their hair just as I did when they were toddlers.  That little joy is a rare and blessed treat now a days.  Being able to briefly and practically step into the role of mom for a moment is quite a break from my essentially solitary and peaceful life in the woods.  I look back on yesterday as a pain-free transition out of that role and back in the everyday worries and stress of real life.

Another contributing factor would be that M was neither here nor actively seeking any direct form of my submission from afar.  Not unusual at all.  We ebb and flow based on our needs and life's demands.  What was unusual for me was that with the emptiness that filled me, I couldn't connect in any way to my submission.  There was no defiance or rebellion.  I was simply disconnected.  I've played a little before when I found myself in this headspace, and it's quite frankly a curiosity that I'm interested in exploring.  My pain threshold rises quite high.  In the few self-imposed experiments I've attempted, pain simply doesn't register in the same way.  Instead of feeling those sweet dark sensations and devouring that energy like a hungry beast.  I'm nearly numb.  I'd very much like to play with M during one of these days to determine how I would handle His pain and if I can even find that beautiful masochist space He always takes me to.  Then again...I'm not even sure one of these...moods? would occur with M in direct proximity.  After His response to my writing yesterday, I know damn sure, He would do His best to get me out of that funk.  He did NOT like where I was, and for that I'm comforted.

Today, I'm a bit less detached as I'm getting my regular groove back.  I sincerely apologize if I gave anyone cause for concern.  That was not at all my intention.  I was merely ruthlessly digging into my psyche and exploring my temporary emptiness.  I was very surprised at the responses I received from my Fet acquaintances.  Too often the surface banter and careless mentality seems to be the most prevalent message across Fet.  While I know there is MUCH more depth to be found within the community, I've rarely received that type of kindness/communications since I still consider myself new and learning, and I tend stand by the sidelines in the larger scheme of the community.  To those that reached out...a very heartfelt thank you.  :-)  ~hugs~

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