I simply don't know how to breathe without Him.
It's as if the Warrior inside me has knocked Babygirl into a coma to keep the vulnerable child from feeling anything, and now the ever practical fighter is frantically performing CPR on the battered Woman, desperate to keep her from fading into the blessed oblivion she seeks. We thought we were ready for anything.
We were so wrong.
Even the Warrior failed to anticipate that maneuver. How surprising though that regardless of the mind shattering pain we all shared, the submissive Whore was the only one left with a voice. Amid the chaos and despite her suffering, the humble, masochistic doormat knew and accepted without hesitation the only truth there was left to hang on to - we were Owned.
It didn't matter if we hadn't yet earned the right to wear His name. It didn't matter if we went unclaimed. It didn't matter if we were never enough. No matter what, she knew that we are and would always simply be His, even if He never chose to pick up our leash. She simply knelt naked and bruised in the chilly filthy mud and apologized for our foolishness and our failure until He walked away in anger and disgust, leaving this silent vacuum that threatens to drown us all.
The shock of it all is almost too much. It was like a lightening strike on a cloudless sunny day. Time has no meaning. Food unnecessary. Sleep a mysterious commodity no longer within my weak grasp. I simply sit and tremble facing my ultimate fear as the numbing cold slips so confortingly around me.
Apparently that's what I've been doing all along.
If only I had understood that critical fact, none of this would have even happened.
The Woman wouldn't have tried to be brave. The Babygirl wouldn't be trapped in darkness. The Whore wouldn't be in a daze. The Warrior wouldn't be beaten and bloody.
Yet as the practical exhausted Warrior surveys the damage, she whispers the only thing left to say, "We did out best. At least now we know."
Silence is the only reply. We simply wait. For what, we don't know. However, we have neither the courage nor strength to do more.