More and more I'm growing increasingly aware of the various faces of my submission. Day after day my submission evolves, grows, and matures. That's not to says it's in any way perfect. No, some days my submission is a hot confused mess. Other days it's subtle and classy. And in those few lucky moments when the opportunity is seized, it's a hot greedy needy whore with her legs spread wide willing to do anything M asks of me. Fuck, it's complicated. Maybe just a list of the little strings I'm pulling in my head right now will make more sense...
Submission is observant, patient, and waiting. If M doesn't reach for me, my hand, or a kiss...I see, watch, and wait. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely feel the loss of that affection, and that loss does hurt, but it no longer slices me to ribbons and unleash a downpour of doubt and insecurity. I want that affection like a dog craves to be petted, but I do my best not to initiate. If I initiate and it's not returned it only hurts worse. Even if I do initiate and he returns my affection, I still feel like I've forced my Owner to recognize His pet. So I've learned to just wait as best I can for Him to remember I'm there FOR Him, to offer us the chance to enjoy one another in simple ways, to give His pet love and affection, to be inspired to bask in the small pleasures His pet can offer Him. It's hard sometime the waiting, but He leads and I follow.
My submission extents beyond Him to include His mom. I love that woman as I do Him. She is an extension of Him. I never in a million years expected those emotions. I've never had them for any man's family members, not even any of my in-laws associated with the man I was married to for more than ten years. Yet, as I held her hand and spoke to her about the last few months, tears fell, love bloomed bright and sweet, and the need to nurture and protect her rose up in me like a geyser. While my submission to Mom isn't obedience, it is very much of respect and honor. I've found myself including that strong, stubborn, adorable woman in my very limited tight circle of family.
My submission isn't a doormat. I'm a lion, not an insipid lamb or a passive doormat, and sometimes I roar. While I always knew that, I never really understood how it would translate in a relationship built on a foundation of love and respect. M isn't perfect, and sometimes he pisses me off. Over time I've had to explore different ways of expressing anger and emotion as M's submissive. I'm getting better at it...at least I think I am...but it's still a process that both M and I are trying to figure out. Fear no longer leads and insecurities no longer stick their vicious talons into me when anger surfaces.
It took probably a year and half for me to trust fully that M meant His promise that He's never letting me go, and that trust has allowed me to be more clear headed and strong when there is an issue between us. Instead of the helpless little girl, His woman locks horns with Him in respect and trust. Those two ingredients are key for me in any and every aspect of our D/s relationship.
Mutual respect and trust are non-negotiable. Even if we are angry and frustrated with each other I will NEVER put Him down or seek to hurt Him emotionally, and I trust myself enough now to know I will NEVER tolerate the Man M is putting down the woman I am. I didn't know I needed to...test that last one...but I did. As completely as I love M, I wondered early on if I was at risk of sliding into a relationship like my marriage had been. If I would sacrifice the self-respect the woman in me had gained back if M decided to change the course of our relationship. I've done stupid things for love before and for a whole lot less love. But now I trust myself and us in our occasional anger and frustrations. I trust that my submission won't lead the woman in me to bow down and give up her hard won self respect in an effort to please M.
~sigh~ lol I have to laugh, because I think of all of the things His pet, His sub, His whore, His property will do that most women would classify as a loss of self-respect, but in those moments, when we are in a deep place of D/s and S/m...in those actions of humiliation and pain I become everything and nothing all at the same time and find a peace that is unlike anything that I have felt.
My submission takes great pleasure in acts of service. I'm not simply His whore. To make Him a meal, rub Him down, pick up and clean...it is in my very DNA to serve Him domestically, which is another "Only M" phenomena. It is instinctive for me to search for ways to express my submission and to make His life, His day, His moment better in any way I can. It is my overwhelming desire to have him as relaxed and as content as He can be. There are moments where I almost vibrate with the need to do, but I'm learning to close my eyes to those tasks and those urges and not push myself into place where He doesn't yet desire my services. He leads. I follow.
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There are more faces that I have yet to write about, but the one element that threads it's way through it all is trust. I can't explain how trust grows and expands over time...I've never had the opportunity before to even understand that concept. But I feel it happening in me, and maybe in Him too. The trust that has been laid has cured, and new forms of trust are being poured by each of us to build a stronger, wider, and deeper foundation for all of the pieces of our relationship. Sure...it's a lot of work, even trying at times. But it's also beautiful and will help us build a long, long D/s relationship we both can count on.
~DominaKat
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