Lesson: I Don't Have to Trust Myself

I fucked up. Ruined it. Took the fun out of the heaviest Dominance I've felt in a long time. ~sigh~ I cried when I finally understood what I'd done. I wanted to hit undo, rewind, control+z, but it was too late.

I crave His Dominance, darkness, His firm hand like nothing else. When he puts me in my place and the leash is tight around my throat, I feel safe, secure, wanted, valued, cherished...loved. ~sigh~

I'd been a brat, and He responded swiftly and firmly.  Those submissive feelings rose to the surface like they always do for him, leaving me damp and trembling.  I fell asleep aching to be beat. The next morning, a complete different situation, He...oh god...He twisted me up in knots with His heavy hand.

His woman bowed to Him and became...jumpy.  (lol I can't quite explain that one.)
His dog whimpered and longed to beg on all fours.
His pet flushed in submission at His reprimands.
His hole wept for abuse and brutality.
His sub shook with need, shame, desire, humiliation.
His Alfred was completely off balance, shocked, and confused.
His fiery lioness crouched in sweet pride and appreciation for Her strong, vicious mate and wished they could tumble. She wanted to push back and defy and test the incredibly sexy and erotic darkness He wielded with such ease.
And his masochistic bitch...she...she craved such a depth of an unrestrained violence and rage and madness that even she was stunned.  Never before have I ever felt such a freedom and trust to desire the darkest most wicked of experiences.  My heart races just thinking of the thoughts I held in my mind two days ago.  I craved an utter destruction that would have lasted days, that would have stripped me down to my DNA, and left me has helpless and as fragile as a newborn kitten.

I walked away from that experience dizzy, off balance, and in a heavy fog.  I couldn't do anything but lay down for an hour and try to gather my wits.

But...I was also confused which was compounded later with another round of sweet darkness. Despite how much I enjoyed His Dominance, my obedient nature drove me to figure out what I where exactly I was making wrong turns and choking on His leash.  And yes...I mean drove. Like an unstoppable fucking tank.

I didn't want to frustrate or anger my Owner by repeating my error in topping from the bottom. I do my best to be a good obedient submissive and avoid mistakes. ~sigh~

When I first asked...M told me to trust him.  I do. Absolutely. And I almost...almost...started to get it then.  But still that tank still drove forward...I let it.  I wrecked in a big fiery mess.  All because I didn't trust myself.

What never occurred to me...not until M painted it out in big giant flashing letters for his stupid naive pet was that I DON'T have to trust myself.  ALL I have to do is trust Him.

Duh. "/

GINORMOUS epiphany: It's OKAY if I don't know what I'm doing...if I don't know how to move forward...if I'm unsure how to respond...if I don't know what's happening in me... M's got me.

~sigh~ I'm a little slow sometimes, and it's taken me a day and a half to recover emotionally and mentally from the anger at myself for ruining our fun.  But I think I've learned the lesson...I don't have to always walk steadily and gracefully on M's leash...sometimes the sweetest joy is when He makes me dance and stumble and dance some more on His leash and when I have to completely rely on the fact that His strong determined grip will NEVER let go of His pet.

Maybe...maybe someday He'll make me dance again on His leash. I promise Him and myself to just enjoy the dark beautiful struggle and chaos as He gives me the torment I so desperately crave.
~DominaKat