I don't know why I even bothered.
While my body may sometimes twitch for sexual release, nothing but M's hunger can satisfy me. Where I use to be able to squirt buckets for my own twisted imagination and touch, I can barely even summon the most rudimentary slick heat. ~sigh~
I'm ruined.
M ruined me.
It isn't just that I crave his hands, mouth, dick, Dominance, pain, use, etc., etc. I know if M demanded it, with the right tone, non-XXX touch, a few minutes to get me into the right headspace, he could make me cum in a restaurant full of diners within minutes without even touching any of my holes or causing me pain.
So then how exactly am I ruined? How deep does my ruination go?
Fucking bone deep. DNA deep. Soul deep.
I just realized the "key" to it all. I quite frankly struggle to take any selfish pleasure. If the source of my action (any action) is not to serve Him, to obey His direction, or to please Him in some way shape or form, it holds little appeal. In the case of my sexual energy...if it is not derived from His desire/need...I'm damn near numb. My heart, my mind, and my body are so intricately and irrevocably tied to Him it astounds me a bit sometimes. Me...the strong, independent, don't fuck with me warrior, the whore with the insatiable sex drive...is truly tamed to His hand. Every piece of me has knelt at His feet and waits for His lead and direction. I...even in the act of self-pleasure...have no control. If He does not crave, demand, or nurture my body's response, it will lie dormant in wait for Him. I could shove the best toy in the world up in me and the battery would die before I found any true satisfaction. Everything I do—everything I am—revolves around Him.
~sigh~
Yes. I. Am. Ruined.
~DominaKat
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