I can't lie. I've crashed today. There's a vacuum left with M's departure, a hole in my life. I haven't been able to focus on shit. I simply miss his presence. I'm a little lost. A little sad. A little cranky. No tears or drama. Just (as M would call it) angst. ~sigh~ Coming down isn't as bad this time as it has been. The hint of anger and frustration is tempered by the enormous amount of peace I felt over the last couple weeks with M. There was no rush. We simply were us. Hours of conversation. Long hours in each other's arms. Laughter and play. Working together with ease. Delicious dips into our darkness. Sweet, complete harmony.
And I miss the fuck out of it all.
Dammit. And the tears start to fall.
There are a hundred moments from the last two weeks that I'm replaying in my head. Little and big moments I'll never forget. Sharing Christmas at midnight. Our walk to the beach. The little trips to history. The kisses. Holding hands. Falling asleep and waking up in His arms. Sitting in the car and just talking at the park. Hours spent touching Him, massaging Him, loving Him. Sharing together in the excitement as everything we've been working toward went live and kicked off to build our future.
From sharing popcorn at the movies to sitting at His feet in submission. From doing His laundry to having the warm spicy taste of His dick in my mouth. From us both skeptically assessing the stew sitting in the new crockpot to starring into His eyes above me as He demanded from me a pleasure so deep, dark, and raw I was turned inside out.
Fuck...how did He know? How did He know how much I needed to see His face and look into His beautiful warm eyes as we shared passion? I never once said that, but there He was above me..."Look at me." I clung to Him in sheer desperation as He dragged me through our beautiful madness.
God, I need Him.
~sigh~ Yes...I'm strong, intelligent, capable, and handle my business. I'm a grown ass woman who can function very well without a man in my life. I kick ass at business meetings, I can do maintenance around the house, with a little bit of effort I can be stunning, and I can defend and stand up for myself. I've survived ugliness and pain to come out stronger time and time again.
But I fucking need that Man.
I never knew a relationship could be this...joyous. When I am with Him I am finally fucking home. When I'm not...the world seems dull, grey, and empty. I've wandered my house searching for direction, but He's my direction. We blend so easily together.
~sigh~ If He knew of my tears, He'd tell me to stop and calm down. He'd soothe me. But that's gotten me nowhere today. Maybe I just need to purge these emotions. The ache has only grown worse with every passing hour. I've tried everything I can think of to fill the hole in my life today, and nothing has filled it even a fraction. I know logically I'll get past this point in a few days, but right now I'm just overwhelmed and hate every inch that separates us.
I KNOW that every step we are taking helps to move us toward a time when we'll be together, but fuck...I'm impatient. I want to be in NYC now. I want to start the rest of our life together. I want to look at the Man who holds my heart in my hand as we're rushing around in the morning to start our day. I want to hear Him come in the door as I finish getting our dinner together. I want to walk though the neighborhood, take care of Him when He's sick, fold his socks, help build His dreams, be His soft spot when things are rough and be the one by His side when He succeeds.
This trip was beautiful because it was so very...normal. It reflected all of the things we long for. It wasn't a vacation filled with excitement and excess. We simply lived, breathed, and were together and it was so fucking sweet and warm. It's addicting. lol Who would have thought that I'd be here. ~sigh~ My god, the difference M has made in me and my life is sometimes astounding.
All I know is...
I just want to be home with M where I belong.
~DominaKat
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