For a very long time and for numerous reasons, I was afraid to love. I know I love hard and deep. The few times I had even let myself go near that emotion, I had been burned badly. To be so vulnerable that someone could hurt me deeply and leave another scar on my battered soul was not something I was willing to risk. I deliberately allowed very, very few people close to me and chose to keep people and the very few sexual partners I engaged with at a distance. My last relationship from the beginning had always had boundaries. That's how I chose to structure things. In fact he was never welcome at my home even though we were involved for two years. We met on neutral territory only. That mental and emotional distance kept me safer.
When that relationship ended, and I began to get REAL honest with myself as part of my journey with BDSM, I finally admitted to myself that I was at a point where the pain and emptiness of that life was greater than my fear of true intimacy. In my soul I longed to be owned fully. Truly. Completely. To one I could proudly submit myself to. Because of that bone-deep ache and longing to belong, I finally found the courage to look for and expect something real and meaningful.
I was so very blessed to find M. But even after M and I began to unravel the puzzle of one another and build our D/s dynamic, I had to be very intentional in opening myself up to Him completely. Emotionally He would leave me shaking even before we ever met. He scared the shit out of me!!!! lol I could see and feel our potential - everything we could be - but the fear of vulnerability still stalked me. At times I had to fight the sheer instinct to close myself up tight and not withdraw. I had to be brave enough to reach for the beautiful possibilities with Him and not cling to my fear.
Our growing D/s dynamic helped me so very much. First was the depth of communication that enabled us to slowly build a strong foundation of mutual trust, respect, patience (His patience more than mine) and the abundance of love and caring. On one level I fought my fear with the logic of all of those building blocks. I could see and feel the evidence of all of those things from Him and between us. On another level I simply lead with my soul and the faith in what we could be and what I felt with Him. I can't really explain it. But I needed the strength of His Dominance to feel safe enough to submit and let myself love. I need His absolute need/desire to Own me to feel like I belonged and that it was safe enough to allow myself to be vulnerable. When the emotional and mental D/s leash is tight...I'm comforted and feel secure to be at my most vulnerable and submissive. To open up and let Him have every bit of me.
All my life, I knew I needed someone to demand just the right way that I open up my heart and soul. I couldn't explain and honestly, I never wanted to explain. If they didn't have what it took - if it wasn't instinctual - there was no possibility they would ever be able to reach deep inside me and to tame my soul. With M, He knew what I needed and found in me what He longed to possess. Now I am His loyal, cherished pet. Together we found magic, and I found the strength and courage to love that wonderful Man like He deserves. I can't lie though. Occasionally, there are still whispers of that fear of vulnerability, but with M's help I continue to destroy those last remnants.
Building a good, healthy D/s relationship with M has forced my fears and insecurities closer to the surface for us to resolve. It has required a raw truth with one another and myself in order to maximize the D/s potential between us. It's not simply about the kinky sexual darkness we practice. The mental and emotional aspects of our D/s very much go soul deep and expose all - good and bad - to each other, but that depth of intimacy is truly, truly exquisite. :-)
~DominaKat
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