Lately, I've worked toward being stronger in my submission. What M needs most right now is His strong woman at His back to fight for Him, work for Him, and be His port in stormy seas. And what I need right now to be my best is a strong firm place to begin.
My love. my submission. my practical me - all must begin with strength and courage, intent and focus. Yet, somehow along the way, babygirl began to be my beginning. Yes, she loves absolutely and with a sweet purity that knows no pride. She is soft and sweet and devoted. But her vulnerabilities and softness did not lend themselves to a steady, harmonious dance of Dominance and submission, which only made turbulent water we came upon so much worse for us both.
Yet...Though I've tried for the last week, I can't bury that little girl as I did so long ago as a child. M nurtured her to existence and set her free. Now, it's nearly impossible for me to stuff her in a closet and forget she's there. She won't let me. Even when I try.
In the dead of night, she snuck out and made her presence known. No drama. No chaos. Just simply, looked me straight in the eye and said, "I just need to curl up with my Daddy." I hesitated to reach out to Him. I was torn, but gave in to the need. I didn't want to see her - to acknowledge her need or her weakness. I wanted to be strong and sure of myself again, not trapped by the softest pieces of me. Yet, I was starting to wonder if by denying babygirl I was somehow pushing an emotional distance between M and I that had never been there. Last night, once I acknowledge her presence, I felt steadier. That side of my submission was filled in again with the pure love, devotion, and sweetness I'd been avoiding the last few days out of fear of the vulnerability they might bring.
However, I still fought for control most of the day. Between the rough night and my own momentary personal struggle for the day, I couldn't keep babygirl quietly tucked away. She didn't get out of control, but she kept me breathless. The need for the safety and security of my Daddy's love clawed at me. ~sigh~ I didn't hide that I was struggling from M. Though part of me longed to in order to shield Him. To show Him I could keep up my strength. To not fail Him in any way. Yet the harder I fought harder to push babygirl away, the more tension I felt and couldn't quench.
When Daddy wrapped His love around me, I cried in relief. He fought for me in that moment, charging in like a knight in shining armor to set things right. He kissed away my tears. He gave my babygirl a safe, perfect, warm place to curl into. Then he took my hand and led me where I needed to go. He made me laugh. He gave me instructions. I followed and finally found the peace and balance again that I so need and crave.
I'm not sure He understood just how much I appreciated His strong presence today. For more than a year now, we have become more and more intertwined in each other's hearts and minds. When we are in synch there is an astounding peace and rightness that I've never experience anything even close to even in the best of times with others. A sweet harmony.
It isn't always easy for us. Some days are hard. But we get through. Every day, we choose one another and work on our difficulties or enjoy our victories. Today, despite my struggle and challenges, I count it a victory. Because with M's steady Dominance, I was able to gracefully surrender and find my strength again, so I could be stronger for Him, me, and Us.
Thank you Daddy. For all that you do.
~DominaKat
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