My submission is not a game. It was never an idle toy I endeavored to play with. D/s was not a singular puzzle piece of myself I tried to align with various partners, asking do I fit with you? Do I fit with you? Do you fit in here? I was not a fat bubbling bee that buzzed and flit to and fro seeking to steal nectar from whomever.
No. No. No.
My submission isn't a thread I simply wanted tugged on or one of a hundred puzzle pieces to fit or a game to play or a vague mystic quest of aimless wandering.
My submission was and is and always has been the most private and intimate life blood of my soul.
It is the root of my existence - the breath of my life.
For most of my life, I starved. My withered soul nearly dead. The heart beat so faint that I wondered if what I thought existed was only just a mirage in me.
Then I found M.
Slowly He held the crucible to my lips for me to sip. One small drink at a time until I finally began to feel life in my truth for the first time. Until I finally realized my destiny...who I was always meant to be.
A year ago...the love, honor, and trust I felt for that Man brought me helplessly and irrevocably to my knees to offer myself and my absolute submission unquestionably at His feet. My physical, mental and emotional submission was and is born of my deep love for M.
No matter when or where or what surrounds us...with a word, a touch, a glance, my submission is His. It a heartbeat, He can call on that vital well in me so long hidden and stir my inner most pool or inspire it to rage. The place that no one has ever reached. That secret holy sanctuary I allowed no one to witness or touch. Is His.
Not because of a game or a thrill or a diversion or an aimless trek. I am His because I fell in love with Him, and He actively pursued the very best of me through love, honor, and respect.
I say all this to remember. I look back on a year of sweet highs and yes even some rough lows to see how and why I am here in this place today with M. I take stock of what has been and what is now, and I ponder where we will go from here and what a year from today might look like.
As dawn breaks and the birds chirp, I look at that beautiful Man asleep in my bed, and my heart still melts. I want to dive back into His heat and cling to His embrace. He makes me laugh and giggle. He inspires a raw, pure hope that renders me speechless. He can dissolve me to tears or push me to endless passion.
For Him I have and would beg.
He has a control over me I've never given a soul. Not even myself.
My submission a year ago was strong and peaceful.
My submission now remains helplessly at His feet in surrender.
It always will.